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June 27, 2015

Interview With Dr. Barbara Sherry Rose

1. Dr. Barbara, you have written a number of books, can you talk about why you wrote “Signs of Men Who Cannot Fully Love: Why and How to Understand It” and who stands to gain from this book?

I wrote this book as part of the Pocket Coach Series™ that provides quick immediate answers for women who are would like to have a genuine relationship with a man but are repeatedly pushed away for no apparent reason.

Women who are in a roller coaster relationship with repeated break-ups, and/or experience sudden distance will find true insight as to why this happens and most importantly what they need to know to either continue in the relationship or move on after repeatedly being hurt.

2. A number of our women subscribers and readers are interested in the topic of men and commitment. We get emails on all types of men ranging from players to the man who disappears after the first date to the man who is more interested in the chase than the catch to the boyfriend who blows hot and cold and never proposes. Do you advise women to look out for any specific signs that can help them better understand men especially those who may have a problem committing for the long haul?

Here are a few of the biggest signs I share about men who may not be capable of developing a long term healthy relationship and what you can do if a precious relationship is something you would love to have.

The first sign is any abuse, such as put downs or degrading comments. This needs to be the last time you have any contact with this person. Abusers tend to reel you in, lash out, apologize, and then reel you back in for more abuse. Having a zero tolerance policy for abuse will make it crystal clear for you so you are not put through the ringer with a man who is not emotionally or psychologically capable of an authentic, loving, healthy long term relationship.

When his words and actions do not match such as saying he will call or visit at a certain time but does not follow through. This lets you know right from the start that he cannot be counted on. If you continue with this person you can only expect more of the same unreliability.

You will know exactly where you stand based on what his actions are showing you. If he disappears after the first date simply move on as if you had a first date but did not want a second one.

If a man is a player he typically does not court a woman seriously. He does not show he really wants to be there for her. Additionally, he typically does not make or keep plans to be together on a consistent basis. He might just be interested in a fling and nothing more. If weeks go by and there is no sign of him, then that’s your queue to move on completely.

A man who does not want a long term monogamous relationship typically expresses that he is not looking for one. Bye!

If you have been dating for a long time he may express that he just wants to keep things as they are. If you hear him say that, what he is actually saying is that this relationship is not going to go any further. However, you need to take his age into consideration. A twenty five year old man may genuinely not be ready to propose. However, if he is serious about you, you will know without any uncertainty because he will be your best friend, lover, and show you in his actions that he is truly there for you and is serious about you. He will treat you like platinum.

His actions will show you everything. You will know exactly where you stand with him by how often he sees you, calls you, gives you flowers, is truly there for you, and treats you like a queen. If you experience anything less than that, then most likely this will not change.

Once you know exactly how you deserve to be treated, based on self love, you will never settle for anything less. The type of man you attract is actually a mirror of how you unconsciously feel about yourself.

Men who have commitment issues have typically experienced abuse during childhood. They are afraid of being controlled and hurt. If you are attracting players, unreliable men, and men with commitment issues, this is actually the best time to evaluate how much you value yourself. If you experienced abuse while growing up, notice if you feel less than, incomplete or not good enough. Do you have any fears about being hurt in a relationship? If you do, then this will be the type of man you attract who will mirror exactly the same fears.

The relationship may be a push-pull experience. Due to his unconscious fears he will distance himself from you when too close means too close for his comfort zone. He has not grown enough in the area of self love and self validation to be able to fully love or commit to you due to his fears which you cannot fix! His deep rooted fears are often displayed by going on a conquest from one woman to the next. When this happens he is actually trying to validate himself based on how many women he can be with.

Has he ever had a long term monogamous relationship? If the answer is no, then he may not be capable of having one until his unconscious fears of being hurt or controlled are brought to the surface and transformed.

Alternatively, once you uproot and transform any negative views you may have of self and any fears you may have of being hurt, you will grow in real self love. It is then that you will have the highest standards that will naturally attract a man who will consistently treats you in the most precious manner on all levels.

3. We have heard from women that sometimes even men who are not commitment phobic tend to pull away or withdraw just when things seem to be going great. Would giving him time and space help? Are there any things that you would recommend women not to do?

This has happened to me so I’ll share from personal experience. Absolutely, yes, giving him time and space, not as a “tactic” but because a woman needs to be totally involved in her own life. This will help tremendously.

Here are some suggestions on what a woman should NOT do.

• Do not revolve your life around the man. Revolve it around your own life purpose.

• Do not call him just to “see how things are”. If he needs time and space, get super absorbed in why you are in this life and when he calls or texts, emails or visits then put your focus on him.

• Do not hinge your every breath on when the phone will ring. Waiting by the phone, or pining away for him. This neediness is lethal to relationships. Would you want him to wait by the phone or pine away from you? (No.) Isn’t that a turn off? (Yes!)

