How To Free Yourself From Unhealthy and Unfulfilling Relationships - How To Win a Man's Heart

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August 9, 2014

How To Free Yourself From Unhealthy and Unfulfilling Relationships

Maintaining unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships can drain a person’s life force, while letting go of them empowers us to shift our reality and create space for new relationships that enhance our growth. Blessing and releasing unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships with unconditional love and integrity can teach us how to forgive our past, heal ourselves, and generate positive energy to progress on our spiritual path toward greater growth and fulfillment.

If we do not break clean from an unhealthy relationship and stop investing energy in it, we will continue to desperately keep it alive while knowing in our hearts that our spirit has already left it, causing us to feel dead inside.

Many relationships come to a pivotal point where one person has grown to such a degree that the other partner must transform as well or the relationship will be in jeopardy. Usually the partner resists the natural shift that is occurring by creating distraction or drama, which ignites tension and conflict. At this crossroads, one or both partners may choose to end the relationship or use the creative energy that has been awakened to transform the relationship.

While working with couples, I often ask each person at the beginning of the session, “How do you think things are going with your relationship?” Many times one partner will tell me they think things are good and they feel close to their partner, while the other person discloses that they want a separation or divorce. On the other hand, in some cases both partners may be able to move through the crisis by letting go of the old form of their relationship and cocreating a new form capable of sustaining mutual spiritual growth.

Blessing and releasing unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships is often challenging. For one thing, there is the matter of loyalty or fear of not finding another relationship. Even when we know it is in our best interest to let go of someone we loved and move on, thoughts of doing so trigger upheaval, such as feelings of guilt, resentment, anger, disappointment, or sadness. This is especially true if the partners are in different stages of emotional or spiritual growth or if they disagree about terminating the relationship. We may feel ready to release the relationship, while the other person, terrified of change, is adamantly holding on to it. In this scenario, one partner will stop at nothing to block the ending of the relationship, resistance that causes conflict and prevents healing. As a result much energy is spent on judging and blaming, which only produces more complications in ending the relationship.

In addition, many people are influenced by the myth that the passionate, divine union of souls they envision as their ideal is an unattainable dream or a perfect script for a movie. Consequently, they convince themselves that their relationship is “as good as it gets” and settle for a facsimile of soul-hearted partnership.

Society itself encourages people to remain in unfulfilling relationships by perpetuating the myth that you should “stay and work it out” or “remain loyal to the family” even when the relationship is supporting self-destructive patterns or is incompatible with the partners’ emotional or spiritual needs. But when families and friends support the status quo they are usually motivated, either consciously or unconsciously, by the desire to keep their own lives unaffected by changes resulting from the breakup, especially financial or emotional burdens. When partners yield to such societal demands to remain in unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships, they sacrifice their dreams, which ultimately stifles their spiritual growth.

Also, if people doing inner spiritual work contemplate leaving an unfulfilling relationship, they often procrastinate, ignoring unmistakable signs and experiences that tell them the relationship’s life cycle has ended.

To create a new, deeper relationship, they must completely release patterns associated with the former one and enter into a spiritual covenant with each other to transform their partnership.

In preparing to bless and release an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship, it is first important to remember that the demise of the relationship cannot be blamed on one partner. The old adage “It takes two to tango” holds true because each person is accountable for the direction the relationship has taken regardless of who is dissolving it. When both people take full responsibility for every choice in their lives, including being in the relationship in the first place, then there are no victims, and peaceful coexistence is possible.

When both people take responsibility for co-creating and letting go of their relationship, they validate the purpose the relationship has served and their experiences in it.

Here is an example of such an acknowledgment in the form of a letter one person wrote to their ex-partner expressing appreciation and love:

“My dear one, let us always remember the purpose that brought us together and that we entered into our relationship with meaningful intention, support, and love. Let us now part in love and appreciation for each other. I release our relationship for my own spiritual transformation and hold you in the sacredness of my heart forever. Together, let’s declare a new positive intention to separate well in love, care, and mutual understanding.”

There are several ways to evaluate whether an unhealthy and unfulfilling relationship is worth keeping and working on or if it is so dependent on history and patterns, and so fraught with incompatibilities that we need to terminate and release it. One way is to ask ourselves: “Is this relationship appropriate to my true being and for this period of my life?” This question implies that we are in touch with our true being and can assess whether the relationship is supporting it. Talking with a therapist or journaling can assist us in determining which aspects of the relationship may be at odds with our true being and spiritual growth.

Another way to evaluate whether a relationship supports our personal well-being and growth is to ask ourselves: “Does this relationship affirm and enhance my well-being?” Does this person love, trust, and support me with integrity?” and “Do I feel good about myself when I am with this person?” If the answers are yes, then it is worth maintaining the relationship. If the answers are maybe, observe more and remain in touch with the person for the time being. If the answers are no, bless and release the relationship, wishing the other person a happy life.

When we recognize that a relationship is over and we need to let go, we have to balance between two realities—the physical reality of the relationship and the spiritual reality that our spirit has moved on and is informing us of new future possibilities.

Dealing with the physical reality may seem like visiting a gravesite where there remains a physical marker of the deceased while the deceased’s spirit has gone elsewhere. It is under such circumstances, where physical remnants of a relationship still exist within the spiritual vacuum, that transitional relationships tend to occur. Although it may be tempting at such a time to “cut and run,” it is beneficial to allow time for a healthy, healing breakup. This is because we need to complete the relationship energy and review its significance in our lives to clear the necessary space for eventually cocreating another one or choosing to remain alone.

