How Do I Know I Am Ready For A Relationship After a Break up - How To Win a Man's Heart

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August 12, 2014

How Do I Know I Am Ready For A Relationship After a Break up

# 1. Knowledge is Power

Allison Cohen

Many will tell you that you are ready to move on from a break up when you stop missing your ex. The truth however, is that we often don’t fully release the hold our ex has over our hearts until someone new fills the void. Our memories are long and deep and in times of loneliness, we go back to the last place we felt connection. This means re-living experiences and missing our last partner and that’s okay. True “readiness” comes from understandingwhy we broke up to begin with. When your differences and core issues become crystal clear, you place context around the split and come to accept that your ex was not meant to be your forever mate. With this knowledge, you are able to move forward with the ability to make smarter decisions in order to find your true long term partner…even if you miss your ex until you get there.

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT –

# 2. Give yourself an exit interview!

Kristen Brown

There are many factors to consider in knowing when is the right time. If the previous relationship was longterm or there was a profound betrayal or abandonment involved, it may take longer than you think. Only YOU can be the judge of when you are truly ready and in the meantime, some substantial self reflecting and awareness needs to be investigated.

Here are some powerful questions to reflect on that can jump start your path to healing and readiness.

1. What was my contribution to the demise of the relationship? ( Even if someone did you WAY wrong, you still have your percent of negative contribution). It’s important to take ownership of YOU rather than blaming and getting stuck in blame.

2. Who am I and what exactly do I want in a partner? Make a list of 100 attributes that you’d like your next partner to have. Take the “don’t wants” to discover your “wants”. And then… Do I feel worthy of such a wonderful person?

3. Have I forgiven my ex? Forgiveness is for YOU, not the other person. When you have truly forgiven, you have released toxic energy and are open to receiving from a new partner. To carry around hate and bitterness is to attach dense energy to your new relationship from the start.

In closing, trust yourself, your core, you inner knowing, to guide you to this answer. You already DO know inside if you are ready, and if you are not, be wide open and willing to do the work to heal.

Kristen Brown, Certified Empowerment Coach/Mentor –

# 3. Review the following scenarios and answer “yes” or “no” to them:

Jeannie Dougherty

First you have to determine if you’re just rebounding or not.

Review the following scenarios and answer “yes” or “no” to them:

1. You called one of your “friends with benefits” as soon as you dealt with the immediate blow from your breakup.

2. You immediately find ways to go out with your friends and act as available as possible. You may choose to engage in flirting, touching or making out in public places, which may lead to other sexually risky behavior.

3. It’s been less than two weeks since your last breakup, and you’ve already met someone new and can’t wait to introduce him to everyone you know.

If any of these statements are true for you, you’re not ready for a new relationship. You’re looking for a rebound or to just be single, date and have fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with that!

Starting a new relationship is a big commitment, which is hard to make when you’re just getting over a breakup. You first have to work through the emotional baggage of your former relationship, before you can start a new one.

Instead of jumping back in, first spend some time really getting to know yourself. Discover who you are and what you want in life and in love.

Once you’ve done that and have worked through past relationship patterns that no longer serve you, then you’ll be ready for a new relationship.

Jeannie Dougherty, MAPC, LCPC, LPC –

# 4. A good relationship is one where both parties are capable of being independent and inter-dependent

Margie Ulbrick

Many people are aware that they have baggage from a previous relationship and do not want to carry that like a dirty old smell around with them forever! But nevertheless some people do seem to rush headlong into a new relationship often later recalling they were “on the rebound”. So it can be a fine line and sometimes the right person seems to come along at the wrong time.

It is such an individual thing and there are no hard and fast rules. But it may help to be aware of a few important pre-requisites for forming healthy relationships. That could serve as a bit of a small checklist as to readiness to enter another relationship. A good relationship is one where both parties are capable of being independent and inter-dependent. That is, they can stand on their own two feet and can also share their lives in a way that doesn’t overwhelm either of them but that is supportive and nurturing for both.

It’s also good to have been able to reflect honestly on why the previous relationship ended and to ask: “What did I learn about myself? Where are my strengths and weaknesses in relationship? Am I too self centered and too prone to acting unilaterally without consideration for my lover/partner or am I clingy, needy or too dependent, too easily swayed and not able to stand up for my own needs? We all are capable of many behaviours depending what our triggers are, so it can help to know our own vulnerabilities and to be aware what our growth edge is.

Lastly, am I really over my last relationship or have I just buried the pain, loss and grief? Do I feel ready to enter a relationship and do I have something to bring or am I just trying to fill a hole and cover up some emptiness? Relationships are all about growth so it’s good to bring some self-awareness into your next relationship! That way it can be a real adventure!

Margie Ulbrick, LLB/BA/GD SOCSCI –

# 5. Making a conscious decision whether and when to resume dating take patience and awareness

Orly Katz

Almost every break up is a loss that involves a grieving process. The person who goes through the loss often goes through some common emotional stages:

Denial – Thinking: “It can’t be happening”, “this is not the end”
Anger – Asking “why”
Negotiation – Trying to resolve the pain; contemplating “if I had only…”
Sadness – Crying
Acceptance – Remembering the good times.

Making a conscious decision whether and when to resume dating take patience and awareness. It requires careful assessment:

Assess yourself and evaluate your feelings

When did you start the grieving process? Have you started it before the breakup? Did you see it coming? Was the breakup a complete surprise?

Determine which stage you were at during your breakup

Where you close to the final stage (acceptance), or did the breakup caught you by surprise when you are still in denial and hoping that your significant other is coming back. The closer you are to acceptance, the easier it is to start dating.

Assess your support system

Do you have friends and family with whom you can do enjoyable things? Do you have people whom you can rely on? You want to surround yourself with a strong support system.

Assess your internal strength

What are those qualities that you are most comfortable with? Develop these strengths and utilize them when making a decision. Based on your assessment, you can map out your plans and actions for starting dating again.

Orly Katz, LCPC , RN –

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