How To Overcome Self Limiting Beliefs That Block Love - How To Win a Man's Heart

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February 18, 2016

How To Overcome Self Limiting Beliefs That Block Love

# 1. Follow the 5 tips below

Kristen Brown

This topic is near and dear to me as it is precisely the work I had to do to overcome my defeating beliefs about men after I suffered a doozy of a betrayal. I believe wholeheartedly we are incapable of attracting a healthy relationship until we do the self-work so necessary to position our energy to “attracting” rather than “deflecting”.

This work begins with locating the self-limiting beliefs swirling in our head and not only turning them around to something as true or truer, but wholeheartedly believing them.

Even though I had a plethora of unhealthy thoughts regarding myself and men, my heart still yearned for a healthy relationship. I set course to heal. Below is a list of the 5 steps I took that changed the trajectory of my path.

1. Recognize your defeating thoughts – What defeating messages are you repeatedly hearing in your mind? For me it was: No one will ever want me because I’ve been married twice. No one wants three children. I’m washed up and old. I’m not attractive. I’m flawed. And the list goes on. Take the time to go through your painful self-images and write them down.

When you’ve completed this task, take a deep breath and give yourself a high five. Awareness is key! You’ve done well, sister.

2. Ask yourself if these thoughts are true – Use your logic here, sisters. With 7 billion or so people in this world is it really true NO ONE will want you? Um, no. There is absolutely no logic attached to that crazy notion. There is no way you, a fabulous child of God, are singled out to be forever single. There is someone for everyone! Recognize, understand deeply and own that your limiting thoughts are ridiculous and untrue.

3. Ask God/Universe/Source to show you relationships that counter your current limiting beliefs – Open your mind to seeing and believing differently. For me, I began to seeing women my age (wrinkles and all haha) in loving relationships. I saw blended families smiling and enjoying life. I saw men taking on women with children and happily doing so. My beliefs were dead wrong. Every negative thought was challenged right before my eyes.

4. Accept the new awareness as truth – Awareness does us no good if we are not willing to change our perceptions for good. Doing the work, means doing the work.Accept the new awareness’ you’ve discovered and adopt them into your patterned way of thinking.

5. Catch your defeating thoughts as they arise – We are not finished having gone through steps 1- 4. This is where we really have to dedicate ourselves to our healing. Just because we have recognized a new truth, doesn’t mean our ego/mind is going to stop trying to sabotage us. When the thoughts arise, tell your ego you are not interested in what it is saying because you now know ______ to be true. Then state out loud or in your mind (depending if you want to look crazy in the grocery store or not) the new belief/perception.

For example: I am aware that there are millions (literally) of good men in the world. I am also aware that my ideal man is looking for me as I am looking for him. Use the new perceptions you have discovered. Retrain your mind. You will discover that your new perceptions will become your new normal!

The world/universe is comprised of energy. We cannot attract what we desire from the same level of thinking that we attracted what we did not desire. We must be willing to shift our perceptions and approach the world from a new set of eyes and a new/truer belief system. That is how we overcome our self-limiting beliefs and when our ideal mate will enter. I am living proof!

Kristen Brown, Author & Certified Empowerment Coach – www.kristenbrown.org

#2. Explore the root of your self-limiting belief

Robin Ennis

You are a prize, and if you look down deep inside, you will see what others realize. Have you ever noticed when a person truly believes in something, it is hard to change their mind? Well, that is because their way of thinking is ingrained in them, and they are the only ones who have the power to alter their thoughts. In actuality, a belief is a state of mind where a person is sure something is true, whether or not they have factual basis. Even if there is no evidence to support your notion, you still know it to be true.

We base our beliefs off of past and current experiences. But, what happens when those powerful beliefs turn into one’s of destruction? I mean those self-limiting beliefs that tear you down instead of building you up inside. I am… not attractive enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, not young enough. The list could go on, but you get the point. Look at those four statements, and see if anything stands out at you. The first thing I notice is the phrase, “I am not.” It is easy to be critical of ourselves; in fact, we are our own worst critic. However, depleting ourselves is not beneficial to anyone, so turn those thoughts around, and start thinking in terms of, I am… attractive, smart, the right weight, the right age. You define who you are no one else.

When you think negatively of yourself, you unintentionally bring that emotional baggage into your relationships, and what happens when you do this? You make another person pay the price for something that they had no part in doing. For example, a person can think you are the most beautiful person in the world, but if you don’t believe it, you are constantly shutting them down by rejecting their compliments. Overtime, the other person will give up and stop trying.

