How To Prepare Yourself For Love - How To Win a Man's Heart

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February 19, 2016

How To Prepare Yourself For Love

# 1. Follow the 5 steps below

Kristen Brown

Preparing yourself for true love starts with changing your perspective about what true love really is and by healing yourself in order to show up in the world in equal vibration to what you’d like to attract.

Some years ago, I realized there was a repeating pattern of the type of men I was attracting. I was not attracting men who recognized or honored my worth. Nor was I attracting men who treated me as a priority in their lives. After a profound betrayal rocked my world in 2009, I made a steadfast decision to stop dating altogether until I located what was inside of me that was perpetuating this cycle of nonreciprocal, painful relationships.

After two years of time well spent on myself, I decided I was ready and within 6 months, I met my ideal partner. He is the polar opposite of any man I have ever dated. Our meeting, dating and journey has been unconventional to say the least, but my healed and open heart allowed for the divine perfection of its unfolding. I know unequivocally that the sacred time I invested in myself is the sole reason why I am now experiencing the best relationship of my life.

Here’s a snippet into what my journey looked like:

1. He’s not here to save you – No person can save you, but yourself. Putting a man in the “knight in shining armor role” is going to breed disappointment every time. Men are spiritual beings just as we are. They are afraid, they are sensitive, they are fallible and they need tenderness, acceptance and love just as women do. Remove the belief “If I just meet the right guy, everything will be fine!” That belief alone puts a lot of pressure on a relationship from go. Seek not to be saved, but to be equally yoked.

2. Recognize you are the common denominator – You are responsible for what you bring to a relationship. If you are not attracting a certain caliber of man, there is something inside of you that desperately needs your love. What you are not receiving from him, is what you are not giving to yourself. Be willing to locate your defeating thoughts and unworthy places. They are the key to changing your attraction point.

3. Open your heart – The typical response to heartache is heart closure; however, this defense is counter intuitive to what we are most desiring. Open heartedness and vulnerability are key components to true connection and true love. If you wait for the right man to enter before opening your heart, you could be waiting for a very long time. (Refer to #1) If it’s an open heart and vulnerability you desire, work on becoming the same.

4. Change fear to love – All fear is illusion and it can repel all that we desire for our lives. Only love is real. We have the ability to see the Truth (love) if we are open to it. Go within to find the fearful places inside of you and be willing to change those fears to love. For example:

Fearful thought: No one will want me because I have children.

Truth: There are good men everywhere who love and marry women with children.

5. You are worthy – Our level of worthiness will proportionately dictate the type of man we attract. When we know ourselves unquestionably worthy of a great love, we are then in position to attract just that! We must own our worth in order to attract a relationship that reflects our worth.

For more on how I healed my unworthiness in order to attract my ideal partner, please visit my website and click on the “My Book” tab.

Kristen Brown, Author & Certified Empowerment Coach – www.kristenbrown.org

#2. The best way to prepare ourselves for a lasting, healthy, committed relationship is to resolve the unresolved issues

Andrea-Mathews

Most of us learn how to be in an effective personal relationship by going through the school of hard knocks. But you’ve just left your last dysfunctional relationship and you are asking yourself, why you keep getting attracted to the jerks. Why does this keep happening to you?

Falling in love is an unconscious act. That in-love feeling comes out of the unconscious and falls down on the conscious mind as an awareness of the feeling. If we have unresolved issues from family of origin or from previous relationships, these issues will come out of the unconscious attached to the in-love feeling—we will be attracted to these unresolved issues in some way. So the best way to prepare ourselves for a lasting, healthy, committed relationship is to resolve the unresolved issues.

We get attracted to those people who present us with unresolved issues because the psyche, always leaning toward wholeness, wants us to resolve these issues. We do not get attracted to these people in order to marry them. Unfortunately, we don’t know this.

For example, if I get attracted to people who are verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically abusive to me, then I may have some unresolved issues about abuse. Perhaps I’ve been blaming myself for this abuse. Perhaps I feel that this means that I’m unworthy of love and nurturance. I will get attracted to another abusive person in order to find out that the abuse perpetrated on me, really had nothing to do with me. It had to do with the fact that the abuser couldn’t control his tongue, his emotions, his own sense of self-esteem or his own sense of empowerment. Coming to know this fact on a deep emotional and psychic level may heal us, and we may begin to be attracted to people who are more authentic, capacitated with relationship skills and able to openly and freely love us for who we are.

We can prepare ourselves for a healthy relationship, by looking at what worked and what didn’t work in the previous relationship. What worked is evidence of our psychological progress. What didn’t work is information we can use to ask more questions. Why didn’t it work? What about it didn’t work? What was my role in it? What was my partner’s? What are my chief emotional responses to what wasn’t working?

