20 Signs That He’s Not Ready To Commit - How To Win a Man's Heart

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March 7, 2016

20 Signs That He’s Not Ready To Commit

Commitment—the C-word. Did I just hear the dun-dun of Law and Order go off in the background? It’s enough to scare the hair right off his chest!

That is, if he’s a commitment phobe. Or, he’s just not there yet. Commitment is a serious matter, and a joyful one. He who is not both joyfully and seriously committing is not ready to commit. But often even the people who won’t commit are not aware that they are not going to commit, so how can you know it?

Well, there’s some tell-tale signs to watch for:

1. He has a hard time admitting that he loves you.

This is not a sign that he’s a poor communicator. And if it is, it’s another reason why you should reconsider a commitment with him. But more often than not, it’s because he’s afraid that if he says the L-word, you’ll expect a commitment.

2. He tells you that he’s really afraid of marrying or committing to you.

We tend to want to dismiss this revelation as “cold feet.” Best not.

3. He hides information from you.

If he doesn’t want you to know about his parents, and/or friends and doesn’t introduce you to them at some point—yeah. Big red flag.

If he doesn’t want you to know “his business,” there’s another. Commitment is all about intimacy, and intimacy is all about the willingness to know and be known.

4. If, when you attend a social function, he leaves you behind and/or even forgets that you are there, he’s not really there when it comes to commitment.

5. If you have to guess what’s really going on in his mind—he’s not really committed to the intimacy that is essential to a committed relationship.

6. If he’s addicted to any substance, or activity such as gambling or sex, he’s not committed to you—he’s committed that substance or activity.

7. If he finds loads of time for everything but you, no, he’s not really that interested.

8. If he doesn’t really like you leaving your stuff at his place, he’s telling you that he’s really not ready for you or your stuff.

9. If he fairly consistently talks to friends about taking trips and joining for parties and forgets to consider you, or remembers you at the last minute—he’s forgotten you are in his life. That’s not a good sign for long-term commitment.

10. If he disrespects you in front of his friends, he may be attempting to show them that he’s really not going to commit to you. He must think they need that reassurance.

11. If he doesn’t really want to meet your parents or friends, he’s showing you that he doesn’t really want to know any more about you.

12. If he is critical of the little things, he’s telling you that he’s not going to be happy with you being you.

13. If he has a history of short-term, non-committal relationships and meets several of the other signs already listed, then he’s not ready—may never be ready for commitment.

Of course, it’s possible that those short-term, no-committals were with people he just didn’t love, but not if he’s also doing some of these other things.

14. If he’s good in bed but bad in the head—he might just be using you for sex.

He’s a good performer, but not really a good lover, if he can’t really demonstrate relationship skills such as kindness, consideration and respect, because he’s paranoid or distrusting of others.

15. If he threatens to leave every time you have a disagreement—he could be telling you that leaving is more than just a threat.

16. If he leaves town without telling you where he’s going or when he’ll be back, he could be demonstrating his distaste for feeling “obligated” to someone.

17. If he “forgets” to call you frequently—same thing.

18. If he is more loyal to his friends than to you, demonstrates more trust in their opinions, more faith in their company, more loyalty to their needs, desires and agendas—he’s not ready to commit to you.

19. If he’s really good at romance, flowers and candles, but not so good at real relating when it comes to working out disagreements or making decisions together, he might be showing you that he likes the feel of the performance, but is not at all into the real thing.

20. If he brings up dating other people frequently, or is actually dating someone else—he’s not ready to commit.

So, why do we need to see 20 signs that he’s not ready? Because we go into denial when we fall in love. We want them to be who we want them to be.

And so we put that fantasy partner into the empty place where he’d be standing if he were only willing to commit. And we tell ourselves that the fantasy we see in his place is the real deal.

Next question: Are you sure you are ready to commit?

About the author

Andrea Mathews

Andrea Mathews is the author of two published books, with another coming out in late 2012, as well as several magazine articles and a blog on Psychology Today Magazine entitled Traversing the Inner Terrain.

She is a Psychotherapist, practicing both Transpersonal and Cognitive Therapy, for individuals, families and couples—living together, married or alternative.

She is also a Corporate Trainer, teaching soft skills to large and small corporations, and a Motivational and Inspirational speaker (www.InnerWings.com).