Stop the self-limiting thoughts in their tracks, so you will not project your feelings into the relationship. When you feel insecure, ask yourself, what is the self-limiting belief that is arising? Then, seek to understand where it is coming from. Is it something that your current partner said or did to make you feel this way? If they are the reason why you feel badly about yourself, then it is time to re-evaluate your relationship. No one deserves to be broken down, we are all worthy of love. Finally, ask yourself, how can I stop the self-limiting thoughts in their tracks? Remember, self-limiting beliefs subtract, rather than add to your life. You are worthy! You are worthy! You are worthy!!!

Robin Ennis, LMSW, CPC – www.prominentpathways.org

# 3. Follow the 5 tips below

Karen R. Koenig

Often it’s not what we know that hurts us, it’s what we don’t know, and this is especially true when it comes to beliefs about love. We may think we’re all for it, full steam ahead, then never seem to find the happiness we’re hoping for. If you strongly (even desperately) desire love, but repeatedly don’t find it, it’s time to examine your underlying beliefs about lovability, intimacy and a few other related issues.

The truth is that many people are anywhere from slightly to greatly ambivalent about love, depending on the kind of love and caring they received in their early lives. If in childhood, love was a mostly positive experience, your beliefs about it will likely be positive. However, if love was associated with painful experiences, you probably developed beliefs that tie emotional pain with love, causing you to have mixed feelings about romantic relationships.

Here are five beliefs you’ll want to pay attention to in the pursuit of love:

1. I am lovable/not lovable: If you felt loved and valued as a child, you probably assume that you have the qualities that elicit love in others. If you felt unloved and devalued, you may perceive yourself similarly. After all, you might reason, if my parents, who were supposed to love me, found me lacking, I must be defective.

2. I deserve/don’t deserve a lasting, loving relationship. If you’ve been ending up with partners who are unkind to you or you are rebuffed by the partners you’ve been choosing, I’d explore what you believe you deserve in life. After all, you end up with what you believe you deserve.

3. I can be imperfect and lovable/I need to be perfect to be lovable. If you’re afraid that you won’t measure up in the romance department until you’ve fixed every possible thing wrong about you, you’ll never find love. Think of love as two imperfect beings valuing each other in spite of their flaws.

4. Loving and being loved means interdependence/Love means giving up my independence. Humans are meant to be dependent and independent, contingent on circumstances. If you believe you need to give up being your own person and having your own space/interests/friends/opinions, you’re unlikely to find love.

5. I can chose a wrong partner and learn from my mistake/If I make the wrong love choice, I’m stuck with it. If you believe that there is one person and one person only who is right for you and you had better find him or her, you’re putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Better to believe that you can love many people and that finding and sustaining love is more art than science.

Go through your beliefs about love, worthiness, lovability, and intimacy and make sure they are 100% rational. If you find ones that aren’t, reframe them to become rational. Healthy beliefs breed healthy choices – and healthy loving relationships.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed – www.karenrkoenig.com

# 4. Follow the below exercise

Margaret Bell

The old adage is true, “how can you love someone else if you don’t love you?” And I can hear you saying, “Easy, I love lots of people and don’t feel that great about myself.” Really? Are you giving 100%? Or are you trying to fill a void? We often love others to receive love because often we feel deep down unworthy of love. Chances are on some level you are flawed causing you to feel unworthy of love. So you sell yourself short and settle. When you truly love and accept you, genuine love enters your life.

Feeling unworthy is common. Years of evidence piling up on why you are unworthy. Have you ever challenged the thoughts? Looked for evidence that you are worthy?

Start a worthy jar, decorate it every time you feel worthy write it down and put it in the jar, every compliment, smile, good feeling, positive feedback, all the good, warm stuff goes in here. If it gets full, scrapbook what you have and start over. Before no time you’ll be feeling worthy. Still struggling? Dig deep. We’re does your worthiness come from? What love and healing needs to given to that part of you? Forgiveness? If this feels like too much, too, heavy, too scary, reach out to a trusted friend or professional.

Feeling flawed?

That’s normal. But you want love, so time to challenge the notion that you are flawed. First, give yourself permission to be human. Your perceived flaws are part of what makes you unique. Let your freak flag fly. Ask yourself why do you think your flawed and how does it block love? Now flip it how does the same perceived flaw work as a gift and bring love?