Answering these and other like questions will help us wake up to what is unresolved. If we are brave we will take an especially close look at our own role, and our own emotions before, during and after the events, situations or dynamics that did not work. Taking responsibility for those may facilitate a change in behavior, in attitude, in thinking and in emotional responsiveness that allows us to transform and heal the old unresolved issues.

This is not easy work, but the pay-off is great. Many will need to seek out a trusted therapist with whom to do this work.

Andrea Mathews, LPC, PhD – www.andreamathews.com

# 3. Explore your myths about true love and look at your “should list”

Lisa Bahar

True love is an experience. Myths about true love set a person up for expectations and when there are expectations there is bound to be disappointments. I see this a lot with individuals that come in with their “should list.” They (meaning the relationship) should be this, they should do that, “if they loved me they wouldn’t be doing that, because they should be doing this.” Therefore, being willing to explore your myths about true love and looking at your “should list” is one of the most healthiest things you can do, as you prepare for the experience, which by the way is something that just happens, one really has no control when true love will happen, so in essence life is a preparation for true love.

a. Self sabotaging patterns in relationships are rooted in fear. The goal would be to explore the fear that is driving the sabotaging patterns in your relationships. When you find yourself setting yourself up to be sabotaged, ask yourself, “What is the threat?” This observation of self sabotaging takes willingness, practice and awareness. A way to start this is, practice being aware of your behaviors and patterns, ask yourself “Is this effective in getting me what I want or not effective?”

b. Relationship Baggage is a very heavy load to carry, and lets face it, we all have it. The idea with baggage is to unload and relieve yourself the stress of carrying it around, and that means you have to accept what happened, not approve or think it was right, just accept that whatever that situation was that created that baggage, it happened, and if you can accept it, and live with that, it will be lighter. It will always be a part of you, but not in the terms of baggage, more as just a scar or healed wound that taught you something about yourself and about others.

c. Childhood wounds are sometimes revealed in relationships and deserve gentle care. Sometimes we find ourselves, having to “re-parent” ourselves, meaning we care for our child within, being able to comfort ourselves and remind ourselves that we are okay, may mean you seek spiritual practice or support in therapy to help with this process and be aware of when you are looking to your relationships to heal child hood wounds.

True love is life, life is love. If you can think of truly lovely yourself and all you are, then you have experienced true love.

Lisa Bahar, MA, LMFT – www.lcbahar.wix.com/lisa-bahar

# 4. Knowing yourself is key to attracting true love

Karen-Thacker

I can’t talk about preparing for true love without first defining what it is you are preparing yourself for. My take on true love involves many components. True love is more than an emotional feeling you have for a romantic interest. That is only a small part of true love. To truly love another person you are making a commitment to stay in the relationship even when you don’t want to, which is a reality in any relationship. It is usually a temporary state. If you frequently don’t want to be with the person, then chances are this isn’t a relationship to stay in and not an ideal situation to experience and live out true love. It involves deeply connecting with the other person by letting your partner see who you truly are. All of you is present, not just the parts you want to show. This is reciprocated by your partner. You both share your fears, sadness, frustrations, joys, dreams and aspirations. You both bring honesty and authenticity. You both choose to understand each other rather than dismiss or condemn.

Now that you know what true love is, what elements seem challenging to you?

Taking the time to look at your weaknesses will give you a clear understanding of what you need to work on which will help you prepare yourself for true love. Do an honest assessment of how you have done in these areas in past relationships. Have you placed too much emphasis on the romantic passionate side of love, expecting it to be like the movies and books? It’s not. Maybe sometimes but not regularly. If you don’t have butterflies in your stomach every time you are around your partner, it doesn’t mean you should end it. So start by adopting a realistic view of true love.

How are you at being vulnerable, sharing who you really are?

Chances are if this doesn’t come naturally for you, it may be tied to a shaming message you picked up in your early years or later. Start noticing what you’re thinking and feeling about yourself when you are in settings with others who are sharing about themselves. If this is a challenge for you, it might help to work with a coach or counselor to gain comfort being yourself and sharing yourself with others.

Start exercising your ‘seek to understand’ muscle. Anytime you are around others, really listen to what they are saying. Repeat back what you’re hearing. Notice the response. You will usually hear something that indicates this person feels heard. Now focus on why this person is having this experience. It’s trying to be in his shoes. We can’t ever really know what that’s like because we are each our own unique selves but given what the person is saying can you understand her experience? It’s not about agreeing, just understanding.

Commit yourself to being as healthy as you can be in all areas to prepare for true love.

