How To Be Naturally Hard To Get- Dr. Duana C. Welch - How To Win a Man's Heart

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How To Be Naturally Hard To Get- Dr. Duana C. Welch

Interview Summary

Below is the summary of the interview with Dr. Duana Welch on how to be naturally hard to get.

High and Low Self-Esteem

There are women who are naturally hard to get. Through the sciences she has discovered that they have high self-respect, and has compiled the information below:

• The first thing to note is that playing is faking. It’s different than truly being hard to get as the way you are.

There is a profile for women who are naturally hard to get:

– They feel good about themselves, and their lives.

– They work on their life, having interests, hobbies, friends, family, a career, etc.

– Their lives are pretty full, so when someone wants to spend time with them they have them work themselves into it, rather than the woman clearing her calendar.

– They have a rich and fulfilling life and, if someone wants to assert themselves into it, then they are welcomed to. But he’s going to have to find where he fits in.

– They have high self-esteem, and there are things they just won’t do. They won’t just drop their plans because someone calls them up for a date. They have a right to have time to themselves and, even if their plans were to just sit down and watch a movie, they find it a worthy endeavor.

• Women with low self-esteem will believe that they should clear their schedule and put a man they don’t even know ahead of people they do know, because they are terrified he won’t call again if they doesn’t make it easy. But the science has shown that if women make it easy, it will end with them being used.

• Men have two mating patterns running at the same time and tend to place women who are easy to get into the ‘Ms. Right Now’ category. You could easily get demoted to this category without realizing it through your actions because men like women who are hard to get.

– Naturally hard to get women don’t even think about this. They realize that they have work, dignity, and high enough self-confidence to know there will be other men who will pursue them. If they really want you, then they won’t stop pursing you.

• Women with high self-esteem have an aura about them that states they are good enough on their own and act accordingly. They won’t be available last minute, but they won’t be bitchy about informing their dates about it. They aren’t mean-spirited about it, but simply have good boundaries.


There are pitfalls that women who have low self-esteem fall into. Women who have high self-esteem easily avoid them:

• They don’t avoid making plans with their friends so that their schedule is open for someone they are dating. They plan their lives out and don’t live on the edge waiting for someone to call.

• They don’t make excuses for men who don’t pursue them, and they don’t pursue those men. They know that, while their dates may have their reasons, they just aren’t that interested in them and they’re okay with that.

• They don’t treat men as though they have the same mating psychology as them. While men and women mostly want the same thing, men want fertility and fidelity. They talk about wanting someone who’s hot and faithful, which translates to beauty and high-status.

– Women who have high self-esteem naturally emit the cues that men look for. By being able to say ‘No’ and waiting for what they want, it tells men that they are high-status. If he leads, she follows a step or two behind.

• They don’t say they love their date first. When men fall in love, they fall into it more deeply. They are less likely to break-up, and take a longer time to recover from a break up. Men are more emotional than women, so if he isn’t saying he loves you, then he doesn’t.


When it comes to sex, women who are naturally hard to get have rules that they abide by. Some wait until they are engaged or married, but most wait until it’s safe for them. Science has led to a baseline safe standard listed below:

• Women often feel the safest time to have sex when the man has offered exclusivity, told them he loves them, and has shown that he does through action first.

– Research has shown that men who are playing the field often say they love someone because, to women, it signals commitment and subsequently leads to sex with them. For this reason, saying it isn’t enough to feel safe.

– Men have to actually prove they are in love with women through bringing presents, introducing them to their friends and family eagerly, or talking about a shared future.

• This isn’t advocating that everyone find a marriage partner, but that most women do want this. For them, being hard to get is the smoothest path they can take. If you simply want to play the field and have sex, the easiest way to do it is to ask for sex.

Being Someone You’re Not

Modern culture has told women they need to drop their boundaries and stop being hard to get. They feel terribly guilty about have any expectation or boundaries about male behavior. The truth is that women who have high self-esteem are the ones who are hard to get:

• Hard to get doesn’t equate to making men jump through hoops like dogs or begging men to love you. It is not only clingy, but manipulation.

• When you are truly hard to get, you are actually respecting men. If he doesn’t want you, you are putting zero pressure on him. If he does, he’ll put forth the effort. It allows him to determine if you are worth the effort and, if he doesn’t think so, you’re setting him free.

• Being hard to get doesn’t manipulate men, but creates a tipping point that eliminates men who would have played with you and gets men who do love you to realize it and make a commitment. They’re the ones who are making that decision; you’re simply being distant enough to let them make it.

• This is difficult because women know what they want when they have it, but men only realize what they want when it’s gone. It’s a very distinct difference between the sexes.

– If your response is to apply your own mating psychology to men, they perceive it as you being an ankle weight, dragging them down. It’s not attractive to them.

– What is attractive to them is, without your intervention, pressure, and manipulation, them getting to figure out at a distance how much they love you.

About Dr. Duana C Welch

Duana C. Welch

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. is the relationship advice columnist known for applying social science research to reader questions about a variety of romantic-relationship issues.  Her blog, “LoveScience: Research-based relationship advice for everyone” is a best-seller in the relationship and behavioral science categories at, and is also available free at

Duana launched LoveScience in 2009.  She’s also a regular contributor at Psychology Today and eHarmony, where she muses about relationship science.  Duana’s book, Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, released in January, 2015; it is the first science-based book to take readers from before they meet until they commit to The One.  You can also learn more about Dr. Duana and her book at