Remember, love has nothing to do with being flawed or unworthy. Everyone is worthy of love!

Margaret Bell, MA, NCC – www.forwardkindheart.com

# 5. Do the opposite of what the myth is telling you

Lisa Bahar

It is important to accept reality of who you are, the stage of life you are in and the facts of life, not what you think are the facts, but the actual facts of life and the experience of love. Facts are non debatable, therefore “All good men are taken” may be perhaps your experience, but it is not a fact.

We tell ourselves myths based on experience, upbringing and what society conditions us to believe. Myths create our reality through action which strengthens the myth. This creates a vicious cycle, which ends up depriving us of what we want in life, including an experience of love. Therefore, the challenge is to do the opposite action of what the myth tells you to do.

An example, “I am too old to find love” may create actions such as, not taking chances to go out, not accepting a date, not joining online dating, not attending get togethers, etc.?

The opposite action would be to do the opposite of what the myth is telling you to do by practicing, over and over until you create a new experience which will out weigh the power of the myth and its intensity in your mind. As you do the opposite action, create a challenging myth for example, “I am at the perfect age to find love.”

The preparation is to have a plan to deal with what may feel like “rejection” as you practice doing the opposite of what your mind is telling you to do. Realize, the mind will be initially resistant to the idea of challenging its own myth and doing the action. Do it anyway. The additional piece is to engage a principle called Radical Acceptance, that you are willing to accept the reality that someone might feel YOU ARE too old for them, etc. hard part but essential and continue to practice. Remember, that may be just one person, but its not all men, just that man.

The goal is to accept reality, complete and total, realize the myth is something you feel is a fact, therefore, check the facts, start slow, with your practice, avoid over doing it, it may become emotion overload, create a self care plan, realize just because you do the opposite action, doesn’t mean you are going to get exactly what you want, but it loosens you up and creates the possibility that, if you are willing to try, you just might find and experience love.

Lisa Bahar, MA, LMFT – www.lcbahar.wix.com/lisa-bahar

# 6. Follow the 7 steps below

Margie-Ahern

“Rational beliefs bring us closer to getting good results in the real world.” – Albert Ellis

Do you know what keeps you from stepping out and finding your ideal partner? Chances are if you have been stuck in a hold pattern for awhile you are blocking the runway. It is time to look at your belief systems. Belief systems are strongly held irrational thoughts that we think are set in stone; thoughts like, “I’m not good enough, pretty enough, young enough, etc. to meet a special someone.” But here’s the good news, we make up all our thoughts – the good ones and not so good ones. The bad news is that we are experts at believing the negative ones. All thoughts can be transformed by following the steps below:

Step 1. Awareness: First you must become aware of your self-limiting beliefs. What thoughts are you whispering to yourself over and over again? Look.

Step 2. Mindfulness: When you discover a self-limiting belief investigate what your breath is like. Note where the tension is in your body and what your mind feels like (not what you are thinking) You are looking for a description like tight, dark, spinning, etc. The mind, body and breath are interconnected so when irrational beliefs are operating there is an impact on all three. You want to become familiar with these sensations, so you will recognize when irrational beliefs are running.

Step 3. Dispute the belief system: Turn the limiting belief into a question but don’t answer it. For example, “Am I really not good enough?” Shhh. If you answer it you will fuel your irrational thinking. This step is just about opening the door to the idea that thoughts are changeable.

Step 4. Dispute the belief system again by asking yourself what % of this thought do I hold to be factual? How much do I really believe I am not good enough? Plug in a number.

Step 5: Dispute the belief system one last time. Ask yourself, “What would happen to my doubt if I no longer held this irrational belief?” Doubt should minimize or disappear with practice.

Step 6. Choice. Now you have 3 choices. You can choose to maintain the belief system (I’m not good enough) with the same results – loneliness. You can choose to make it a whole lot worse by ruminating on all the times dating didn’t work out. You can compare yourself to others and not even try. Thankfully, there is a third choice. You can create a new thought with a positive emotional and physiological consequence. This is where you create the new neuropathway in your brain by reframing your thinking. “I’m a valuable human being with wonderful strengths. I deserve a loving relationship. I deserve joy. I believe I can find a special someone.”

Step 7. Behavior change: Face your fears and start dating with the new attitude and be grateful for all the teachings along the way.