Karen Thacker, LPC – www.journeyforward.net

# 5. Implement the below ideas

Cynthia-Pulham

Eartha Kitt, the American actress and singer had some priceless advice about relationships: “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you.”

An excellent way to spark and nurture healthy self-love is by sending yourself love letters. That’s right: heart-felt expressions of affection and admiration to be bundled in ribbon, kept, re-read, and cherished by the recipient. Real letters on real stationery, written with a real pen, and sent through real mail to your mailbox.

One of the most powerful lessons of hypnotherapy is that the deepest mind — the source of those vast implicit resources that flow through and inform every one of our waking moments — delights in concrete, tangible expressions that can be experienced by the senses. Bringing self-love alive through love letters will give it vastly greater power to enhance and strengthen your positive beliefs about your self.

Here are some ideas to get you going:

– Five things you like about yourself

– A personal strength that illuminates your everyday life

– A recounting of challenging situations you have overcome

– A personal accomplishment gained through perseverance

– Values that you live day to day

When you open your mailbox and find a letter inside, savor the experience of opening and reading it. Sit in a comfortable chair and slowly take in the meaning of the words on the page. Let the love in the letter fill your heart until it glows, and then see how you feel about sharing that love with someone who appreciates you as much as you appreciate yourself.

Cynthia Pulham, MA, CCH – www.wellspringshypnotherapy.com

# 6. Follow the 3 tips below

Karen R. Koenig

The path to finding a mature, lasting love relationship means considering what makes for this kind of union. Most of us don’t think much about essential elements: we either want what our parents had or wish for anything but what they had. Even when you know what contributes to relationship happiness, you might be thinking about the traits you desire in another person rather than about the traits you bring to the partnership. Each is equally important. And finally, you might be such a romantic that you never even consider that everything you do and say is either moving you toward or away from attracting “true love.”

Here are the basics of what to expect from yourself and from your partner in order to maintain a mature, lasting union.

1. Know yourself inside out. Although we can be observant, reflective and self-analytical, we will always have blind spots. That said, to be mentally healthy, you must be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses without bias or judgment. Knowing yourself means taking off the blinders and keeping your eyes wide open about your experience of being you and how you seem to be experienced by others. When you know yourself well, you are then able to recognize in a relationship what emotional baggage is yours and what belongs to somebody else.

2. Be able to recognize your feelings and share them appropriately. This means being able to contain and expand emotions. For example, you’ll want to know how to feel hurt and share this feeling at the right time in the right place and in the right way. This is also a trait you’ll want to find in a partner. Someone who has few internal resources to manage and contain his or her emotions or someone who refuses to experience feelings and share them will find intimate relationships difficult if not impossible. One key facet to emotional health is being able to comfortably say that you are wrong or sorry.

3. Keep focused on “we” as well as “you” and “me.” This includes having appropriate boundaries and finding a partner who also has them. Boundaries involve knowing where you and another person start and end. Respecting boundaries can be tricky in relationships as you try to balance your needs, your partner’s needs, and what the relationship needs to keep running smoothly. If either partner can think only of “me,” that means he or she is too self-absorbed to be in an intimate partnership. If either partner can only think of “you,” that means he or she doesn’t have a strong enough sense of self for healthy intimacy.

The good news is that the more you are engaged in the above practices, the more likely you are to find a partner who also is.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. – www.karenrkoenig.com

# 7. Follow the 3 steps below

Jennifer-Whitfield

Although people have many differences, there is one thing we all have in common; the desire to be loved. Below are 3 steps you can practice to help in your search for love.

1. Love Yourself First

Women are subject to many pressures and expectations; pressures to look a certain way, dress a certain way, and act a certain way. With all of these expectations, it can be easy for a woman to lose herself. When it comes to finding a healthy and meaningful relationship, it is important that as a woman, you love and respect yourself. You cannot fully and truly love another, if you cannot love yourself first. Before entering a relationship, identify your needs and aspirations for yourself. Do you want to go to college? Begin a career? When you focus on yourself, respect yourself and believe in your self-worth, you will attract someone who appreciates these attributes about yourself, and who also has their own aspirations. If you do not love and respect yourself, how can you expect your partner to?

2. Identify What You Want

In order to find your perfect match, you must first know what you want. What is your vision? If you close your eyes and picture yourself in 5 years, what do you see? What is your partner like? What do they look like? Where do you live? Do you have children? Try to be as detailed as possible and write these things down. Going a step further; creating a vision board of what you want in a partner and in life, can be extremely helpful. Grab a poster board and some magazines. Skim through the pages and cut out images that speak to you. Glue these images to the poster board. After a while, you will have a clear picture of what you find important in a relationship and for your future. When you know what you want, it is easier to find.

