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January 13, 2015

How To Get Over Your Ex

# 1. Follow the advice below

Dr. Randi Gunther

Falling in love is easy. Sustaining it over time is a combination of skill, courage, and luck. Many intimate partners, regardless of how much they cared for each other at the beginning of the relationship, lose interest as discovery declines. What may have felt like the most incredible attraction and connection early in the relationship can become a predictable and less fascinating experience as time goes by.

It is terribly sad when one partner loves more deeply than the other, or still is in to the relationship when the other is over it. Often that occurs when either cannot be authentic from the beginning and doesn’t let the other know when things aren’t working. When a new couple is willing to talk openly about what each partner wants and honestly share what they bring to the relationship, there is less chance that the ending will be unforeseen or a surprise.

Being left behind is a painful enough experience when the other partner disconnects unexpectedly. But even when there is wonderful communication and mutual respect, one person can be done with the relationship whiled the other still would like to continue. The one leaving has to deal with guilt, discomfort, and the need to disconnect, but the one left behind must deal with the grief of irresolvable loss.

If a relationship is truly over, the way the grieving partner responds will set the stage for better relationships in the future. More than likely, she will fall back upon how she’s dealt with irrevocable losses in the past. People can run the gamut from pathological grief that lasts for months with no apparent capacity to heal, to facing what is in front of them with courage and commitment and letting the past be revered for the lessons learned. That capability has a lot to do with the support network that surrounds them and the options they have for the future. For instance, someone who has been in a relationship for years, did not see the end coming, has been replaced by another, and hasn’t nurtured close relationships with others will be much more immobilized when she is now alone. Another, feeling confident and proud of herself as a person, who realizes well in advance that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, likes who she’s been in it, and feels highly marketable in the dating world, is going to take the hit much better.

Most importantly, the way a person describes her last, lost love to a new prospective person is crucial in terms of the way she is valued. Telling a new date how terrible her last relationship ended should be a warning sign to the next person. No one wants to make up for someone else’s mistake unless they are looking to “rescue” which is just another way of using someone’s past heartbreak for an easy entrance. Rescuers tend to need a lot of appreciation and are usually not good choices for a person who is just coming out of a lost relationship.

One of the most important qualities of a human being is to be able to love more deeply after loss. Unfortunately, that’s not usually the case. It is all too common for people who have been hurt to be more careful, take fewer risks, and endlessly test their new partners. That choice will make each succeeding relationship less likely to blossom into one that will be successful. Aiming for that transformation while grieving is difficult but incredibly rewarding.

Dr. Randi Gunther,

# 2. Take stock of the ways you need to improve your self-attunement and self-nurturing


In the aftermath of a painful breakup, it is important to remember that your feelings of love for your ex are real, they are valid and they honor the love that you felt for each other. Although your relationship with that person may not have worked out, it doesn’t mean that this bond wasn’t (and isnt still) an important part of your timeline. Loving someone is never a bad thing and it doesn’t make you weak or stupid for still feeling that love, which also involves grief and longing for what you had together.

However, moving on requires you to re-partition your energy away from that old relationship and toward the building of new and fulfilling bonds with other people. Also, being single can be a great way to forge a stronger relationship with yourself. If you are finding yourself still ‘hung up’ on an old relationship, that can be an indication that your connection with yourself needs attention.

Find value in your time being single because the more you reflect upon your own needs and understand yourself, the better you will be able to find the next person who is going to meet those needs in a way that your ex didn’t. Don’t strain against your bereavement, because this will drain your ability to mobilize yourself toward achieving the next phase of your timeline. Take stock of the ways you need to improve your self-attunement and self-nurturing. Reflect on what didn’t work in your past relationship and use this information as a guideline for the type of romance you plan to create next. The degree to which you miss your ex shows a level of emotional commitment and passionate engagement that is really a gift.

Although clearly some adjustments need to be made in your future relationships, it is this ability to bond that will ultimately create a very meaningful and enriching love life when you finally find the person who fits your needs.

Brett McDonald, M.S., LMHC –

# 3. Follow the 4 tips below


1. Work through your anger, disappointment, fears, distrust and disillusionment. In other words, either get professional help or talk to a trusted friend. Understand that all relationships teach a valuable lesson – they show you what you want and what you don’t want. Either way, you have learned something that should make your next relationship better and more fulfilling than the last.

