How To Enhance Your Femininity - How To Win a Man's Heart

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May 30, 2015

How To Enhance Your Femininity

# 1. First, learn to define your femininity

Dr. Randi Gunther

Every person has a multiplicity of facets they turn to specific situations. They are like different masks carefully chosen to orchestrate the best option at a moment in time. The puppeteer within each person makes those decisions as each opportunity arises.

That process may sound complicated but it is as natural as breathing. From the time you are able to create relationships, you have learned what part of you works best with whomever you are connecting to at the time. You will have searched for love, for meaning, and for pleasure, and tried to avoid sorrow, loss, or pain. As you’ve matured, your facets will have, hopefully, become more sophisticated and effective.

Take that concept and apply it to your own sense of your value as a woman. Do you have multiple feminine masks that you show to different people in different situations? Can you be a sexually alive woman to one man, and a dear and trusted friend to another? Are you tightly wound in your work situation but kicked back with old friends watching a game? Do you hide your fears, mistrusts, and traumas from the world in general and only share them with your professional listener? Do you wish you think you should be a better cook but have just never felt like being that domesticated but pretend with some relationships that you love to prepare a meal? Are you careful about what you share for fear the man you’re with won’t like you if he knew who you really are inside?

There are many facets to every woman and accepting that you do not always show the same side of you in every situation is the beginning of understanding your core and how you present which part of it to attain your goals. There is a significant caveat: without knowing deeply who you are inside, you will allow your facets to be rustled from the outside. Let me explain what that means:

What if you framed a facet on the other end of an angry, impossible-to-please, father. You could only get him to love you if you were always quiet and never asked for anything. You formed the facet called “super agreeable and non-demanding child.” Then, as an adult, you fall in love with a man who wants his woman to never ask for anything he doesn’t have to give. That situation pulls your childhood facet forward, outside the control of your inside core person. You’ve lost your integrity.

Each of us has facets which are healing and those which are self-destructive. The media pulls out a facet that is the currently “perfect woman.” Your employer pulls out the “how do I get a head in this situation” facet, and you scramble to present what works.

Your psyche will not fragment if your core person is in charge, but will be vulnerable to falling apart if you do not know who you are inside and why and how you choose to present yourself in any situation. The woman inside of you is ideally the creator of your dreams and the master of your transformations. Her most reliable mentor is a combination of all of the women you have admired throughout your life. Rather than spending your life situation dependent, try to create a meld of the kind of woman you want to become. Then, pull in each of your facets and teach them to present in accord with the core that nurtures them. As you practice that process over and over, you will soon become integrated in such a way that you will not be that different anywhere, but the best you can be everywhere. Your femininity will be a constantly transforming kaleidoscope of the combination of who you’ve been and what you will become at your best.

You can always rely on what you’ve known. You can always present in ways that work. But, remember, you will get better at what you practice throughout your life. The quiet authenticity of a woman who loves who she is at her core, and manifests that self-respect in every facet of her life is always the most true representative of her genuine femininity.

Dr. Randi Gunther –

# 2. Consciously work on balancing the yin and yang

Cynthia Pickett

In today’s world of go, go, go and rush, rush, rush, it is hard to nurture our feminine side! For me it is about balancing the yin and the yang energy within myself.

Yin energy is the feminine. It is the soft, nurturing, creative, quiet, and intuitive side of us. Yang energy is the masculine. It is aggressive, task oriented, warlike energy. Yang energy does not just apply to military action but also being at war with running a household, getting the list of “to-do’s” done, or with your own family. Both men and women have both yin and yang energy. By nurturing the yin side of ourselves we feel softer, calmer and more feminine.

There are many things that can be done. Developing a daily meditation routine before the kids get up, cut back on your schedule where you can (hint: most kids are way over scheduled these days). Fix a meal and enjoy the process, be creative with it. Paint, write, doodle, listen to softer music (it doesn’t have to be classical but not metal or head banging music), play a musical instrument (a jug counts), make a craft, play with kids, literally stop and feel the sunshine and smell the roses. These are all things that both men and women can do to balance the two sides of themselves.

