How To Overcome the Fear Of Being Single - How To Win a Man's Heart

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August 12, 2014

How To Overcome the Fear Of Being Single

# 1. Locate the hidden belief, become aware of the vicious cycle and dispel the belief

Kristen Brown

Locate the hidden belief

The fear of being single can stem from multitudes of hidden beliefs. It can range from a belief that you are not good enough to ideas that society looks down upon you due to your singledom. Whatever the fear may be, it is most likely the very block that it is sabotaging the very thing that you may desire for your life. The only way to move past them is through recognition (awareness of belief) and staunch dedication to the undoing of them.

Beware of the vicious cycle

Most often (if not always) our relationship fears will stem from a feeling of inadequacy or a lack of self-love and self-respect. We tend to constantly look outside of us for the validation and love and that we not giving ourselves. Because we don’t validate and love ourselves, we mistakenly believe that being single must mean there is something terribly wrong with us and when we cannot find someone to give us this required validation and love, the belief will actually strengthen and our self-worth will plummet even further.

Dispel the belief and stop the cycle

Once identifying our hidden fear (belief) we are then positioned to do the work required to dispel the lie (because it will be a lie) once and for all. Sometimes it is very difficult for a person to see their own blocks because our minds repeat 85% of the thoughts we thought yesterday. If you find this is you, it would be a wonderful idea to engage someone to help you dig into your subconscious and bring to the surface the little bugger that is causing all this drama.

Once the belief is located, it is now the time to find a turnaround statement for the belief and give yourself three reasons why the new thought/belief is as true if not truer than the prior one.

Belief/Lie: I am single and that means there is something wrong with me.

New thought/Truth: I am single because the right person for me has not yet entered my life. I would rather be single than in a bad relationship. I am honoring my sacred self until my right match comes along.

Once we have found a truer statement, it is imperative that we don’t allow ourselves to roll down the negative pathway any longer. This will take dedication and tenacity, but it will be so worth it!

Kristen Brown, Certified Empowerment Coach/Mentor –

# 2. It’s time to fall in love: with yourself

Margie Ulbrick

Like any fear, we need to pause and ask ourselves, how does this serve me? The best thing about this particular fear is that we can be pretty sure that although on some level it seems to keep us safe, that is really an illusion. After all, when we unpack it and look at it in the cold light of day, what is so scary about being with yourself?

Really in most cases we are afraid of separation. This stems back from our early life experiences and how safe it was for us to be in the world and how much we were encouraged to develop trust in ourselves and in those around us. As adults, it is messy. We are not always aware of what is behind our fears. We may not be familiar with the place inside that feels scared to grow up, to be independent, to feel a sense of autonomy and free will. Once we get a taste of our independent drives it is liberating.

Actually, our own power can feel threatening to us. We grow when we take charge of our own lives and are more committed to truth than to being in a relationship based on fear.

No one else can fill us, a relationship or another person cannot be used to take away our loneliness or to make us feel good enough. We have to find this strength from within ourselves before we can ever hope to have a healthy relationship.

Ultimately, this is a liberating process. In developing the capacity to be comfortable with our independence we then grow our capacity to be solid in a relationship. We reduce the risk of co-dependence and of developing unhealthy relationship patterns. We cannot really commit ourselves freely to a relationship until we have let go of the fear that we need another to prop us up. When we stand on our own two feet and act from a place of choice not need we are then able to create healthy relationships.

So it’s time to shake up our paradigms and be willing to grow. It’s time to say what can I learn here? What is my edge? Being single may just teach you how to form a better relationship down the track. It may teach you about who you are and help you develop your resilience and your enthusiasm for your own life. It’s time to fall in love: with yourself; time to invest energy into developing your self and to becoming your own best friend.