Margie Ahern, M.Ed. – www.gomindful.net

# 7. Follow the 5 tips below

Julie-Kurtz

“Our mission is to beat ourselves up so we can help others reach a higher place in the world.” Would you apply for a job to work for a company that had that mission statement? Would you work for a company that disliked what it did and talked negatively about itself? No!! You would run fast from that organization. Why don’t we apply the same philosophy to ourselves? We live in our body 24 hours a day. A strength-based, nurturing and more flexible outlook is what promotes greatness. If you find yourself in an internal dialogue of negative self-talk with a ratio of 5:1, take these steps to reverse the habit. A commitment of 6 months (out of your whole life) to change this old habit and build a new neurosynaptic pathway in your brain will do wonders in who and what you attract to your life.

1. FEELINGS – Stop running from you. Keeping yourself busy every minute of the day prevents you from getting to know yourself. Stop, reflect and connect to how you feel throughout the day. Feelings are fleeting like clouds. Being aware of a feeling/s in the moment, practice acknowledging them and then with time they will pass. This prevents reactionary behavior to self and others.

2. REFRAME – Take any problem statement and reframe it. Usually a reframe is a way to gain perspective of the problem from a different angle. “I am too old to find love” versus “My wisdom and life experience will attract someone who has those same qualities.” Reframing changes feelings and then changes thoughts.

3. SELF-NURTURING – When you start to do things for yourself that are nurturing and restorative then you send a message that you are worth investing in. The result over time could surprise you. Any business where they invest in employees produces so much more than when they are de-valued.

4. SELF-REFLECTION – Creating awareness about thoughts, feelings and behaviors is the first step to change. Meditation, life coaching, therapy, writing in a journal, a quiet walk all are a few opportunities to tap in to the very thing that sets us apart form reptiles and mammals. Engaging our brain’s executive ability to think about our thinking, think about our feelings and behaviors and best of all recognize patterns and making changes is what sets us apart from the other species.

5. THE MAGIC FIVE – Pick 4-5 small strategies daily to practice this new behavior you wish to achieve. Practice for 6 months. This practice builds new pathways in the brain. A new pathway means a new habit. It will not work with minimal effort over time. Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent. The brain is elastic throughout our lives and any pattern can change with consistent practice.

Remember you attract whatever core belief you consistently say about yourself! Build a new habit of positive self-regard today.

Julie Kurtz, LMFT – www.juliekurtz.com

# 8. Practice the below exercise

Sherry-L.-Osadchey

We humans tend to find boxes into which we believe we should fit. Sometimes the fit is a good one and serves us. Sometimes the fit is wrong, narrow and limiting in it’s tightly constructed definitions. We can end up believing that suffering is our only choice in this view of ourselves that denies the wider lens of possibility. Boxes can be so painfully self-defeating when we don’t understand that we are caught in something that not only doesn’t support or nurture us but in fact cuts off our options for a happier and more fulfilling life.

Recognizing the boxes into which we’ve placed ourselves (so illogically but seemingly right) can be the first step out of this often unconscious and unfair straight jacket. Are you aware of the particular beliefs about yourself that you are carrying and live without question? Can you identify them? Can you shine a light on your internal dialogue, those well rehearsed statements like “I’m too old….or, I’m no longer attractive…..or, there are no good prospects, they’re all taken”……or, the myriad of negative or hurtful patterns of thought that don’t accurately reflect who you truly are?

Understanding that your internal dialogue secures a box that not only defines but confines you is a first pivotal step beyond such self-defeat. See how it feels to say to yourself “this is a narrow belief in which I’ve been caught”. This is a belief……..not a Truth. It’s such an important distinction to wrap one’s brain around.

Write down these beliefs. Let yourself see them on paper.

And, now, the harder part……. a huge, important question. “Can I bear the feeling of fear that keeps me clinging to this confining belief?” Finding the internal support to face fear, to stare it down, is the doorway to freedom. No one else’s judgment or shaming is more limiting to us than our own tightly held belief that we have no right to step beyond the confinement of our box. You not only have the right. You owe it to yourself.

Do you have people who believe in you? Do you believe you have a right to a fuller, richer life? Allow yourself to rely on the support of others. This support can help calm your fear if you can lean into it. Friends, family, nature, animals can offer support that can be used for this. Sometimes all we have to do is feel our love for others (including our animal others) and our body instinctively senses support. Finding this opposite of the negating beliefs we hold can be a tremendous tool when learning to tolerate the feelings of fear that can flood us. The grip of fear tends to silence and shut us down. It is hard-wired nervous system design but something we can learn to breathe with in order to keep going beyond the limitations fear seems to impose. Maybe you’ve heard the phrase, “feel the fear and do it anyway”. We can get bigger than our fear. Truly. You can.