2. Keep yourself busy and involved in life. Brooding over a past love serves you no purpose other than keeping you “stuck.” How can you move on if you can’t get him out of your mind or out of your heart? No one wants to be second fiddle to your past memories. So, develop yourself as a single person who is interesting, purposeful and excited about what lies ahead. People are attracted to those who have energy and are vibrant. Be that person!

3. Don’t sit home waiting for the phone to ring, but explore new avenues to meet people. If you never took a cooking class and have always wanted to, give it a try now. If you enjoy book readings, check out your local bookstore. If music is your thing, go to concerts, recitals or learn to play the guitar. The more you are “out there,” the more people you will meet and the more opportunities you will have to meet a like-minded person.

4. Ask friends and relatives if they know of eligible men because dating is important when you are getting over an ex. You want to have fun and be fun, honing your skills to be a charming and interesting date. Blind dates are good distractions — and who knows, Mr. Right may just be one of them.

Getting over a relationship is not always easy, but it is necessary. Otherwise, you will never give yourself a chance to meet a nice guy who is perfect for you. Take the perspective that someone better is out there for you, so the past stays where it belongs – and that is out of your present life.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC –

# 4. Follow the 5 tips below


“The amount of happiness that you have, depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Even though it is incredibly painful and difficult to come to terms with a relationship breakup, your ex may be an ex for a good reason. Sometimes we hang onto someone because of familiarity, comfort, children, finances etc. Yes, you love the guy, but, with hindsight, maybe some of his behaviour wasn’t so great. It is heart breaking though, doubly so, if he left suddenly without discussing it or you have been together a long time. It may mean though, that things weren’t working or talked through and resolved. It’s scary feeling hurt, vulnerable and being on your own again. So how to get over your ex and rebuild your life?

1. Obsessive thinking or blaming yourself or him, or believing that he will come back will just trap you in misery. It’s normal to feel distressed and upset as you are grieving a loss. Break-up’s can really break your heart and accepting it is finished and dealing with your hurt needs time, support and healing. Talk it through with friends, cry and be angry. This is all very normal. See an experienced therapist if you start to feel depressed for and can’t get on with your life.

2. Don’t keep looking for him on social media. It can be a constant reminder that he’s ‘out there’ without you and can prevent you from healing. Delete his number from your phone so even when you are tempted to contact him, you can’t. Stop dreaming that if only he talks with you, everything will be the same again. Think how much worse you will feel if he doesn’t take your call, or doesn’t ever want to have contact with you again. So don’t have contact with him or his friends, at least until you are ‘over him.’

3. Some people throw themselves into dating or a new relationship straight away, but the phrase, ‘it rarely works when you are on the rebound’ is true. If it helps you feel better and your behaviour isn’t self-destructive, it’s up to you. However being able to acknowledge and deal with your painful feelings is part of regaining yourself and your future.

4. Start changing your routine a little bit and do some new things and go to new places. Going on holiday with a friend can help you have a new attitude and way of thinking. Enjoy your new freedom and follow your own interests now.

5. Let go of any regrets and love yourself as much as you loved him. Find ways you can connect with yourself rather than viewing yourself as ‘only ok’ if you are in a couple. Focus on the positives and what you’ve learned.

So instead of holding on, let go and your life will change for the better. Realize that everything changes and that you will fall in love again with someone who is your true life partner.

Sherry Marshall, BSc, MAA –

# 5. Follow the 13 steps below


As women, we tend to believe that we have the ability to fix problems, situations, and even people. Many times if a relationship fails, women believe it is their fault as opposed to accepting and moving forward.

Our past relationships are in the past for specific reasons: whether it be our exes inability to commit, his wondering eyes, manipulative ways, controlling behavior, extreme jealousy, or other unhealthy factors which played into the reason to split.

1. The first step in moving past a breakup is having confidence in your decision-making and trusting the process of how your life is meant to unfold.