In addition, do specific girlie girl things like get a new hairstyle, get a mani/pedi, buy new makeup, get a makeover, take a hot bath and light candles. Buy yourself a new outfit, something that makes you feel pretty. Wear fancy lingerie to work or out running errands. Don’t just wear lingerie for your partner but wear it for yourself too. You can’t help feeling more feminine with this one. And lastly, breathe! Breathing is probably the single most important, healthy thing you can do for yourself. It is very balancing and will help you to calm. Most people breathe from their chest but this needs to be done from the belly below the belly button. You won’t believe how your life will change just with this one step.

All in all it is about bringing balance in to your life. By consciously working to balance the yin and yang energies you will feel stronger, calmer and be able to aggressively knock out the “to-do” list while softly taking care of yourself and your family.

Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC –

# 3. Follow the advice below


It is unfortunate that we have come to associate ‘femininity’ with weakness or silliness in our society, but I think we have, particularly in the workplace. Today’s woman wants to be taken seriously and project an air of agency, reason and strength—sometimes this means sacrificing the softer graces of her gendered personality. We get to a point that we find ourselves being masculine as a way of protecting ourselves from vulnerability or criticism. I believe true femininity is actually in itself a strength, but be careful not to confuse ‘womanliness’ with ‘girliness’.

There is nothing that inspires confidence or respect when a woman acts ‘girly’. Being girly means you are devote energy toward tangential and superfluous things in life. For instance, instead of preparing for the board meeting, you are in the bathroom gossiping and doing your hair. That is girly. Becoming histrionic over little injustices or problems is girly. Being superficial and not carefully attuning to yourself and others, not communicating in a way that is efficient and direct, that is girly.

Womanliness involves being graceful and warm to others, taking steps to present yourself in a way that brings out your natural beauty, but not being preoccupied by how you are seen, avoiding attention-seeking interactions. Women are not petty, vain, distracted and immature. Be mindful to address yourself as a ‘woman’ instead of a ‘girl’. (If a 45-year old male co-worker were to refer to himself and his peers as ‘boys’, that would be pretty silly). Embrace your beauty and know it is not a liability, but don’t count on beauty to absolve you of responsibility to meaningfully earn high regard from others.

Brett McDonald, M.S., LMHC –

# 4. Practice loving yourself and loving others

Julie Ferman

We women are sensual beings – take time each day to pause for reflection or a short, sweet meditation. Steal a quick 30 seconds of conscious peace, when the traffic light changes to yellow – rather than speeding up to sneak in on the tail end of the yellow light, slow up to catch that minute or two of peace while pausing at the red light. Find those quiet moments to tune into the gorgeous sound of birds chirping, the enlivening feeling of the sun on your shoulders, the sweetness of your morning orange juice, the tantalizing aroma of brewing coffee, and the life giving burst of color in the floral section of the supermarket.

We girls are the connectors of the universe. Especially when life is difficult, serving up rotten tomatoes, look for ways to brighten the lives of the beautiful humans who cross your path each and every day. Choose someone from your world whom you know is struggling, and send off an email message, pick up the phone or send a card with a heartfelt message. Find those sweet little opportunities that exist for each of us every day, to contribute to and to serve others. When someone cuts you off in traffic or barks at you in the office, take a breath, count to eight and allow your communication to be from a place of choice, rather than reacting in haste. Speak with honor, respect, and compassion.

Take time each morning to fluff up and fix your hair, clean that gorgeous skin of yours, apply moisturizer, lip balm, hand and body cream – honor the temple that your body is. Move your beautiful body every day, to get your blood flowing and your mind sharp. Take a few minutes to straighten up your home; we feel more feminine when things in our lives are in order, and each glimpse of an unmade bed or a sink full of dirty dishes tends to zap a bit of our feminine energy.