The following are guidelines for completing a relationship with unconditional love, respect, and integrity.

First, give yourself permission to let go of the relationship without experiencing guilt, fear, shame, or hopelessness.

Remember, the other person has the power of choice as well, even when it looks like they’re being left. In releasing the relationship with unconditional love, you give the other person permission to love and leave as well.

Second, trust yourself, listen to your heart, and use your expanded conscious awareness to guide you.

Reflect on the purposes for which the relationship was cocreated and how the needs of the partners may have changed. Consider the fact that some relationships can remain intact as partners grow, while others need to be dissolved because the partners must follow their own hearts. Also recognize that relationships can be appreciated as invaluable personal experiences even if they ultimately need to be terminated.

Third, choose a safe and neutral place to communicate your desire to end the relationship as clearly and honestly as possible.

Be prepared for angry or hurt reactions from the other person. Take responsibility for your choices and refrain from blaming or judging the other person so you don’t fall into the pattern of right versus wrong. Treat yourself and the other person with utmost care and kindness as you work to dissolve the relationship so the experience of it will serve you in a beneficial way as you initiate future relationships in your life.

When a face-to-face conversation with the other person might result in too much conflict, first write a letter or e-mail to ensure clear and honest communication. Express your point of view with “I” statements and accept the other person’s perspective without blame or judgment. Then, when you feel ready to talk in person, speak in a loving tone of voice, allow uninterrupted time for each of you to express your views, and immediately stop any conversation that leads to bickering or blaming.

Fourth, allow sufficient time for each partner’s adjustment to any changes that result from dissolution of the relationship.

Do not presume that the other person is as prepared as you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Decide on a reasonable time line for resolving business, such as sorting personal belongings or joint properties, negotiating living space, rearranging finances, and untangling family ties and mutual friendships.

Fifth, bless the relationship as you release it, transcending any negativity about the other person or the relationship.

One way to do this is to invoke unconditional love and to visualize enveloping the other person with love and light energy. Acknowledge love for your own being, the being of the other person, and the connection shared, while releasing the physical bonds of the relationship. You can use the phrase “Bless and release” as a mantra or prayer to clear your body and mind so that spirit will guide you to let go and open to new possibilities. All the while, trust yourself and your connection to source, acknowledge the reasons you came together in the first place, and honor the purpose the relationship has served. Such an energetic completion allows you to appreciate the other person and simultaneously sustain a relationship with your true self. The intention to bless and release the relationship opens space for both people to transform their lives.

A good tool to use in blessing and releasing a relationship with unconditional love and integrity is a ritual. This worked well for my client Claire. Although she had broken off her relationship with Jack, I encouraged her to tie up loose ends of their partnership by eliminating her pattern of caretaking and shifting her creative energies to caring for herself. To let go of her pattern of caretaking, she stopped answering his abusive calls in the middle of the night, deleted his phone number from her speed dial, and removed his possessions from her apartment. She decided if he wanted closure he would have to arrange an appropriate time and place to meet with her.

Claire then completed the relationship by designing a ritual of release. A few months after breaking up with Jack, she traveled solo to Mexico, aware that she had to face her fear of being alone. Once Claire had enjoyed a few days at the beach, her heart told her it was time to put the past behind her. The next morning, she headed for the beach, walking down a rocky path lined with lilac and sage bushes that filled the air with heavenly scents. At the beach, she dug a hole big enough to bury her experiences of loss associated with every relationship in her life.

Next she read aloud the eulogy she had written: “My dear Jack, you gave me the opportunity to witness and love myself. You believed in me and truly loved me—thank you. I will always remember your unique spirit and am grateful for knowing you and the time together. I bless and release you from my life.” Then she placed sprigs of sage she had picked on his picture, laid it and the eulogy in the hole, and covered them with sand. Finally, she placed a stone on top of the makeshift grave.

For the first time since she had left the relationship, she felt at peace. She also knew that she was not alone but in touch with her true being and connected to her source, which had always been there. By not settling for an unfulfilling relationship, she opened herself to the possibility of cocreating a fulfilling one with someone else in the future.

Blessing and releasing unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships unleashes a flow of energy through the heart. This energetic validation of partnership with ourselves manifests soul-hearted partnerships with others in the future.

Releasing patterns and unresolved grievances frees us to discover and support our true being. Then, listening to the voice of spirit through the heart, we are guided to see that we are responsible for co-creating our own reality, and we make more discerning choices for a more fulfilling life.

Excerpt from Soul-Hearted Partnership: Creating the Ultimate Experience of Love, Passion, and Intimacy by Dr. Debra L. Reble and published with permission.

About the author

Dr. Debra L. Reble

Dr. Debra L. Reble is a licensed psychologist with expertise in the areas of individual and relationship counseling. She earned her doctorate in 1993 at Kent State University where she also taught courses in their school psychology program.

As a therapeutic intuitive, Debra also specializes in energetic healing, meditation, and guides people on their pathway toward personal transformation. She also serves as a life/spiritual coach providing information and supporting people through their life transitions. Her valuable insights and ability to assess and help people to release behavioral patterns and energetic blocks brings an enlightened perspective to human processes. Additionally, Debra focuses her energy through the heart center to nurture, embrace, and assist people in realizing their fullest potential.

To know more about Debra, visit her website