2. Stop fantasizing over what could have been.

3. Reconnect with yourself and rebuild the relationship you have with yourself.

4. We tend to lose pieces of ourselves while in a relationship.

5. It is essential and vital to reconnect with the intuitive, creative, and resilient part of yourself.

6. Work on integrating the parts of yourself you lost while in your past relationship.

7. Take time to be alone, reevaluate your life, identify your values, and set your intentions for the future.

8. Engage in life. Get outside your small world and notice the needs of others.

9. Connect with and contribute to your community.

10. You are in the process of becoming.

11. Trust in your own personal development as you grow and evolve.

12. The new you will naturally attract others.

13. When you focus on evolving and you will be a magnet everywhere you go.

Brooke Campbell, M.A., RDT-BCT, LCAT

# 6. Clearly knowing your essentials, negotiables and deal-breakers can help you heal

Lyndsey Fraser

One way to get over an ex-boyfriend is to understand exactly what it is you would like in an ideal partner. To do this I want you to create an ideal partner list. On this list there are three categories: essential, negotiable, and avoid at all costs.

Here is an example of a short list below:

Balance of power
Physically affectionate
Wants children
More time together than separate

Likes traveling
College degree
Close to family
Future goals

Avoid at all costs
Physically abusive
Sexually forceful
Abuses alcohol/drugs
Untreated mental issues

Do you notice that your ex-partner is missing some of the essentials? Is it possible that your ex-partner was not a good fit? It is really difficult to recognize the things that are missing in a relationship after it has ended; instead you focus on the aspects of the relationship that did meet your ideals. By creating this list it helps you clarify what it is you want in a partner. When we have clarity is brings awareness to the reality of the past relationship. This then takes us out of the past and into the future. Not only does it point out what your ex-partner did not have but it also magnifies what to look for in a future partner so you can pick the right fit!

Lyndsey Fraser, MA, LMFT –

# 7. Follow the 2 tips below

Mara Fisher

It may seem impossible in the beginning, but you can find peace from the pain of a break up. Getting over your ex certainly depends upon the level of intimacy between the two of you as well as the amount of time you have spent together.

Many people have a challenge letting go of many things—not just their ex’s. As such, letting go of a person is even more difficult; just imagine how hard it is to clean out your closet and give away an outfit you have not worn recently. Now consider if that outfit represents your emotional attachment to your ex; how very hard it can be to let go of your feelings towards them?

Our identity may be connected to our past relationship and if it is, than letting go will create a sense of ‘loss of self’, bringing sadness as well as loneliness, making it even more challenging to manage our emotions. Even if it was a bad relationship or the person we were in that relationship with wasn’t right for us, it’s still hard to shake.

Here are a couple concrete tips that I have found to be very effective for my clients, friends and self:

1. Focus upon what you did not like about them rather than idealizing what you miss about them.
Often out of loneliness people idealize what they miss about their ex’s. Instead think of the things that made you decide to break up, or brought the relationship to its foreseeable demise.

Now be aware, at that point you knew that you deserved better. This is still true even though you are hurting. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and know that you can and will heal if you let your self let go and move on, striving for a happier, more fulfilled personal existence, with or without a partner.

2. Next, write a list of more than 10 and up to 50 traits that you really did not like about your ex.

Whenever you think of the person and feel lonely, bring to mind at least 10 of the 50 undesirable traits and shift your focus to them.

It is also best to keep busy, hobbies, movies, reading, socializing. Being active can really help too, skiing, going to the beach or park, making a snow person, playing tennis, golf etc.

By being proactive and shifting your focus you will be allowing yourself to let go and to heal any wounds that are keeping you emotionally attached to your ex. You’ll find that you’re able to feel whole within yourself, which will make the pain lessen over time. That self-sufficiency will also make you a more attractive candidate to better suitors down the road.

Mara Fisher, L.C.S.W., M.C.C. –

# 8. Follow the 5 tips below


Break-ups can be a terribly painful experience. It doesn’t matter who ended things or why, because it doesn’t change the fact that you invested yourself in your partner. You poured your time and emotional energy into the relationship, and you were vulnerable enough to trust that person. Getting over him most likely seems impossible. While it will be difficult, the five tips below can get you started:

1. Cut off all communication. It doesn’t matter how amicable your breakup was. You cannot heal from a breakup if you are still talking to the person every day. Give yourself (and them!) some space.

2. Commit to it. You need to believe that it’s really over. This doesn’t mean that you need to hate your ex, but you do need to constantly remind yourself that things ended for certain and that those reasons are valid.