It is inevitable, certainly at first, that as you step beyond your tired old beliefs that your fear will arise. Allow yourself to find out and know that love and compassion is the widest, most expansive container in which your precious life can and should be lived.

Sherry Osadchey, MA, LMFT, SEP – www.sherryosadchey.com

# 9. Ask yourself the below questions

Dr. Carrie McCrudden

Thursday, last week, I had something unusual happen: I didn’t have anything scheduled. No clients, no major work deadlines, no last minute errands I needed to squeeze in. I had a free chunk of time, middle of the day, middle of the week. Glorious! Now in the past, I would have felt compelled to fill this time with “something important.” Something work related, official or money making. I would have filled the time this way because I had long believed that if I was goofing off, that was bad. I learned this early on, from my hard working parents, and in my hard working school and work environments. On the face of it, there is nothing inherently wrong with this belief. To the contrary, my good work ethic, desire for excellence and overall commitment to doing things right, has served me very, very well. However, I recently came to understand that ALWAYS behaving in this way, and believing that I would be bad or shameful if I wasn’t productive, was actually limiting me. So I have begun experimenting with giving myself more freedom, to be both productive and spontaneous, scheduled and unscheduled.

How we feel, what we think and how we behave is a function of what we incline our minds towards. If we are thinking negative thoughts, we tend to feel negatively. If we are afraid to try new things, then new experiences feel scary. When we are out of balance, like I was about being flexible about my time, our lives become stagnant.

In relationships, our limiting beliefs tend to keep us stuck. Stuck in the same dating rut, dating the same wrong people, thinking the same negative thoughts we have been kicking around for a while. As a species, we tend to seek evidence to “prove” that what we believe is true (this is called the confirmation bias, really, it’s a real thing!). Thus once we have a limiting belief like “men are pigs,” we will tend to “prove” ourselves right. We will notice the silly guy who cat calls from the corner, or pay attention to the story about the guy who cheated on his wife, or notice the way a group of teens is ogling a woman. We will then miss the guy who held open the door for us, or helped the old lady into her car, or that nice guy at work who remembered your birthday.

So carefully examine your beliefs.

– Do you make some assumptions or generalizations that maybe could use more flexibility?

– Could you be kinder to yourself and others, instead of jumping to conclusions all the time?

– Are there some old habits that could be shifted?

I know I was really glad, last Thursday, when I chose to use my time on an incredible fall hike with a friend I rarely get to see. How much more energy I had when I did circle back around to working later in the day! Stop limiting yourself so much. There is a lot of beauty out there to enjoy.

Dr. Carrie McCrudden, LMHC – www.coloradotherapycare.com

# 10. Follow the 7 steps below

Jessica Potter

You all know her. A woman who, despite her age, features, or body type, is truly beautiful. As she walks through life you sense her confidence, her undeniable awareness of her worth, and her deep connection to herself. You may look at this woman surrounded by friends and lovers and ask yourself how she is so happy and fulfilled in loving relationships? You might look at her with a critical eye, (the same one you turn on yourself), and wonder how she can love herself despite her imperfections? How does she seem to easily attract the kind of relationship you are seeking for yourself?

The truth is that attracting a loving partner has nothing to do with what women look like, where we live, our age, or any physical or logistical reality. It’s really all about our beliefs. One hundred percent. If our beliefs are limiting, self-defeating, and hopeless, then we are creating barriers to the kind of loving relationship we crave.

For many women, there is a long list of self-limiting beliefs that keep her searching for love but rarely finding lasting healthy relationships. These beliefs are usually very old, stemming from early childhood. They become unconscious constructs in a woman’s identity. Her beliefs become regular and habitual thoughts, swimming around in her mind throughout the day. “I’m too fat/old/unattractive”, “I have too much baggage. No one would want me”. Etc.. These thoughts continually make a woman feel badly about herself, and she unconsciously creates the very situation she would like to change.

So how does one cultivate the inner knowing of her worth and beauty? I have found that there are helpful steps women can take in changing attitudes toward themselves, ultimately allowing them to attract love into their lives. One concept I remind my clients of: in order to connect with your “soulmate”, you first need to connect with your own soul.