• Never ask, “Where do we stand?” You stand as two equal human beings who are relating to each other. He cannot be your oxygen tube, ever.

• Do not buy him presents, or offer to take him away on a trip as a tactic to try to draw him closer. In the long haul it will not work. He needs to do this for you.

• Do not waste your precious time fantasizing about when he will pop the question. Get super focused on your own life. I cannot stress this enough.

4. You mentioned something very interesting, “If you have been dating for a long time he may express that he just wants to keep things as they are. If you hear him say that, what he is actually saying is that this relationship is not going to go any further.” This is a popular problem our women subscribers face. The transition to the next level seems to be a problem- sometimes it’s from casual dating to serious dating, sometimes it’s from serious dating to becoming a boyfriend and sometimes it’s from being a boyfriend to a fiancé and getting married. Women are especially most hurt when they are in a long term relationship and are waiting for their boyfriend to propose whereas he likes the status quo of the relationship. What can women do to prevent themselves from being stuck in a state of relationship limbo?

Read a book. Write a book! Start a cause or join one that you are sincerely drawn to. If you are a single mom, place as much attention on your children as possible. Give them and yourself all of your time, focus and attention.

You see, when you are super absorbed in your own thriving life, he is going to pick up on this. Another thing is to ask yourself why you must have a commitment from him for the rest of your life? Many, in fact millions of couples who have gotten engaged and or married have not lasted forever. They wind up in divorce court, in addition to losing half their assets due to the legal contract of marriage.

Another factor is your stage in life. If you are in your twenties or thirties, and really want to get married and start a family, being his best friend, and making sure he is your best friend, without any abuse whatsoever is crucial.

I see countless couples get divorced when their first child goes off to college. Sometimes couples stay together for the children until they grow up.

I have seen women who have vastly different parenting styles from the man in their life, such as positive parenting and abusive parenting. I have had men write letters to me explaining their situation (being dumped by the woman) and when they shared why, I let them know that if it were me there would be no way I would continue in the relationship.

So there are a lot of factors than just getting a ring or getting married. Cultural, religious, spiritual backgrounds and views are another issue that many couples overlook until they are married and find their partner is trying to completely change them.

You cannot change another person, ever. Additionally, you cannot fix another person. So don’t try to play therapist in the relationship.

The greatest thing you can do is ask yourself one question. Is this the way I want my relationship to be? If the answer is yes, then by all means continue. If the answer is no, then move on so you can attract the kind of relationship and person who has the growth that matches yours. Nobody likes to feel as if their significant other is trying to overhaul them, or morph them into an entirely different person.

One last thing that is of paramount importance is that you make it crystal clear right from the start that you have a zero tolerance for abuse. The very first abusive word or comment will be the last time they ever see or speak to you again. The most important thing is that you must really mean it.

5. Why do you recommend women not to ask Where do we stand? We get emails from women who tell us that they are not sure if the man they are casually dating is dating other women and would like to have the conversation on exclusivity and at a later point where the relationship is heading towards. Questions like why is his status still single on Facebook or now that we have been seeing each other for some time, am I his girlfriend or why hasn’t he introduced me to his friends or family etc. seem to indicate a lack of certainty with regards to where they both stand in the relationship. When would you recommend women to bring up marriage?

A man’s actions will tell a woman exactly where they stand. His Facebook status may have not even crossed his mind. A woman can certainly ask if he is dating any other women, this is fine. If he is dating anyone else then she needs to back off and become super absorbed in her own life. Maybe there is a better guy out there for her. Maybe the man will get completely turned off if the woman is needy, clingy, over emotional, or seems desperate. This is a total turn off.

When a man is serious about a woman he will say it, show it, and may even ask to live together. I recommend that a woman never brings up marriage. That is a huge step. If the man wants to marry her, he will bring it up, and he will certainly ask. Even more importantly, does the woman feel that this man, exactly the way he is now, is ideally the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with? This needs to be her choice, based on careful observation of how he treats her, and all human beings for that matter. Does he meet her standards on every level? She cannot “need” him, they have to naturally connect with each other and share the same views, morals, ethics, and ideals as far as how similar they are with respect to living life.

6. Recently we had a reader write to us that her boyfriend is having second thoughts about marriage because his parents are divorcing after being together for 30+ years. It seems they told him that they stayed together for his sake and that they were never truly happy with each other for a long time. This incident shook his belief in marriage and now we have someone who has never had commitment issues becoming skeptical and scared of marriage. Other examples include men who have been divorced or who have been burned in past relationships developing cold feet towards long term commitment. Sometimes women wait with the hope that their men would change or they believe that they can change their men or feel that if only they can love their men enough he would change. Does this waiting game with the hope that things would change work?