3. Take up a new hobby or get back into an old one. Nothing works quite like distraction. Think about what you liked to do before this relationship. Was it painting? Cooking? Working out? If you didn’t have one, find one—preferably one that gets you outside or engages your brain in creative thinking.

4. Volunteer. Find a cause that interests you and then seek out a place where you can make a difference. Helping someone or something else will help take your mind off of your own pain and give you a sense of purpose.

5. Talk to someone you trust. Distracting yourself with new hobbies and volunteering is a great start. However, there will be moments when you’ll be sad, frustrated, lonely, and maybe even angry. During those times, call a trusted friend to talk things over. If possible, seek out someone who will be sympathetic and caring while still realistic about the situation.

Remember, getting over the end of any relationship takes time and effort. It will be painful at times. However, with the right mindset and support system, you’ll be well on your way to recovery before you know it.

Sarah Hofer, MA –

# 9. Follow the 5 steps below

Amanda Patterson

Having a break-up is an emotional time in your life. There can be unanswered questions and lingering feelings. There can be mixed emotions of relief, anger, sadness or happiness. How to get over an ex is not going to be a singular and linear path. It is going to be a process; however here are several suggestions for you to do in order to deepen that healing process.

1. Cut off all communication with your ex

Depending on your situation and your personality, it is going to be increasingly difficult to get over your ex with having contact. If you maintain contact with them, you will not be able to heal, especially if there is any drama or lingering feelings. By shutting off all communication with your ex, you are letting your mind and heart know that the relationship is over and it is time to move on. By maintaining contact, you are potentially confusing yourself, your heart, your mind and the other person. Are you still in contact with your ex and how does that make you feel?

2. Conduct a purge of your house

When two people have a life together, they are going to accumulate things. It’s time to take down the pictures and put away his favorite t-shirt that is still at your house. It’s time to remove the funny quotes from your refrigerator that he put up there. This is an important step that will help bring closure to the circumstance.

3. Write a good-bye letter

Writing a good-bye letter is a very cathartic experience when it comes to loss. Get out paper and pen and write your feelings and your thoughts out. Put it all down on paper and then rip up the letter or burn it. Do something symbolic with the letter that shows you are letting go. What do you want to say to your ex in your letter?

4. Conduct a ritual to release the relationship

A wonderful recommendation is to visit some of the places you went together and say something you are grateful for about the relationship. You can go to the spot of your first date and just feel your emotions. This is another symbolic exercise to do in order to move through your grief to a place of acceptance. Sometimes people want to forget about the relationship, but going through it and feeling your feelings will help you through your break-up process.
Take time to evaluate what happened in the relationship

5. Take some time, in the way that you process things, to evaluate the relationship

What went right in the relationship and what went wrong? How can you get your needs met in your next relationship? What did you learn from this relationship? Get your journal out and reflect, as a means to take the relationship and break-up as a learning experience.

Amanda Patterson, LMHC –

# 10. Follow the FOCUS technique

Dr. Kirsten Person-Ramey

Getting over an ex can be a difficult task. In the midst of a break-up, rather than reflecting on all of the qualities that inherently made him “Mr. Wrong,” women tend to reminisce about the family dinners, the amazing dates, and of course….the intimacy. While I don’t subscribe to the theory that women should hold on to all of the negative aspects of a relationship in order to get over it (because I believe that eventually acts as the soil to grow bitterness), I do believe that women must work hard to F.O.C.U.S.

In the grad school courses that I teach, I introduce every class with the simple phrase, “Know Thyself.” This is the basis for my F.O.C.U.S. technique for getting over an ex. By reflecting on self, this shifts the process of letting go from the ex, to the newly empowered woman. Follow these 5 steps to get over an ex:

F- Forgiveness of self. After a relationship has ended, often women emotionally “beat themselves up” about the choices that they’ve made and the power that they have somehow given away to an undeserving man. The truth is, I have found that while we are engaged within our various unions, we honestly believe that we are making the best choices that we can (at the time). Forgiving ourselves allows us the freedom to move beyond the shame of poor choices. We may as well face it, we are human and it’s hard to be objective when you are swimming in the deep oceans of love and intimacy.