The following list can help a woman access her true self, and attract love into her life:

1. If there is a pattern of abusive relationships, seek a therapist who specializes in treating trauma (Such as EMDR or Somatic Experiencing). Any kind of trauma can create negative beliefs that get “stuck” in the unconscious mind. Treating trauma can allow for shifts and ultimately changes in beliefs and thoughts.

2. Begin to practice meditation on a regular basis. Even 5-10 minutes a day of quieting the mind and connecting to the inner self can shift one’s awareness of negative thoughts, and allow for a more positive thought practice. Meditation is the single most effective way of connecting with our deepest selves. Mindfulness Meditation is simple and extremely effective at changing the unconscious thoughts that keep women stuck in negative patterns.

3. Practice imagining having the love you are seeking. Do this daily. Make lists of qualities you are seeing in a partner. Ask yourself, “I wonder what it would feel like to ____” (fill in what you want in a partner and in your life). Conjure up the feelings.

4. Spend time focusing on and practicing things you love to do. If you are feeling hopeless about attracting love, focus on something else that brings you joy for a while. Do art, exercise, take a dance class, go hiking, listen to or make music, see friends who are positive thinkers. Don’t try to meet the love of your life if you are in a negative mind space. Avoid going to online dating sites when you are not feeling good about yourself. Shift your focus.

5. Knowing and trusting that when you feel good and you treat yourself the way you want to be treated, you attract people to you who will also treat you well. Make a commitment to pamper yourself and increase your self-care. Eat foods that make you feel healthy. Find a form of exercise that you love. Tend to your health. Spend time in nature.

6. If you notice that you are unable to let go of unhealthy relationships, do some research on love addiction and co-dependency. These behavioral patterns can be addressed in 12-step programs, workshops and therapy groups.

7. Take this focus on attracting love very seriously. It is an area of your life that deserves your attention and dedication. Don’t leave it up to “fate”.

In general, I have seen the above practices work for many women. Don’t give up on love. It is your birthright.

Jessica Potter, LMFT – www.jessicapottermft.com

# 11. Follow the 5 steps below

Alisa Ruby Bash

Self limiting beliefs are all too common for most women who find themselves struggling to find love. We receive so many messages from the media and our social networks that create feelings of envy and insecurity. It becomes so easy to internalize those diminishing thoughts , and start to feel unworthy of love.

If you are comparing yourself to airbrushed images in the media and hollywood stereotypes, you may feel that it is not even worth it to try to put yourself out there.

Ask yourself why?

What are you getting out of hiding or being alone? Perhaps you have been hurt before and don’t think you have the wherewithal to tolerate that kind of pain again. Maybe the dating world is too overwhelming. Maybe you are comfortable feeling safe with your cat and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s on a Saturday night in your comfy socks. That is ok. But if your heart yearns to truly sing and feel the deepest love possible for you, stop sabotaging yourself!

It is so easy to make excuses to protect yourself. Saying I am too old, I am unattractive, all the good men are taken, or men only prefer younger women is a waste of time and not true. Open your eyes and look around you. When you turn off your TV, you will see couples of all ages, sizes, colors, with different stories and backgrounds, and certainly some physically unappealing ones who could not be happier or more in love.

Remember, even Frankenstein found someone and got married! Do looks and age matter to both sexes? Sure. Are your options different when you are older? Absolutely. But those facts do not exclude millions of people who want to find love, and the clincher, feel they DESERVE it, from finding their soul mates and getting married everyday. In fact, the only thing stopping you are your self limiting beliefs! If you can find the love on the inside that you seek on the outside, life will reflect that love back to you with a partner who adores you.

But, the tough part for you is doing the inner work necessary to be able to attract and maintain that love.

1. Develop a spiritual practice or connection to a higher power. Look around you at this Earth. There is a divine wisdom running this miracle and it created you! You are perfect and meant to be exactly how you are. Feel that love, pray, meditate on it, and allow that relationship to make you feel whole and loved

2. Hang out with male friends. Talk to men. Get to know how they really think. You may be surprised. Have honest conversations and listen to their opinion about what may be holding you back.

3. Do affirmations. Picture yourself in love and feeling that you deserve it and are totally happy.

4. Do yoga or another physical exercise regularly that helped release endorphins in your brain and helps you relax and develop feel good chemicals in your body.

