How To Overcome Scarcity Mentality in Dating - How To Win a Man's Heart

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March 26, 2015

How To Overcome Scarcity Mentality in Dating

# 1. Change Your belief system

Sharón Lynn Wyeth

We manifest our beliefs and attract that which we fear to us so that we can have the experience, and no longer be afraid. When we believe that there are not enough quality men out there to date; then we don’t attract quality men. When we fear, not getting a good man, then we won’t get a good man. The truth is that there are just as many good men out there as there are good women. They have the same problems, finding good women that women have finding good men. So, how do we change that? First, we must change our belief. Thus we open the door to meeting good men as we eliminate the vibration that surrounds us that says that men are no good.

Secondly, we must decide what it is that we love to do. What makes us happy? Then go do the things that make you happy. Radiate happiness. Good people are attracted to happy people. Good people are attracted to people who are living their lives to the fullest. Fun, happy people are magnets for both sexes. Go have fun. Play again. This includes getting out of the house and being actively engaged in a hobby. We cannot expect someone to come knocking on our doors. So, don’t be a homebody.

Lastly, be willing to take a risk. Be available. Turn your taxi light on. Men love to be useful and feel needed. Be vulnerable. So often, women of age have learned to be so self-sufficient that they project the picture of not needing anyone. Men wish to be needed. Ask for assistance. Help the men around you feel important and valuable in your life.

Being friendly, vulnerable and happy is an unbeatable combination. You will have so many men after you that you’ll be asking, “How do I turn men away without hurting their feelings?”

Sharón Lynn Wyeth, BS – www.knowthename.com

# 2. Follow the 4 tips below

Deborah Cox

Julie had a commitment problem. She wanted to settle down and have a family. But when she got serious with Brad, the guy she’d secretly loved for years, she felt suddenly surrounded by cute, eligible bachelors. She said, “Maybe I can do better.”

Julie had a case of statistical thinking. She got overwhelmed with anxiety as soon as her relationship moved toward permanency. Then all sorts of people looked appealing.

Anxiety drives statistical thinking – the evil twin of scarcity thinking. One says, “Don’t miss out!” The other says, “There’s not enough love to go around.” Both extremes cause you think of love in terms of numbers. And both completely miss the point.

Love happens at the right time, between the right people. Every minute, some new romance lights up a spot the globe.

Remember when you couldn’t decide which shoes to buy, because five different pair looked so darling? That’s what abundance feels like.

Try these simple tools to cultivate an abundance mind.

1. Give thanks. Make a list of 50 things you’re thankful for. Notice the tree outside your window, the neighbor who feeds your cat when you’re out of town, the variety of leftovers in your fridge.

2. Go to an art gallery. See what original things people make. Read about the artists.

3. Remember when you met a lover or partner for the first time. Remember the pleasant surprise of it. Allow yourself to recall every detail of that first encounter.

4. Notice the universe takes care of you. It brings you air, water, food, and friends. It brings the right challenges, so you can learn – all in just the right timing and sequence.

Your person waits out there – for the exact right time. Nobody, no matter how charming, can replace your significant person because nobody else can be that person. When you find that person (it just takes one), you know it. In your heart, your gut, and your dreams.

In the meantime, you meet all kinds of people who are not that one person. They don’t look right, sound right, or smell right. Until this one . . . who has flaws, of course . . . but is so right, he takes your breath away.

Dr. Deborah Cox – www.deborahlcox.com

# 3. Feel good about yourself, confident and interested in your own life

Sherry-Marshall

“The scarcity mentality cares what other people have, while the abundance mentality doesn’t.”

I have heard many times from women in their 20’s up to their 70’s ask; “are there really any good men left out there? Have they all been taken.” I also know women who have got married in all these age groups. So what is really true?

There is some truth that as you move into your mid to late 30’s, some men will already have partners. However, women’s magazines will have you believing there really is no-one left. Not true. What also counts is your attitude. Your mentality and belief systems do affect whether you meet someone or not, though if it’s not happening, there could be some reasons for that like where you live, if there are only couples in your social group, if you are socially anxious etc. It’s about creating balance. If you continuously tell yourself you will never meet someone, chances are you won’t as it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Take a long honest look at what sort of man you are attracted to. If you feel desperate and needy or are attracted to ‘players’ or think that nice men are ‘beige’ and boring, you may miss out on some great guys that are available. Also check whether you are only attracted to ‘unavailable men.’ Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s the fastest way to make yourself feel miserable.