O- Own it. We all have at least one relationship that makes us cringe when we think about it. Even as a psychotherapist, I can think of 2! When we own our relationship experiences-whether good or bad, it gives us the power to move beyond past successes and failures to learn and grown. By owning one’s part in the relationship, it empowers women to choose love again. The step takes away the excuse that because I was hurt before, I can’t love again. Women can make powerful relationship decisions by realizing that they are capable of doing so.

C- Consider the possibilities. When women consider the ultimate outcome of a break up, the are able to clearly see that there is an alternative to perpetual grief surrounding the relationship….they can love again! This step is a natural transition from “owning it.” Notice I didn’t say “act on the possibilities,” and quickly jump to the next man. This step is all about self reflection. It’s the meat and potatoes of knowing thyself. I have had women tell me that learning a hobby, time with loved ones, and even exercise was important here in order to prepare to receive love (in due time).

U- Understand that letting go is a process. Unless you are simply getting over a weekend fling, it takes time and patience to get over an ex. Some days will be easier than others and the more sensory aligned a woman was with her ex, this can get tricky. You see, our brains store and remember information. I can’t begin to explain the irony of every song on the radio or the smell of every restaurant being a vivid reminder of an ex. These times will be difficult when there have been many positive shared moments, but once again, that information should be used to help women self reflect.

S- Self care. Women have to take care of their own delicate feelings during a break-up. The most important tip for getting over an ex is part of this step (which should find it’s way throughout the entire process). Do NOT sleep with him. Although people have attempted to justify this move for the longest, while it may be comforting to sleep with an ex, it is unlikely to aid you in leaving him in the past. How can you when he is part of your present? I get the most resistance here. It never surprises me….

Dr. Kirsten Person-Ramey,

# 11. Take care of YOU

Kimberly Atwood

Please take the time to recognize that getting over a past relationship is one of life’s biggest challenges. Ending romantic relationships is just plain difficult – for everyone! Also know, that all the suggestions given here are much easier said than done.

Try to be patient and kind to yourself during this incredibly stressful and emotional time. Allow yourself to cry when you want to cry, get angry when you’re feeling angry, and everything in between.

Try to BE with the emotional roller-coaster of it all, even when it is painful and difficult. You do not really need to DO anything during this time. It is more about being with your emotions and your self and others. Many people suggest staying busy after a breakup, but I take a different stance. I say, honor your feelings. You don’t need to wallow in self-pity, but you do need to honor how you’re feeling and give yourself credit because it is a hard time. Otherwise, you’re simply busying yourself as a form of numbing out. Finding a healthy balance of honoring your emotional stuff, while also distracting yourself from all the turmoil through socializing (real time with real people, not social media) or picking up a new/old hobby is key.

Do not isolate yourself. Take this time to cultivate and rekindle past loving friendships for comfort. Take advantage of the advantages – you now have time to get in touch with friends that you haven’t seen much lately. Go out and do your best to have fun! Also, talk to your friends about your feelings. Research shows the putting feelings into words and naming your emotions makes them less intense and helps take some of the sting out.

Cut all ties – completely! Make sure you’re not still following your ex- on Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media. This may seem like a small glimpse into your ex’s life, but it is really holding you back from moving forward. It is keeping you stuck. Do you really want to see pictures of him having fun? Let’s be honest, that’s all you’re going to be seeing because that’s what people post – the positive stuff.

Give yourself time! Time really does heal when it comes to getting over exes. These are just a few ideas. There are many more that you can add on your own, I’m sure. Mainly, take care of YOU!

Kimberly Atwood, MA, LPC, LMHC, LCAT –

# 12. Take care of YOU

Judith Fujimura

This is one of the hardest things to do, regardless of whether you were the one who ended the relationship. When your partner initiated the breakup, the feelings of rejection that follow can be paralyzing. Allow yourself a grieving period, and don’t expect yourself to take on big challenges in your work life while you’re trying to grieve. If you initiated the breakup, allow yourself to have mixed feelings. You might deeply miss your ex, but still feel guilty, even if you feel that the breakup was the right thing at the right time.

Spend time around your most loyal friends and family members, and listen to their kind words of encouragement instead of any negative messages you might be giving yourself at this time. When you catch yourself putting yourself down, remind yourself of something that is good and true. Remember, there was something wrong with the relationship, but not with you as a person.