5. Put yourself out there! Find single friends and go out together. See what it is really like out there in your city in the single scene. Chances are, unless you are hitting the hottest nightclubs that opened that week, you will look around and see all different types of people looking for love.Release those stereotypes and self limiting beliefs. You will find it as soon as you believe truly believe you deserve it.

Alisa Ruby Bash, LMFT – www.alisarubybash.com

# 12. Follow the below exercise

Anne Shopp

In the magical time of childhood, when life offers limitless possibilities, you can imagine being a fire fighter; tomorrow, you can be a famous artist, and the next day a world adventurer. Somewhere on the path to adulthood, the choice is made to become a princess locked up in a tower; daily, you add new bricks to create high and thick walls. The bricks are made of self-limiting beliefs about yourself, your future, and the possibility of loving relationships.

So what are self-limiting beliefs you ask?

Self-limiting beliefs are thoughts which you believe to be true about yourself. These thoughts can be horrible, cruel, awful things you say to yourself, about yourself. Additionally, these thoughts cover up deep fears of inadequacy, rejection, abandonment and unworthiness. Overtime, thoughts become beliefs, and these beliefs become the course of your life. The human mind is so powerful. The mind finds some away to make what you believe happen. Not the, “I believe I will win the lottery kind of belief.” Rather, it is the belief that I can accomplish something and somehow it will happen. This is why written goal setting is powerful.

So, what can you do if you are a princess locked in a tower built by your own self-limiting beliefs?

First, write a list of the self-limiting beliefs. Such as: I am too old, fat, ugly and not good enough for a decent guy, who doesn’t even exist anyway. Then, sit with this belief and breathe; breathe into the belief.

Deeply feel this belief. Can you feel what’s underneath the belief? What emotions and fears is the belief covering up? Begin to make friends with the belief, and start to wonder what the belief trying to teach you. What is the message for you? Is the belief a way to protect yourself? Is there some past hurt to be healed before you can experience intimacy or vulnerability in a relationship? Are you not taking care of yourself, and do you need self-care first?

Listen to the message. Take the message to heart. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. It’s a courageous step to look open and honestly inside. What is inside is worthy of love even if you are afraid of the risk required to love. You are a powerful princess that built the tower, and now you take the tower down brick by self -limiting brick.

Anne Shopp, LMFT, CACII – www.anneshopp.com

# 13. Follow the below exercise

Dr. Shannon Tran

Not too long ago, I was at the gym reflecting on some of my past relationships. I recalled my first heartbreak at 21, and my “starter” marriage three years later. For some inexplicable reason, I suddenly felt a deep sense of appreciation for all of my past relationships, even the ones that were painful, disappointing, or a “failure.”

I realized that each of them had taught me some valuable lessons in life, and made me a better person. I learned the importance of standing up for myself, respecting the rights of others, setting healthy boundaries, expressing my emotional and physical needs, and being more clear and honest about what I truly want to experience in a relationship. I took the opportunity to look at the patterns in my relationships, both good and bad, that contributed to my experiences.

I identified some self-sabotaging behaviors, and choose to embrace each and every mistake. I didn’t blame myself or the other person. I simply said, “thank you.” Suddenly, a wave of emotions released from me, and all the feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger, jealousy, insecurity disappeared in one magical moment. In it’s place came gratitude, joy, and a renewed respect for myself.

I believe that one of the most powerful ways of letting go of past relationship pain is to acknowledge the gift it gave you.

– How can you know what joy feels like unless you experience sorrow?

– How can you know what respect feels like unless you experience disrespect?

Sometimes, a writing exercise can be a great way of releasing the past. Get a piece of paper. Write a list of the relationships where there is still pain. Write down all the terrible feelings that come up, however pain. Get it out of your system. Take the paper, and then shred it or bun it up-safely. Go get a second piece of paper, and write down all the lessons that you learned from the relationship.

Notice where you have grown.

– How are you different now?

– How has the relationship changed you?

– Is it for the better?

If you find that you are still feeling negative, then see if you can identify the point of pain.

– Do you need to work on your boundaries?

– Do you need to work on your self-acceptance or self-worth?

– Do you need to learn who to trust?

This is your area of improvement, and as you address these areas you will experience greater inner strength. This healing exercise can prepare you for a better relationship in the future because you will come to it with more clarity, confidence, honesty, and willingness to take chances.

Dr. Shannon Tran – www.shannontranphd.com

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