How and Where To Find Men For Dating - How To Win a Man's Heart

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February 19, 2016

How and Where To Find Men For Dating

Squirrel Hunting

Where do most people meet potential partners? According to University of Chicago researcher Dr. Edward Lauman, here’s how the statistics break down:

– 23% meet at school

– 15% at work

– 10% at a private party

– 8% at a bar

– 8% at a church or synagogue

– 4% at the gym

– Less than 1% through personal ads

The best odds

So where do you find the right person? In the right place, of course. People gravitate to certain places according to what is going on in their lives and who they are. Healthier places, places where something productive is going on, will attract healthier people.

The odds are better that you’ll find people you’ll enjoy in places where people who share your interests congregate. Take a look at your favorite activities and begin by exploring the single scene at places where these activities occur. This approach not only gives you a better chance for success, but it’s also safer than looking in places where shopping for companions is everyone’s primary activity. At non-specific single events or bars, you’ll find a bigger percentage of people with emotional or drinking problems.

Let’s take a look at the right places.

Intrinsically interesting places

Intrinsically interesting places are places you would like to go because the venue’s activity itself appeals to you, whether you can find people to date there or not.

People who are in relationships and busy with their work and personal lives often talk longingly about all the things they’d like to do.

The list of things people would take part in “if I only had the time…” abounds:

– Go back to school

– Pursue a hobby

– Try out for a play

– Take up a sport

– Get in shape

– Learn to dance

– Join a hiking or camping club

– Be a community activist

– Volunteer

If you have ever dreamed of doing some things like these but didn’t for lack of space in your schedule, then now is the time: Combine your search for potential dates with the fulfillment of those wishes. Think back to all the things you have fantasized about getting involved in. Perhaps the time is right to dive into something like one of the following activities.

Sport or hobby clubs

– Are you a collector?

– Do you love horses, travel souvenirs, dancing, 30’s memorabilia or stamp collecting?​

– Are you enthused about model trains, miniature aircraft, or flying kites?

– Are you an avid skier, gardener, or hiker?

– Do you love playing bridge, chess, or computer games like Myst?

– Do you like the mental challenge of math or cross-words or astronomy?

– Do you love reading mysteries or science fiction?

– Watching movies, plays, operas, concerts, or sports?

Each of these activities has organized groups, clubs, and related gatherings that are full of other people who are just as interested in your favorite thing. People here automatically have a lot in common with you, and beginning a conversation is easy.

To find meetings, events and seminars, check your local newspaper, the internet, or fan magazines devoted to your interest.

Volunteering

If you want to work for a good cause and to meet other people who want to improve their own lives and those of others, volunteering is your best bet. You can volunteer in the arts by becoming a museum docent, ushering at concerts, or building sets in a theater. Get involved in politics by joining a campaign, working for a human rights group, or spreading information on local neighborhood issues.

If you’re a senior, consider joining the American Association of Retired Persons. If you’d like to work on environmental issues, join GreenPeace or volunteer at a local nature center or wildlife habitat. You can find opportunities to further animal rights by working at the local animal shelter or for an activist group like PETA.

For spiritual support and fellowship, volunteer for your church, temple, mosque or synagogue. If you love children, help the kids of your community by getting involved at a group home, in the schools, in a tutoring program at your local library, or with scouting or sports programs.

Volunteering for a cause you believe in not only will enrich your own life and give you a big return on your investment of time, it will also mean being close to other concerned people for long enough that you’ll have a chance to get to know them well in a comfortable setting.

Classes

Education provides natural places to meet new, intelligent and motivated people. You can find classes in anything that interests you in several venues: Local colleges and universities usually have community outreach programs for adults, in addition to their regular catalog of subjects. Municipal parks and recreation departments have classes in sports, crafts and other activities like yoga, dancing and Tai chi. Commercial “catalog” schools such as The Learning Annex offer one-session or ongoing classes, often with celebrity teachers.

Consider signing up for a class to learn more about a subject that interests you or to help you develop skills you’ve always wanted to have. You can take classes in fitness, yoga, acting, musical instruments and performance, literature, great movies and countless other interesting subjects.

The friends network

You get the best odds of meeting desirable people when you meet them through your friends. As we mentioned in the Introduction, most people in successful marriages met their spouse through a friend.

Of all the intrinsically pleasurable resources you can have, your friends network is the most logical and natural place to begin when seeking to find dating partners. Friends provide support, companionship, and comfort, and they also can introduce you into their social networks. The friends that you already know and love are a group with whom you can share holidays, good times, bad times, and information.