Just like when someone dies, and their loved ones can’t let go until they have properly grieved, you need to grieve for a length of time that feels right for you. Then it’s time to start letting the relationship go, a little bit every day. If you can’t stop mentally reviewing what went wrong, and you still ponder scenarios for how to get back together, then you’re still taking care of a relationship that isn’t there any more. Your focus needs to be on your own healing right now. Take care of yourself, not a relationship that doesn’t exist any more. As you begin to feel more like yourself again, you will be able to see new possibilities for your future, that matter more to you than rehashing what went wrong in your past relationship. That’s when you know that you’re over your ex.

Judith Fujimura, M.A. –

# 13. Follow the advice below


There are so many circumstances that lead one to being an “ex”. Whatever the circumstances, it’s really important that you are sufficiently over the last relationship before starting another one. Otherwise you won’t be present, and the new relationship will probably not make it. I think most people know this, but still often rush the process as a way to feel less pain. It never works, and it’s not fair to your new partner or to you.

When you have been the one to end a relationship, it’s usually much easier to get over it. You have probably been unhappy for some time and had begun the process of distancing yourself. You are ready to move on. If however you are leaving angry, you need to resolve those feelings or they will very likely get projected onto your next partner.

If you were left, the situation is more traumatic. There is the loss of the partner, the loss of those qualities that made the relationship important to you, and probably a painful blow to your ego that must be dealt with. It’s particularly hard if you weren’t expecting it. Losing a relationship, whether or not it was your choice, can result in a loss of confidence in your ability to pick the right partner. You may even wonder if you are good relationship material.

Sometimes people hang on to a relationship even with the clear message that it is over. Constantly checking Facebook, sending emails and texts, “drive-bys” are futile and ultimately self-destructive behaviors that delay the ability to let go and move on. I do think it’s important to understand what went wrong in a relationship. Understanding can lead to better choices in the future. You will probably want his input, but it’s important to remember that his input is subjective. Ultimately what’s most important is understanding your own relationship dynamics. Talking to a therapist can be very helpful.

It takes time to get over a relationship. Try to allow yourself the time you need before moving forward. Failed relationships have a lot to teach us about ourselves. There are no shortcuts, but it’s a process that’s too important to avoid.

Sally Leboy, MS, MFT –

# 14. It is easier to move past a broken relationship when we have a solid sense of self

Sharón Lynn Wyeth

One of the hardest things when attempting to get over a relationship with an ex is combating the belief that your efforts to experience and express love were somehow wasted or insignificant. This can cause us to temporarily have low self-esteem or even some self-loathing. It is easier to move past a broken relationship when we have a solid sense of self, as then we understand that when love is present, a relationship is appropriate and when appreciation for the other terminates, then the relationship has run its coarse. In this life, we get to appreciate those around us for as long as they are in our world with no expectations as to how long that will be.

Love is the key to everything per every major religion. It is wise to love every aspect of your life regardless of whether it is deemed pleasant or unpleasant, as every experience brings you a deeper understanding of life. That is, every experience brings you additional knowledge about yourself if you take the time to really examine the experience and discover the beliefs that you hold that contributed to this experience.

Real love is not based on power, sex, or the need to feel loved. Real love is the appreciation of oneself and thus all others. Are you willing to stop feeding your issues, beliefs, memories and interpretations, as well as your concepts, or whatever else holds you in bondage as this leads to victim mentality and therefore the recreation of the same lesson again. Remember, that which we bring to us in experiences are those things that are pleading to be seen clearly and understood.

When we can change our viewpoint to appreciating, and laughing, at the mistakes we have made, instead of judging us for them then we grow, learn and progress. These added understandings allow us to bring into our worlds people that also have emotionally matured. Dating is like living in different houses. We are not normally picky about the first house where we live. Then we realize the closets are too small. So, the next house we make sure the closets are larger. However, we notice that the heater doesn’t work well. So the next house we make sure the closets are large and the heater works. Each time we move, we get more selective until we find just the right house for us. Consider dating is the same. We realize what we enjoy about each person we date and how he invites us to feel. We are then more selective the next time around until we find that person that we so enjoy that we easily stay focused on their positive attributes, and thus have a more successful and enjoyable relationship.

Sharón Lynn Wyeth, BS –

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