How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk - How To Win a Man's Heart

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August 10, 2014

How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk

Many of the people we come across in our work as dating coaches have shared with us that they believe that the reason that they are still single, or even divorced, is because they continuously meet and date Jerks.

It is only upon scratching the surface that we realize that in fact there are several things going on that either is encouraging the people they meet to behave like jerks or that is attracting them to jerks specifically.

The definition of a “jerk or jerkette*,” largely has to do with a person’s challenging character. These are people who care very little about others, and expect people to run their lives around them.

There are people who are attractive jerks, who know the right things to say and do, who are very charming and charismatic, but who really care very little about anyone but themselves.

They may apologize in some insignificant superficial way to acknowledge that they hurt you, but still, they will make you feel as though you should feel lucky to be with them.

Many people have personality or even behavioural flaws that may make them appear to be less than optimal dates (such as forgetting dates, not coming up with the most interesting things to say, or choosing less than exciting dating venues), and this really applies to all of us.

However, deep down at their core they are good people. They hold down a job, have friends and hobbies, if they upset you they feel upset and work to find a way to make you feel better in a way that means something to you.

Sadly, while many of us believe that we want the “Decent Yet Flawed Person,” we go for the Attractive Jerk, or worse, the mythical “perfect person who does everything right, and can do no wrong.”

We haven’t yet met this person, and I doubt anyone else has either. Even if we do know this person, we would probably be bored to tears within minutes because part of what excites us to be in a relationship is the friction that is caused by our differing opinions.

This is also what enables growth in a relationship. Growth can’t occur in relationships where two people are the same, after all, if this were the case, at least one of us would be superfluous.

So what is it that makes us go for” jerks” or “attractive jerks?”  Many of us have been raised to believe that we aren’t worthy of being with someone who is really good and kind to us.

Either we were neglected by parents who felt other things were more important than we are, or worse we were abused and belittled.  Some of us were ridiculed by peers and didn’t have the support to stand up for ourselves.

Some of us who are attracted to decent people, sabotage these relationships by putting themselves down because of their low self-esteem and feelings of shame and thereby invite their dates to treat them badly.

No one could realistically expect someone to treat them nicely and feel attracted to them, when they don’t feel good about themselves.

Unless we heal these wounds we will continue to date people who remind us of what we are used to.

This is what Harville Hendrix refers to as our Imago, an image from our past that reinforces us to be attracted to what it is that we are used to, rather than what we really need and want.

Through dating coaching you can become more aware about what it is that you truly need and want from a relationship so that you either stop going for the jerk, or work on your self-image enough to encourage decent people to treat you well.

*The word Jerk is used for both genders in this article as both men and women can be jerks.

About the authors

Micki-Lavin-Pell

Micki Lavin-Pell, MS, MA successful Marriage and Family Therapist and Dating Coach since 2002. Co- creator of the Dating with a Difference workshop, and is a pre-marriage educator (Prepare/Enrich).  She works with individuals and couples all over the world via Skype.

Check out her website: www.relationship-renovation.com, or e-mail her on Micki [at] relationship-renovation.com  (replace [at] with @), to find out more.

Linda Bezalely, successful Life Coach, Dating Coach, and co-creator of Dating with a Difference. For more information, contact her on +972-52-6363-424, or lindabezalely [at] gmail.com (replace [at] with @).




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