Smile. Whether you feel happy or not, choose to lift the corners of your mouth and feel the difference. And see how many smiles you can generate on the faces of the other gorgeous humans throughout your day. Focusing outward, vs. inward allows your radiant feminine energy to touch and enliven others, which feeds your soul, generating more smiles and more love.

In other words, love. Practice loving yourself and loving others. As to love is to be feminine. And to be feminine is to love.

Julie Ferman, B.A. –

# 5. Follow the advice below

Amy Sherman

A woman often bases her self-image/body-image in large part on how she looks. Unfortunately, many women are very critical of their bodies and assume they are aging poorly. They may feel unattractive because they focus on the extra pounds, grey hairs and wrinkles. Your partner may see you in an entirely different light and pay little attention to the “flaws” keeping you up at night.

What is most important to realize is that sensuality and desire continue to change, but it doesn’t mean it changes in a bad way. You can still look forward to and enjoy intimacy as you had in the past. It is healthy for you to do so. Therefore, look beyond what you think will keep someone from finding your attractive. Then, do the inner work to help yourself feel attractive and proud of how you look. Confidence is a turn-on!

If you do not enjoy sexuality and want to avoid it for as long as possible, take the time to become aware of why. Do you have physiological reasons why sex is uncomfortable or unpleasant for you? Are there psychological reasons why you don’t enjoy intimacy because of past abuse, criticism or other hurts?

These issues need to be addressed through counseling, sex therapy, hypnotherapy, coaching, or a medical examination that gets to the root of your challenges. Don’t be afraid to address these issues now. If you avoid them, you will be faced with uncomfortable circumstances ahead with new relationship partners that can be even more distressing.

Feeling close with another person is something that happens over time and develops through shared experiences and mutual commitment. The closer you are, the more intimate you become. Sometimes that can be startling. After all, this person knows you really well, including all your flaws, quirks, peculiarities and dreams.

Intimacy starts by taking one step at a time and by building levels of familiarity and trust. Many people think of intimacy as the sexual component of the relationship. However, sex is just one part of the whole, which also includes emotional and spiritual compatibility.

Hopefully you are aware that as you age, sexuality is still an important part of your life — something you should not want to give up. However, when you are new to dating, after a divorce, a break up or the end of a long-standing relationship, you may have to revitalize, rejuvenate and even reevaluate your womanhood, again, to reboot your sexuality and sensual experiences.

Be aware that there are no black and white “rules” about how and when to enter into the sexual aspect of a new relationship. Let your experience, values, sense of trust and receptivity guide you. Be open to talking to other single women about how they deal with these sensitive issues. Or join a support group where discussions of this sort are common. Relationship Coaches are also great resources to turn to for suggestions and answers.

The most important point to remember is to never allow yourself to be pushed or pressured by guilt or shame into having sex before you’re ready. A partner who is insensitive to your feelings on this subject may not be a partner worth keeping.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC –

# 6. Embrace your femininity in 4 steps

Amanda Patterson

Interested in stepping into your female power but unsure of how to do it? Looking to balance the masculine energy that comes along with being in the corporate world with the femininity required to be in a relationship? Here are four steps for you to follow in order to channel your inner Goddess. She is there waiting to be unleashed to her full potential.

1. Look at what it means to be feminine to you

Women receive all type of messages about what it means to be a woman. What are some of the messages you received? That women have to be thin or wear heels? That women need to cook in clean and clean in order to be valuable? It is important to look at the healthy and unhealthy thinking patterns that impact your view of femininity. Look for ways in your life you are already feminine. This first step is getting a solid foundation as to what femininity has meant to you so far.

2. Work on limiting belief systems that impact your femininity

Through your look into your views of femininity maybe you discovered that you believe that women have to be in make-up at all times or that you need to be able to balance home, work, family, friends and your personal life at 100%. What are some of the unhealthy thinking patterns you discovered that you have related to being feminine? With the help of a therapist or a self-help workbook, you can easily apply Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to help replace your thoughts.