Margie Ulbrick, LLB/BA/GD SOCSCI –

# 3. Look at singledom as an opportunity for growth and your own self discovery

Haley Gage

Single. Just one. On your own. It can be a scary thought. Especially when you feel like couples are all around you. Maybe you are one of those couples and you think staying together unhappy is better than being single. Or dating someone who is lackluster is better than dating no one at all. Happiness and singleness can’t go together, BUT they do.

So you’re single; there is power in being single. Think about it. Your time belongs to you. If you don’t want to go home after work, you don’t have to. If you want to make a last minute decision, you can. If you want to go to dinner with a group of friends, go for it. You make your schedule. You control what you do, who you see, what you spend your money on, and you get to go on all sorts of dates. It either goes well or it doesn’t and now you have a good story. Being single offers you freedom.

Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone you know you’ve got one (or two or three) up on. But being with him seems to make more sense because at least you still have someone to bring when you have that +1 option. You’re probably less than satisfied and leaving your happiness in this dudes control. Sure, getting out means you’ve got to start over somewhere new, but at some point you’re going to have to do it. Why not now before the water gets any deeper?

I had a talk with a friend recently who has been having trouble in her relationship and she felt alone. Being alone on an island by yourself is one thing, but when you feel alone on an island with someone, that is worse. Don’t be afraid of what singleness means, it’s opportunity for growth and your own self discovery.

Haley Gage, M.A., LAPC –

# 4. Being single simply means a woman is not currently in an exclusive, intimate relationship. If she is frightened of being single, she is anticipating that a successful partnership may never happen.

Dr. Randi Gunther

I have heard these more concerned expressions of insecurity most often now from adolescent girls and more mature women. In these current times, more women from their early twenties into their late thirties are enjoying the opportunity to experience sequential intimate relationships, pursue education, establish careers, and explore new opportunities they could not do were they obligated to one person. They are separating sexuality from long-term involvement, having children with or without obligation to marry, and not needing partners to financially support them.

If an intimate, long-term relationship is still central to a woman’s desires during those years, she will naturally feel more worried if she has not found a significant other to bond with. That is especially true if she believes that those experiences can only come from an intimate relationship. Fearful of that potential isolation, she may compromise her needs or sacrifice her integrity in order to make a relationship happen. Sadly, if those relationships don’t work, many women develop a heart-breaking, “pre-defeated” attitude that can actually make them less likely to succeed in subsequent relationships.

Interestingly enough, women who independent and in in love with life seem to end up in more committed, successful relationships when they finally do desire to pair-bond. A more “available” woman may bring out the ego in a man or even his desire to rescue her, but a woman who “chooses” a partner, rather than “needing” one seems to hold that desirability over the long haul.

Fear is the anticipation of unbearable loss. It is often accompanied by insecurity, loneliness, and a lack of confidence. It is not wrong to want to matter and feel treasured by someone important. Everyone needs intimate touch and the security of known comfort. But a woman waiting for life to happen is not living fully. The richness of life can only be experienced in the present. When options are few and needs are high, most people forget to love what is rather than aching for what is not yet available.

When women master that wisdom, they are their most beautiful and most desirable selves. Their sense of what is sacred is infectious. I have known many women who have achieved that state of self-love and mischievous twinkling. They don’t think about being single as much as they care about being authentically intimate with the people they currently love. And, interestingly enough, those qualities are deeply attractive to quality men.

Dr. Randi Gunther –

# 5. Choose faith over fear

Allison Cohen

In the depths of loneliness, your mind can play tricks on you. If you want a partner and feel it impossible to find, you may become convinced that you will always be single. Often, this “realization” turns to fear. Fear creates impulsivity and as a result, can catapult you towards the nearest, seemingly adequate partner. Because of this reactivity, we don’t stop to evaluate the compatibility and just feel lucky “to have someone.” Sadly, a self fulfilling prophecy ensues and as the relationship crumbles, it solidifies your belief that your lot in life is to simply remain a party of one.