3. Heal Old Wounds

Everyone has baggage. Heartache is a part of relationships and life. However, there is a difference between being in a place where you can learn and grow from heartache, and in a place of emotional turmoil. Maybe you went through a terrible divorce, maybe you have been in an abusive relationship, you might have some childhood difficulties that still haunt you, or maybe you have struggled with depression or anxiety. Whatever the case, it is important to be emotionally stable and have worked through these experiences, before trying to find “the one.” If you are in a place of dysfunction or chaos, it may be difficult to make healthy decisions when it comes to love. Sometimes, time passing is all that is needed to heal. Church is an option for those that believe in a higher power, or others might need more intensive options such as psychotherapy or support groups. Practice whatever is helpful for you to find closure, so you can move on to the next chapter of your life; finding true love.

Jennifer Whitfield, LMHC, NCC, RPT – www.hhhcounseling.com

# 8. Discover the 4 truths below

Sue-Markovitch

When I got married at 31, I’d found true love. We planned our seaside wedding, exchanged vows, then started projecting our shadows onto one another right away. I didn’t know that’s what was happening, so I kept blaming, manipulating, and controlling what he did and said, so I could stop feeling worthless.

I’d tell him, “I need you to say things like this. And I need you to do things like this.” He would try, but the moving target that was my insatiable need for validation was never satisfied. Ever.

After seven years of feeling lost and alone, I left marriage for someone who really saw me; who made me feel like I mattered. Until he cheated and lied, and left me in a heap on my floor, praying to either die or be healed from this miserable heartache and loneliness.

In this prayer, I saw that it was me. I was wounded. My heart was broken and it had been for a very long time.

To find my way out of the pit, I had to own that it was me who felt worthless, no matter how anyone was treating me. It was me who was addicted to affirmation and approval, and without it I felt lost and alone. And most importantly, it was me who said yes to these relationships, even though they were painful.

I believe my soul was seeking these relationships, because they were perfectly designed to bring all my wounds and fears to light; I am worthless, I am nothing if I am alone, I am unworthy of love and acceptance, I’m no good.

To prepare myself to love, I had to heal. I immersed myself into a journey of recovery, from grief, abuse, trauma and loss. I had to learn the truth.

Truth #1

No matter what I have done, or what has been done to me, I can be whole and healed. There is no such thing as beyond hope or permanently damaged when God is the healer.

Truth #2

I don’t feel better by getting someone else to act differently. I feel better by learning to let others be who they are, and know who I am. I find my identity in the Spirit.

Truth #3

I am empowered to create a life of passion and purpose. I must not wait. Becoming the highest version of myself prepares me for a partner who wants to share life. This requires a commitment to prayer, meditation, music, study, dance and everything else that lights my soul on fire.

Truth #4

True love is who I am. Preparing myself for love means looking within and seeing that it is me. I am perfectly ready and always have been. I had to see the fears that were blocking me and surrender them to God. They were lies.

My job is to stay focused on the truth. As I do, a vision of two people sharing a journey becomes clear in my mind. And my heart says, yes. Yes! I am ready.

Sue Markovitch, Author and Life Coach in Westerville, Ohio – www.clearrockfitness.com

# 9. The first thing to do to prepare you for true love is to love yourself

Dr.-Joanne-Wendt

When women are asked what kind of qualities they want in their ideal man, they may respond by saying things like they want someone who is kind, caring, intelligent, has a job, gets along well with his family, is self-assured and confident, has well-rounded interests and is motivated to be successful in life to name a few. This ideal man cannot bring you true love unless you have all these qualities yourself. Looking for a prince-charming to take care of all your needs may leave your man feeling overburdened and you, feeling very disappointed and unloved.

The first thing to do to prepare you for true love is to love yourself. Work on having a high degree of self-esteem with an assertive style for approaching life. Become independent by pursuing your own interests and developing a career that makes you financially self-sufficient and happy as dependency on another can cause an unequal power in your relationship that may lead to unhappiness. Develop good, supportive friendships that bring acceptance and caring into your life so as not to depend solely on your relationship for emotional support.

If you really want to find true love, don’t rush into have a physically intimate relationship with your man. Steve Harvey, in his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, recommends waiting 90 days before becoming physically intimate. Does your man want you or does he want sex? If he stays with you under these circumstances, it’s a good sign he wants you. Getting to know someone in an emotionally intimate way first is the glue that holds a relationship together.