A solid network of friends provides a cushion and a shield in life’s difficult times- people to talk to when you need support or advice, and people to help you look out for your own emotional and physical well-being. The same network will also make your good times better by celebrating with you and congratulating you. There is nothing that feels as good in life as being surrounded by a trusted and trustworthy group of friends. More than anyone else, friends accompany you on your life’s journeys, and they know exactly how far you’ve come.

Rely on your network of friends as a resource. Even your married friends know a single people they can introduce you to. It’s not a good idea to get involved with someone at your own work, but people who work with your friends are fair game. If there’s anyone interesting in your friend’s office, have your friend set up a get-together with a group of co-workers and friends for lunch or coffee sometime.

As you form friendships with people you think you’d like to date, introduce these new potential dates into your network of existing friends so that you can see what your friends think of them. Allowing your friends to check out your potential dates will provide you with an honest and more objective assessment of their character. You’ll be more comfortable developing a romantic relationship with someone that your friends also like and feel would be a good match for you.

Organized resources

Groups that already have a schedule of planned events and an organizational structure can be extremely helpful to you as a single person seeking dates, especially if your group of friends is too small or too far away to be useful as a resource for meeting new people.

Organized resources such as groups, clubs, churches, and classes are readily available in most communities, and provide the next best thing to a network of friends. In fact, if you attend meetings and events of an organization for a while, you will soon make friends within that context and thereby expand your own social network. The people you meet there will already be known to others in the group which makes it safer for you as well.

Socializing through organized resources is similar to the “un-dating” method discussed in Chapter 4. A main objective of the un-dating process is to find a way to be in the company of new friends long enough to figure out if you want to date them. Organizations with regular meetings or events give you an opportunity to work or play with a group of new friends frequently and regularly, in a similar context each time, as you get to know them.

Why it works

All these strategies for finding compatible dates are effective because you are not solely focused on meeting somebody- you’re participating in enjoyable activities and you have interests in common with the other people there. It’s a much more realistic way to form a successful new friendship than going to a place solely for the purpose of finding a date. You’re under a lot less pressure because you’re doing something you understand, and that you know you’ll enjoy.

In addition, when you’re involved in something you feel good about, your demeanor will reflect that, and you’ll be at your most attractive. The other people you meet there will share your interest, and you’ll have a natural and easy topic for discussion that will lead on to other topics as you get to know one another better. In this way, you’ll get to know each other gradually and simply. The whole process is a lot more inviting and less anxiety-producing than “singles events.”

The people you’ll meet there will often be mixed in age, background, and marital status, but that can be a plus. People who are not “eligible” for dating will be relaxed about meeting you, and they have friends. The “ineligible” people you meet might be a better resource for meeting new people than the event itself.

Why effective dating looks difficult

When most people think of dating, they think of singles events and single bars. That’s how it’s portrayed in the movies and TV, and people talk about the “fun” they have getting drunk in a bar. There’s even a special vocabulary devoted to the seedier side of the singles scene, made up of phrases like “meat market,” “trolling,” “bar crawling,” and other equally pessimistic expressions. Going to a bar requires no research or advance planning, so in this regard it sounds easy enough. Having a drink sounds like it will make you less nervous, too.

Finding a suitable activity you enjoy, on the other hand, takes some work and advance planning, so in this way it seems a lot harder to do than simply putting on a clean shirt and hitting the corner hangout for an evening. Once you’ve chosen your activity based on an interest or hobby, going to the first event or meeting may make you nervous, since you can’t really know what to expect until you get there. You may worry that there won’t be enough single people there, or enough people your age there.

Don’t fall for this line of thinking, because it’s the exact opposite of the truth. Getting drunk and meeting other drunken people may seem to be fun at the time, but it seldom seems that way afterward, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Likewise, a group of “singles,” together because they’re single and for no other reason, has a desperate, superficial, anxious atmosphere that’s not fun, either. Often, you come away thinking you’ve never met such shallow people. Sometimes the people there aren’t really shallow, but the loud music, stilted atmosphere, and anxiety make them seem that way. It’s almost impossible to get to know anyone.

The truth is that while it may be easiest to meet people at a singles club or bar, it is hardest to find friends in these places. And while attending scheduled events may seem harder because it requires some planning, it provides the easiest venue for finding compatible dates.

Excerpted from the book Dr. Romance’s Guide to Dating in the Digital Age by Dr. Tina B. Tessina. Published with permission.

About the author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 35 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty and Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.

Connect with Dr. Tessina online:

www.tinatessina.com
Dr. Romance Blog: www.drromance.typepad.com
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Twitter.com/LoveForever
Facebook.com/TinaTessina
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