Don’t focus on the fact you are single and not worthwhile if you don’t have a partner. Be aware of your negative thoughts and actively change and transform them into what you value in your life. Replace them with what you can and will do right now. Accept things as they are right now and start every day as a new beginning, full of fresh possibilities.

Watch if you tend to catastrophize or criticise yourself a lot eg. ‘Even if I met someone, he wouldn’t like me when he really got to know me.’ Fall in love with yourself and your own life and develop gratitude for what you have.

The key is to feel good about yourself, confident and interested in your own life. A sense of personal worth, security and genuinely being happy for other’s good fortune, opens up joy and creativity for yourself. Many men have told me that what attracted them to their partner was a great smile, laugh and that they were having a good time.

If your work, friends and interests are not fulfilling you, look at what you would really like to happen in your life. Then move towards it, step by step. You may need to seek out a new crowd and a new social environment. Think about changing the way you spend your free time.

Notice the word, scarcity actually is scar city. Don’t let difficult experiences with some men scar you for life. The happier you are when you are single, paradoxically, the more chance you will have to meet someone you like and who likes you.

Sherry Marshall, BSc, MAA – www.sydneyprocesscounselling.com.au

# 4. Follow the 7 tips below

Amanda Patterson

There is a movement going on in the world, through self-help avenues, surrounding the topic of scarcity. People want to know how to move from living in a scarcity mindset into one of abundance. There are many different forms this movement has taken on but the bottom line is it stems from the law of attraction principle. Like attracts like and what you give out and what you put your attention to will grow and multiple. If you tend to see the glass as half full, the glasses you are given will be half full. Moving to an abundant mindset is about knowing the glass is full all of the time and expecting it to continue to be full and being grateful no matter no matter what.

Moving your mind frame will require you to make some shifts in your thinking. Here is a list of things you can do in order to shift from lack to abundance:

1. Look for signs that your life is already abundant

2. Make a list of things in your life that you are grateful for

3. Evaluate how things you thought were negative actually turned out to be positive

4. Meditate on the abundance principle

5. Journal about where your sense of scarcity comes from

6. Envision what your life would look like if you were living in abundance

7. Surround yourself around abundant people and situations

Working with a therapist to explore your belief systems and then working on changing any that have supported a life of scarcity will also be beneficial in making shifts in your life.

Amanda Patterson, LMHC – www.amandapattersonlmhc.com

# 5. Focus on being a “good one” yourself

Brett-McDonald

Pessimism tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, limiting one’s ability to see opportunity and have gratitude in life. We can become cynical and hopeless if we don’t strive to hold onto optimism and joy every day. Negative thoughts and perspectives have a way of infiltrating our interactions and approach to the world, and ultimately the dearth of possibilities that one expects is realized because a dark orientation will result in an alignment that leads to dark places. People can quickly pick up on whether you are a discouraged (and therefore discouraging), beaten down, victimized complainer, and they have a magical way of becoming gay, married or otherwise indisposed to dating. Quality men usually are looking for women who are energetic, empowered, positive and active in their happiness. If you believe all good men are taken, this may be a symptom of a larger orientation of pessimism growing inside of you.

Keep this in check and use self-discipline to not let your mindset stray into hopelessness. The best way that you can get the “good ones” to come out of the woodwork is to focus on being a “good one” yourself. An uplifting and bright countenance is very attractive. Your inner light will shine and eventually you will stop needing to find Mr. Wonderful because he will come find you.

Brett McDonald, M.S., LMHC – www.thedragonflyretreat.com

# 6. Stay open to the possibilities

Sally-Leboy

The thing about statistics is that they are numbers, not people. While dating can certainly be discouraging, as far as I can see it’s really the only game in town. Many people I know give up on the internet, having experienced their share of real losers.