The best way to combat this cycle is to choose faith. Invest in the knowledge that feelings are not facts and therefore there is no reason to believe that your person is not out in the world, waiting for you. Of course the time table is unknown, but the only certainty is that you won’t find him or her if you believe that you won’t. In fact, our beliefs are so powerful that they actually create our reality. If you buy into the fear of remaining single there will be no impetus to draw in potential mates. If you choose faith, you keep acting to bring those feelings to fruition.

Remember that while it’s less than ideal to be single when you long to be partnered, it is always preferable to remain, until you find the mate that is truly right for you. Stay open eyed and faithful and create your window of opportunity for your right fit.

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT –

# 6. It is important to do the inner work to get to a place of confidence and purpose with who you are

Amy Sherman

Many women need to develop more self-confidence and autonomy when they are single. Otherwise, they get caught up in relationships that are unfulfilling and unhealthy, just because they are afraid of being single. Some women take this to the extreme and are so co-dependent that any relationship is better than being alone. Does this sound like you? Examine if you relate to any of these characteristics:

1. You look to your partner for gratification and confirmation.

2. You have low self-esteem and depend on others to affirm your value.

3. You get so enmeshed in your partner’s life that you lose yourself in the relationship.

4. You are afraid of being alone because you don’t feel comfortable with yourself.

What can you do to change this? It is important to do the inner work to get to a place of confidence and purpose with who you are. Radiate the essence of a proud, beautiful woman and you will attract smart, relationship-minded men who are looking for a sharp, compassionate, fun-loving person like you!

If you allow your emotions (fears and desperations) to dictate your choices and decisions, you are going to make mistakes that could cause you to be in unhealthy, even abusive relationships. So, acting impulsively is bad. Think things through and remember your value. Don’t waste time with people who really don’t deserve you or who don’t treat you well. Ask yourself, “Am I feeling happier and more fulfilled with this person or am I unhappy, even sad? Am I becoming a better person as part of a couple or am I compromising my integrity and personal values?” It’s all about making an attitude re-frame. You need to decide if you are so desperate to be with just anyone — or worthy of being with someone who truly deserves you! Your relationship should enhance who you already are. If it doesn’t, it’s not the right relationship!

When you are single, it’s an opportunity to focus your attention on your own personal growth, interests and individual needs. Then when you meet someone, it allows your partner to do the same. This will nurture the development of a healthy, fulfilling and lasting relationship while creating a healthier, more satisfied YOU.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC –

# 7. Understand that lovability is not proven by having or not having a man in your life.

Ruth Gordon

Did you know that it has been shown, scientifically, that the greatest fear of women is to be abandoned? Research tells us that this fear is wired into our brains. This innate anxiety is easily translated into a fear of spending life without a mate.

We worry about what others think. We may, intellectually, know that being independent is a good thing, but, in our heart and soul, there is often a small piece of us that feels inadequate. Although we do handle things pretty darn well, we think it would be so much easier to have someone to share the chores with. At it’s most damaging, our belief system tells us that we are unlovable.

Ask a woman in a miserably unhappy marriage if she would trade it for the freedom of being on her own. Many, would, gladly, thus the larger part of the divorce rate (women initiate this with greater frequency than men). A woman may “simply” be forced to endure emotional abuse, a power struggle, infidelity or any number of issues. Ask yourself if you would want to live with that.

Have you ever had a married friend complain that she can’t get her partner to take care of things that she finds important, that he tries to control her spending (although she works as well), or simply does what he want to do regardless of her preferences? I’ll bet you have. You may not be so willing to abdicate your ability to do things your way. Something to think about.

Lovability is not proven by having or not having a man in your life. There are many reasons for marriage, not all of them have to do with what we call “love”.

A good way to estimate your value is to pay attention to how you treat others. Are you emotionally generous? Are you patient with someone who is struggling? Are you loyal, keeping a confidence even if you have had a disagreement? If you believe that you are deficient in any of these areas, you have the power to change that.

It is wonderful to be with someone who optimizes your life experience. Until, and even if he comes along, hold back on self-judgment, it is a most unreliable measure.