A woman cannot change a man, period. She has to know that the way he is, is the way he is going to remain. Trying to fix or change him is completely futile. Take it from me I tried that for years with a man I really loved. He never changed, and the after much reflection, how could I or any other woman truly change someone? Can a man change how a woman is? No. The waiting game hoping for him to “turn around” or “change” is a complete waste of time. A woman needs to ask herself if the man she is with right now is all she is looking for in a man. If the answer is no, then she needs to move on completely or else she will just be a String Along.

7. Another common problem our women subscribers face is the pressure to get married. This can range from a ticking biological clock to all their friends getting married to pressure from family and friends etc. Needless to say they find dating incredibly stressful because they tend to treat every date as a potential husband instead of relaxing and enjoying the present moment. In a way, they are looking for the quickest way to filter him out because they don’t want to waste their time and in the process tend to grill him instead of being open and curious. How can women be more relaxed and enjoy dating without being too stressed about their ticking biological clock or the marriage timeline?

When women feel an urgent pressure to get married due to a biological clock, they need to ask themselves if they ever considered that even if they did get married that the marriage could end within a year. I’ve seen this happen. Women need to stop trying to cast a net for a potential husband and instead ask themselves if the man they meet meets their standards on every level. They really need to get to know a man over a long period of time at least two years before they get married. This is what engagement is for. The best thing a woman can do is to first feel if there is a deep natural connection on every level.

The next thing is the dating or courtship period. This is the time to build a solid foundation of the best friendship they can have. This means being open and honest on every level. Asking any question about the man that they may be curious about – not about where he stands with her – but about what he likes. Does he like to travel? What is his favorite music? Really get to know this guy! If marriage is naturally meant to be, it will be.

8. We hear from highly successful professional women that they have problems attracting the right kind of men. These women are usually go-getters, very ambitious and highly successful in their careers. Because they are so dominating and competitive, they tend to attract the beta males. Do you have any advice on how women can shift from their masculine energy in the corporate world to feminine energy in the dating world so that they are successful in both their careers and relationships?

I must answer this question based on sharing my own personal experience. I am not one personality with career, and another personality with a man. No matter whom I am with or who I am speaking to, I am the same person. When I used to be a go-getter career wise, I was really insecure deep down inside. I had to transform low self esteem so I would no longer view any achievement as a form of self validation. Validation cannot ever come from the outside in. When we feel whole and complete on the inside and we actually like ourselves, we are going to naturally relax, speak our truth at all times and view ourselves as equal to the man. Two equal human beings.

When women make the internal shift from hidden low self esteem to authentic supreme confidence, she is going to attract a man who mirrors those qualities. The man will not have to validate himself based on how many women he can add to his list of conquests. He will view a woman as his equal, and this is the greatest way to start the pure foundation of a real friendship. After time if it blooms into a romance, great. But if it does not for any reason, the woman must always maintain her fun, playful side with laughter, really experiencing great times with the man she is with. This will naturally develop into a deeper relationship that is based on complete trust and authenticity.

9. Another common problem our women subscribers face is when their partners tend to shut down or become silent. This is quite frustrating for many women because they are trying to figure out what is bothering their partners and the silence they get as a feedback is often confusing because they are not quite sure what they are suppose to do. It is a popular belief that men are not very good at expressing their feelings and they don’t always want to talk about their problems because it makes them feel less “manly.” Are there certain things that women can do to make it easier for men to open up and talk honestly about without any guilt, shame or fear?

Right off the bat it is essential for a woman to let the man know that if there is anything bothering him, or anything he is upset about, that he needs to let her know immediately so it can be cleared up. Let him know he never has to hide anything, no matter what it is. When a woman loves a man she wants to show and tell him that she is there for him, regardless of anything he may feel ashamed or embarrassed about. This builds a pure bond of loving trust and vital open communication that will sustain the relationship and the open, honest foundation upon which the relationship can flourish.

10. Do you have any books or resources that you would recommend to our women subscribers that can help them attract better quality men and have better relationships?

There are three books that I recommend that each give real, solid guidance in the areas of self esteem and relationships. Individual Power, Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence, and Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE. There is a ton of free content on my website, and the books can be downloaded from www.borntoinspire.com or Amazon, Barnes & Noble or any book seller globally.

About Dr. Barbara Sherry Rose

Barbara Williams

Barbara Sherry Rose, PhD is the bestselling author of twenty seven books, a world renowned Higher Consciousness Life Transformation Specialist and spiritual teacher. Her personal growth and transformation shared with millions of people from every part of the world has endeared her to the masses as a pure, loving and caring soul who shares by living example. Her ability to take the most difficult personal topics and bring through the solutions for herself and all has made her one of today’s most loved and respected spiritual teachers.

Dr. Rose is the founder of International Institute of Higher Self Communication merged with Global Higher Consciousness Life Transformation Institute. She shares with all of humanity the nondenominational process of receiving answers from God, as you personally understand that name to be. Her subscribers span 191 countries and her highly sought after work is continuously published and shared across the globe. You can view more of her work at her official website BornToInspire.com.




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