On the other hand, I know several couples who have met through dating websites and are very happy.

I think if you want to meet someone you really do have to put yourself out there and stay open to the possibilities. There are good men and good women everywhere, and while the odds can be discouraging, odds are numbers not people.

If you want a relationship, you have to be willing to take the risk that you’ll kiss a few frogs. The silver lining in that is that if you pay attention to what it was about the guy that classified him as a frog, you’ll cut down on the number of frogs you’ll kiss going forward. You’ll learn and recognize them sooner.

Try to engage in the activities and experiences that make you happy. If you meet someone that way, you’ll have that in common. Also try to expand your criteria (you notice I don’t say lower your criteria). Maybe you could date a Republican; maybe there’s more to a man that his hairline.

Don’t pay attention to the doomsayers. Bitter people like company. Keep your glass half full and your eyes wide open. That way you’ll approach each new encounter with enthusiasm and wisdom. That’s a winning combination. Good luck!

Sally Leboy, MS, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

# 7. Follow the tips below

Amy-Sherman

Many women embrace the idea that “all the good men are already taken” because it protects them from the possibility of the rejection, disappointment, pain, or loss that can accompany the quest for love.

The truth is that there is no shortage of qualified, decent, worthwhile eligible partners out there. They are not, however likely to come knocking on your door without an invitation. And if your standards are such that you require your ideal mate to be perfect, be prepared to be disappointed (unless you’re perfect yourself).

But whether you live in Manhattan or in North Dakota, whether you’re 19 or 90, whether you’re a conservative or a liberal, whether you like country music or classical, there are people with whom it is possible to create true, lasting, and loving partnerships. What it takes is:

1. The willingness to risk involvement and emotional engagement.

2. The intention to BECOME the partner of your dreams, rather than just trying to FIND him.

3. The commitment to hang in there without getting discouraged even if you do end up having to kiss a few frogs

4. The ability to be selective about who you talk and listen to, and pay less attention to your nay-saying friends

5. A commitment to do your own work to become a more loving, authentic, and trustworthy person.

6. And the patience, trust and faith that make it possible to hang in there and enjoy the ride between now and the time that you get to invalidate this belief!

So if you are tired of making the same excuses over and over again, here are some things you can do to change your outlook and meet your Mr. Right:

– Step out of your comfort zone by going to new places to meet NEW people. Take up dance lessons, go bowling, attend lectures, learn the guitar, etc.

– Become more interesting by expanding your knowledge-base. Explore areas you never knew before, so your conversations are exciting and informative.

– Enjoy yourself, wherever you are, because laughter, fun and recreation are keys to keeping you upbeat, approachable and attractive.

– Don’t give up. He’s out there and you’ll meet him when you least expect it. So keep you heart open and your thoughts on your goal and your next date could be THE ONE!

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

# 8. Scarcity mentality can be a sign that a change is needed in your life

Rima Danielle Jomaa

Often times, we fall into a rut of going to the same places, seeing the same people, and doing the same things. We see the same unavailable men all the time and this becomes our truth. Our thoughts become our reality – It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s comforting to have routine, but it’s also good to switch things up and get some new energy flowing in life. If you want to find a good man, it’s important to look in places where healthy habits are implied, like the gym or a yoga class for example. We get used to going to bars to try to find men, or hoping the cute guy at the grocery store will bump into us, but it’s more about the intention of becoming part of a healthy community and forging new relationships there, both platonic and romantic. Many couples I know were introduced to one another through a mutual friend or acquaintance, so the more you get out there and show your shining qualities to a variety of people with similar hobbies, the more likely you are to attract quality mates your way.

Men themselves are looking for a good women and good men are attracted to confidence in a mate. Women exude confidence when they are taking care of themselves and making their well-being a priority. Men want women with healthy habits, so by taking care of yourself, you’re winning two fold. Rather than feeling alone or desperate, learn to find gratitude and abundance for the things in your life and commit to taking care of your mental and physical well-being, thereby making yourself an amazing catch. You will surely attract good men looking for a quality partner, rather than creating a reality for yourself in which all the good men are gone.

Rima Danielle Jomaa, MFT – www.costarima.com/Rima

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