3. Create new beliefs about what it means to be feminine

Through your personal work, you will move to the next step of creating new belief systems about how you intend to unleash the Goddess within. It is time to create new thinking patterns. Look to your role models for ways they are feminine. Look to women in your industry, in the type of relationships you want or women in power to see how they express their female energy. Also, check in with yourself for guidance. Your inner being can serve as a guide for what makes you comfortable and what fits for you. Maybe you decide that wearing dresses helps make you feel feminine but you disagree that you should be the one making all of the meals.

4. Choose to love your feminine side

Once you have an idea of what it means to be feminine for you, it’s time to love that side of you! Compliment yourself when you feel the most beautiful. Reward small successes with bubble baths, new make-up or even a new outfit for a special occasion. Once the inner Goddess is embraced, there are no limits to the successes she can bring.

Amanda Patterson, LMHC –

# 7. Embrace vulnerability

Brooke Campbell

Women struggle to have it all: the career and the relationship of their dreams, which often times leaves them feeling stuck.

In today’s society, messages are sent to women to be it all and do it all, simultaneously.

These high demands we place on ourselves are unrealistic and unobtainable.

The key to shifting into a feminine energy in the context of relationships revolves around one little word: vulnerability.

This is why women struggle with shifting from their masculine-needed work energy to a more vulnerable feminine energy in their relationships.

Feminine and masculine qualities present as polar opposites of the spectrum.

Women must feel safe: emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, and sexually to reveal their vulnerability with their partner.

Relationships must be rooted in equality first before vulnerability can be shown.

Ask yourself:

Do my thoughts and matter to this person?
Do we share in decision-making or is my partner always calling the shots?
Are my values respected?
Am I free to express my independence separate from this relationship?
Does my partner positively support me when I make steps to reach my goals?

If you answered yes all of the questions above then perhaps you feel safe enough to reveal your vulnerability with your partner.

Once you can identify that you feel safe to let your guard down, you can allow your feminine side to shine through.

Brooke Campbell, M.A., RDT-BCT, LCAT –

# 8. Overcome your fear of being judged


Often times as women we tend to ignore our feminine side. We forget that as women we are powerful, nurturing, forgiving, sweet, kind, compassionate, givers of life and the voice of reason in our families. We forget that embracing our femininity is a sign of strength and confidence in who we are and what we represent. And we forget that when we choose to embrace our femininity with no reservations, we are teaching our daughters, nieces ,little sisters and young girls in our community that it is ok to be Sweet, Soft and Sensual.

There are times when we are ostracized for being too sweet, too sexy, too sensual or too emotional. We often find that being a woman that embraces her femininity is frowned upon and so we make the decision to cover up more, be less sweet, turn our emotions down and embrace more of our masculine side instead. I have found that when I was younger and was challenged by a male colleague, lover, or friend/family member that I would turn away from being Sweet, Soft and Sensual and instead present myself as Hard, Neutral and Laid Back.

We as women find the need to adapt to our surroundings, instead of demanding that our surroundings accept us for who we are. We as women will discredit the amazing feeling of power that we thrive on because of our femininity. And we as women often allow ourselves to be shamed for wearing our hearts on our sleeves and embracing our curves and not covering

So the question is WHY? Why do we feel the need to be who we are not? Why do we feel the need to adapt and fit the mold of what makes our male counterparts, elders, and colleagues (both male and female) more comfortable and accepting of us? AND Why do we settle for anything less than the respect that we deserve for being exactly who we are?

The answer to that is simple and complex all in one; FEAR. Fear of not being loved. Fear of not being respected. And the fear of being judged by the people who matter most.

So I ask you, how long will you live in fear? How long will you allow yourself to be ostracized and made to feel ashamed for being Sweet, Soft and Sensual? And how long will you adapt for the comfort of others; ignoring the power that lives within embracing your femininity?

Wendy Whitmore, MS, LMFT –

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