Ruth Gordon, M.A., MSW, LICSW –

# 8. When we buy into the “what ifs”, we set ourselves up for settling, feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, or staying in unhealthy relationships

Jacqueline V. Cohen

For some women, being single can create a lot of anxiety. Anxiety, while partly a genetic trait, is also fear of the future or “what if”. As soon as the mind starts with “what if”, “what if I never find the right person”, “what if I am too old and can’t have children”, “what if I am not good enough”, and so on and so on, you will find yourself down a rabbit hole that will make you miserable. Most importantly, you won’t be in the present enjoying the reality you are actually in.

That is the key, really, to be in the present. When we buy into the “what ifs”, we set ourselves up for settling, feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, or staying in unhealthy relationships. The truth is, we can’t predict the future, but we can appreciate where we are now. If you aren’t happy where you are now, do something about it. I don’t mean find the next available man, I mean, work on how to make yourself happy. Learn how to love yourself enough to take care of yourself, manage your stress, find a hobby or goal that creates self confidence, and focus on what you have control of instead of what you don’t.

Jacqueline V. Cohen, LPC –

# 9. Follow these 3 guidelines

Amanda Patterson

1. Be comfortable with yourself

Part of being single is discovering who you are. It gives you the opportunity to explore your likes and dislikes. It gives you the chance to figure out what you want in life, without the expectation from another person. When you have a good sense of who you are and what you want, you’re in a place where you are comfortable with yourself. If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, it is important to look into those feelings and thoughts. Are you unhappy with a part of yourself that you can change? Are there aspects of yourself that would best be served by acceptance? Learning to love and accept yourself is the first step to being okay with being single because you will know that you aren’t single because there is something wrong with you, rather this is a time in your life when you are single (meaning that being single is without judgment or explanation, just a state of being).

2. Appreciate what being single has to offer

When else in your life can you make all of your decisions for yourself, without having to consider someone else? You get to pick where you want to eat dinner every night. You get to sleep in or go out at night with your girls. There are some benefits to having your life for yourself. It’s all about choice when you are single and it gives you the chance to find out who you are. So embrace this time in your life when you are in full control of the direction you go in.

3. Know that you have the power to get the life that you want

This goes along with the last line you read before this paragraph. You are in full control of your life. You can create whatever you want in your life, including having a relationship. Once you realize that you can have any type of relationship you want and deserve, the anxiety will go down. The focus will not be on getting the relationship, rather you will focus on the timing of when it comes into your life. This takes faith as well. The faith in yourself and the faith that everything works itself out In perfect timing.

Amanda Patterson, LMHC –

# 10. The only way to overcome the fear of being single is to embrace being single

Dr. Amy Wood

You are most likely to attract what you want – in this case a resonant male partner – when you are comfortable with yourself. What this means is that if you’re not happy as a single person, you won’t appeal to the well-adjusted, loving, and reliable man you’re seeking. There is no better way to end up in a fulfilling partnership than to completely immerse yourself in all that is positive about being without a partner. Enjoy your freedom and flexibility to the hilt, learn to luxuriate in your alone time, and you will naturally draw eligible, high quality men to you. Worry about being endlessly unattached, on the other hand, and your desperation will repel men from you.

It’s healthy to want a life partner, and it’s normal to fear you won’t find him, so you can’t expect to extinguish your anxiety entirely. What you can expect, however, is that you will enjoy your life more – while you are single and when you do meet Mr. Right – when you learn to make the most of what you have. What you have right now is full charge of your life, so take advantage of that privilege by treating yourself well, exploring new interests, and pursuing your dreams on your own unique terms with abandon. If you stop waiting for Mr. Right to appear and take initiative with yourself and your life, despite the anxiety, you will walk smack into the man of your dreams when he’s the furthest thing from your mind. And there is nothing more enticing to the right guy than an independent, interesting woman who is too engaged with life to appear even remotely desperate.

Dr. Amy Wood –

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