Are You Ready To Date?- Dr. Duana Welch - How To Win a Man's Heart

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Are You Ready To Date?- Dr. Duana Welch

Interview Summary

Below is the summary of the interview with Dr. Duana Welch on how women can find out if they are ready for dating.

Some women, especially those who are coming out of painful breakups and messy divorces, may have trust issues, self-esteem issues, self-doubt, anger, and confusion that make it hard to know if they are ready to go back dating Dr. Duana Welch, who has been formerly divorced and happily re-married, understands what it’s like to be emotionally scarred and fearful, and can relate to these feelings. For more than a year she couldn’t visit the greeting and romance card section of stores without an anxiety attack. Now she has graciously decided to offer her advice on the common barriers to dating women face and how to overcome them.

Common Barriers to Dating

It starts with a question: How much more of your time are you going to give your ex?

You’ve given them however many months or years you were in a relationship already, only for things to come to an end. Are you going to give them your future as well? The answer will determine what happens next, but if the answer is ‘No’ then take the following facts to heart:

a. Do not wait to feel like going out with someone. Studies in social psychology reveal that most people think that their attitude determines what they do (“if I don’t feel like dating then I won’t”). That’s partially true. However, actions affect attitudes and can change them—so start dating and you’ll start feeling like it.

b. Most common barriers to dating are emotional baggage and beliefs that come from misinformation. This can be overcome by being accurately informed, usually through research of your own.

Two common examples of this are ‘it’ll happen when it happens’ and ‘marriage makes everyone miserable so why bother?’.

• Science shows that the ‘it’ll happen when it happens’ line of thinking leads to remaining single. You have to make an effort and have a plan to meet and date others.

• The ‘marriage makes everyone miserable so why bother?’ may be popular in mainstream American culture, but it isn’t backed by science. While unhappily married people may be the most miserable, the vast majority are likely to be twice as happy as others living any other way—single, couples, divorced, etc.

c. Another common barrier is having a ‘chip on your shoulder’, born from the intense pain that comes from being hurt by the rejection. It makes you bitter and resentful, influencing you to hoist all that past pain onto the person you are currently dating.

• Before you start dating, it may be a good idea to do some ‘Mental Flossing’ by acknowledging that you have been hurt and have things to overcome, but it’s not anyone else’s fault and doesn’t mean other men will treat you the same way. It is not a predictor of what will happen in the future unless you treat people badly and expect the worst.

• Science shows you often get what you expect, so work on your attitude of expecting the best from other people and letting go of the past when it comes to them. Therapy may be needed in some cases.

d. Ambivalence or ‘Fence-Sitting’ is the fourth barrier to dating, feeling like you want it but not going for it because of one reason or another. Such examples include when you are ‘wanting and waiting for the right man to come along, but aren’t sure you want to do anything to make that happen.’ Duana Welch calls it the ‘Mister Perfect drops into my life’ wish.

• Everyone would like this but, as science has shown, it is very unlikely for the perfect person to just drop into your life. Outside of high school and college, where you may accidentally run into the perfect person, you have to make an effort to overcome your ambivalence.

• The key to overcoming this is to do it promptly. Don’t wait for your attitude to change, but change your attitude through actions.

Attachment-Styles as Barriers

The last barrier to dating is your Attachment-Style. This is the habitual way you interact with your partner. There are four styles present:

Style – A (Securely-Attached): You find it relatively easy to get attached to others, are comfortable depending on them, and don’t worry about being abandoned or getting close to them.
In this style, you don’t have a barrier to overcome in dating. You can theoretically date anyone and make it work.

Style – B (Anxious-Attachment): Others find it hard to get as close to you as you would like, you are worried that your partner won’t want to stay with you, and your desire to merge with another person completely sometime scares them off.

In this style, you want an intimate relationship but run people off before you can get hurt. These include ‘believing they will reject you so you reject them first’ or ‘lining up a back-up boyfriend while in a relationship’ as examples.

This style often stems from how you were raised while growing up and tends to be stable over a long period of time, but a bad relationship can change it.

Style – C (Avoidant-Attachment): You find it uncomfortable getting close to others, you want emotionally close relationships but find it difficult to trust others completely, and you worry about getting hurt from getting too close to others.

In this style, you are avoidant because you fear someone depending on you too much.

Style – D (Avoidant-Attachment): You are more comfortable without emotionally close relationships, you feel independence and self-sufficiency are more important to you than a relationship, and you prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on you.

In this style, you are avoidant because you want independence and that’s where your values are.
Note: There are more men who are avoidant than women.

Any style other that ‘Securely-Attached’ has a barrier to overcome in dating. The good news is that these can be overcome by noticing any non-secure thoughts and redirecting them to something more aligned to reality.

Example: A common thought for people with an ‘Anxious-Attachment’ style to have is, ‘He’s too good for me. As soon as he figures this out, he’ll want someone else.’

Solution: Notice that this thought is non-secure and look at current situation to see if it’s realistic. Are you really that much more worthless than other people you know? Would you put up with someone else speaking to a loved one that way?

If not, then it’s not aligned with reality. Redirect it so that it is.

Example: For an ‘Avoidant-Attachment’ style example, ‘He’s calling too much; I can’t live with this sort of pressure. I’ve got to break-up.’

Solution: Ask yourself is he behaving unrealistically or unusual for a relationship of your nature?

If you’ve told him to never call again and he’s behaving like a stalker, then that’s reality and you’re right.

However, if you are together then that’s your own thought process and far from reality. Challenge it and redirect it.

Conclusion

So there are four different barriers to relationships: Misinformation, A ‘Chip on Your Shoulder’, Ambivalence, and Attachment Style.

However, there is almost never a good time to allow your mindset to dictate that you shouldn’t date because of them. Instead, use ‘Mental Flossing’ and proactively take action. Make an effort at being happier, being active in your search for the right person, being more self-loving, and being more open to success. If you act more successful, you will be more successful in the end.

About Dr. Duana Welch

Duana C. Welch

Dr. Duana Welch is the author of Love Factually, the first book that relies on science rather than opinion to help men and women find and keep love. You can get a free sample and find out more about her and her book here.

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