8 Reasons Why Men Are Afraid Of Commitment - How To Win a Man's Heart

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August 6, 2017

8 Reasons Why Men Are Afraid Of Commitment

You’ve been dating your guy for a long time but he won’t commit. Taking your relationship to the next level is what you want, but he’s content right where it is.

What can you do? There is a reasonable chance he’s let you know already, just not directly.

If you can’t look back and figure out what’s stopping him, try asking directly. If that doesn’t get you a straight answer, consider the following obstacles that could be holding him back.

1. Your man’s environment

Let’s face facts. 21st century America is a tough time for the unsung virtues of commitment and loyalty. Every day we see men and women abandon their spouses, partners, children, friends, fans, employees and responsibilities for other “opportunities”.

And the consequences to these individuals are very often minimal. However, the toll on the abandoned and society as a whole is devastating, as evidenced by the lack of trust so many of us have for each other.

What to do?

Is commitment a virtue that is held high in your man’s environment? Are his parents divorced? Are his friends and colleagues loyal?

This is a serious challenge, but steering him into more commitment supportive environments may be necessary.

More time socializing with happily committed couples in places that express and value the benefits of commitment (couples oriented social gatherings, committed friends & faith based organizations) while avoiding “hook-up” places may change his perspective.

2. Success and legacy

Men are success and legacy oriented. They want to succeed and leave a mark on the world. The success they see celebrated most today are the big innovations and accomplishments in the area of work.

As a result, relationships and family are very often underappreciated.

What to do?

Support him in making his mark. Give him space to pursue it and rejoice in his success.

Every man loves a cheerleader at his side and will want to keep her there. At the same time, you can help him grow to appreciate relationships and the potential legacies they create.

3. Newness and variety

Men are drawn toward newness and variety. Whether it is gadgets, jobs, cars or women, they feel more alive when things are new and changing.

Making a commitment to one woman is giving up the newness and variety of other women, but it doesn’t have to mean giving up on newness and variety.

What to do?

Keep variety in your relationship by trying new things in life, fashion, activities, routines and the bedroom. Help him to continually discover the new in you and he will eagerly anticipate joining you for the adventures of commitment.

4. He doesn’t feel financially prepared

Yes, there are still men who believe it is their responsibility to provide for their families. You might be fortunate enough to have found one of those.

However, his attention is directed at building that economic base. He knows that the demands of a serious relationship will distract him from his financial goal.

What to do?

If you believe he has a realistic chance of reaching his goals in a timeframe you can live with, then show him that you can help rather than hinder him.

Cheerfully support him in his work and don’t pressure him to pay more attention to you. If he likes this treatment, he may commit. Of course you are setting up a relationship pattern that may be hard to break.

So find out if he eventually wants to devote time to his relationships or if work will always be his first love. If his answer is satisfactory, go for it.

5. He doesn’t see the benefit of commitment

Somewhere in the back –or front– of his mind he is asking himself, “What is the upside of making a commitment? And what do I lose if I don’t?”

What to do?

Make it clear to him the upside of committing to you. If you’re already having sex, living together, sharing expenses, cooking and doing his laundry, your only option may be to set a date on which you will end the relationship if there is no commitment.

Rather than issuing a threatening ultimatum, which is manipulation that will be resented in the long run, I suggest negotiating a reevaluation period (3 – 6 months) in which you separate your lives (living and financial arrangements), stop having sex and return to non-exclusive dating.

During this time he can get a better appreciation of what committing to you brings to his life. You are putting the relationship at risk, but if you get a commitment it will be a stronger one.

Use this time to help him understand the less tangible benefits of commitment such as better health, contentment, personal growth and family stability. If he refuses or the time period expires with no commitment, you know where you stand.

6. He is waiting for someone better

It may just be that you’re not the right one for him. Can you honestly say you are worth forsaking all others? Are you doing your best to meet his needs and make his life more pleasant?

Or are you just trying to get him to satisfy your dreams? Are you controlling, moody, complaining or never satisfied? What to do? Find out which of his requirements you are not meeting or what his complaints are.

If you don’t think you can get answers from him directly, try those who know him, are like him and/or know you. This can be a painful and surprising exercise, but you need to know so encourage honesty.

Then, if you are able and willing, do your best to fulfill his heart’s desires and become the partner he wants. Just don’t pretend. That’s a bait-and-switch that will end in disaster.

7. He is afraid it won’t work out

His parents are divorced, he sees all the bad break-ups around him or he’s been hurt before. Whatever the reason, he thinks that monogamous commitments are doomed.

What to do?

Dig a little deeper to discover why he thinks it can’t work. Maybe he thinks that people aren’t trustworthy, loyal or something else.

Help him understand that people can be relied on, point out the old couples who are still together, show him how the two of you have worked through tough times, give him hope that you are seriously committed and willing to adapt.

You will have to demonstrate your resolve by keeping your word. Every broken promise-even a little one- is confirmation that you are just like everybody else.

Every kept promise shows you are different, can be trusted and a woman to hang onto.

8. He needs power

Men need to feel a sense of power. Not necessarily power over others, but power over their options. Men don’t love money because they like green pieces of paper.

They like the options that having money makes available. With every decision they are doing a cost-benefit analysis. “Are the benefits of making this choice worth the loss of options associated?”

Making a commitment means giving up options and the power to make other choices. He needs to derive enough perceived benefit to make that sacrifice.

What to do?

Help him understand a partnership with you opens other options and the power to reach his goals.

Of course, all of these suggestions assume that your guy is a man worth having rather than a boy who doesn’t want to grow up. Too many women fail to distinguish between the two. But that’s for another time.

About the author

Joe Pollon

Joe Pollon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples and marriage counseling. He offers counseling and relationship coaching in Arroyo Grande, California and via the web at www.slomarriagecounseling.com.




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