If you have emotional scars from unhealthy family/childhood relationships or other traumatic experiences, seek professional help to help heal them so they aren’t taken into your relationship. For example, if you were abused in your family, you may unconsciously seek out a man who will abuse you and this pattern of abuse gets repeated. You must be two whole separate individuals before you can become one in a loving relationship. Knowledge is power. Have high standards, demand respect and know the “red flag” signs of abuse before embarking on any relationship. Emotionally healthy women are attracted to and draw attention from healthy men. This is the best way a women can have a better chance of finding the true love they deserve.

Dr. Joanne Wendt – www.drjoannewendt.com

# 10. Practice living from your greatness and choose a partner who is committed to living from his greatness too

Dr. Shannon Tran

I wish someone would’ve sat me down in my twenties and imparted some of the wisdom I am about to share with you. This wisdom comes from years of study as well as personal experience of what it takes to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with men.

The first thing you should know is your relationships with men reveal the TRUTH about your relationship with yourself. Therefore, you MUST first develop an empowering relationship with yourself before you can have fulfilling relationships with men.

If your experiences with men have been unhealthy or unsatisfying so far, I would encourage you to do some self-exploration. Where are you engaging in unhealthy or self-sabotaging patterns? Pay attention to your current interactions with men. How do you act around men? How do you communicate with them? What do you expect from them? Where do these expectations come from? What do you find attractive in men and why? Some women claim to be attracted to “bad boys.” I am not sure exactly what this means, but if you are attracted to someone who is not trustworthy or routinely behaves in foolish ways, then you cannot expect to have a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Choose someone who you admire and respect rather than someone who only offers excitement-unless you simply want a fling. Review your past relationships and identify any unhealthy habits or patterns. What do you notice? Do you have a fear of rejection? I once dated a man who was a smooth talker. He could write for Hallmark. I didn’t realize until months later that his actions never matched his words. If a man’s word does not match his action, then believe the action. Never let a man love you more than you love yourself. Never mother the man or treat him like a child. Allow the man to please you and reward him with your appreciation.

Some people recommend that you focus on the qualities of the person you want to attract in a relationship. This is fine, and I would also encourage you to consider what you want to EXPERIENCE in the relationship. How do you want to FEEL in the relationship? Do you want to feel safe, protected, supported, cherished, respected, or nurtured? Finally, take an honest look within. Who do YOU need to be in order to have the relationship of your dreams? Do you need to be more secure or assertive or compassionate? Can you love and accept all parts of yourself as you work on the unhealthy habits or patterns from your past? I believe one of the best ways to attract an ideal partner is to practice living from your greatness, and choosing a partner who is committed to living from their greatness too.

Dr. Shannon Tran – www.shannontranphd.com

# 11. When preparing for love, the starting point should be with you

Robin Ennis

Floating on cloud nine, love is a feeling that has people feeling like they are flying high above. Whether it is platonic or romantic, people are constantly in search of it, that feeling of being needed and wanted. The deep desire, yearning to be loved is always present, whether a person is conscious of it or not. For the sake of this discussion, we are going to talk about love, in terms of romantic feelings.

Out of all the things in the world, we know that love is attainable, but how do we find it, and once we have it, how do we keep it?

The answer is to prepare yourself to be loved, and to be willing to reciprocate. When preparing for love, the starting point should be with you. Do you love yourself? Many times we hear about people in search of relationships to fill a void, and as we know, they never turn out successfully. You must love yourself before you can truly embrace healthy love with someone else.

The law of attraction practices that we attract the same energy that we radiate. If you have low self esteem, chances are you will find someone with that same mind frame, or a person that will take advantage of the situation. Besides, before loving anyone else, we should WANT and NEED to love ourselves first. Remember, there is only one of you, so value what you have to offer.

What message are you sending to yourself and others? If you do not love yourself, you are conveying that to others on a daily basis through your words and actions. I challenge you to do a simple exercise that only requires a pen and paper or a computer. Without thinking about it, write down all adjectives that come to mind when thinking about yourself. Take a few minutes to do this, and again, don’t think, just write. Once finished, look at what you wrote. Notice any trends? Are the words positive, negative, or a mixture of both? Now, reflect back on your past relationships, how did yourself image factor into your choice in partners? This answer will reveal a lot, and create clarity on possible areas that you need to work on in order to find true, mutually beneficial, and healthy love. Be the driver, not the passenger in your love life!

Robin Ennis, LMSW, CPC – www.prominentpathways.org

# 12. Follow the 6 steps listed below

Barbara-Ferullo

Many of the fears about not finding love in our lives are often driven by anxiety. Here are six steps to help you achieve that goal more easily.

First, learn to recognize when you’re starting to become anxious, and start doing some deep breathing exercises, exhaling a bit longer than you are inhaling (count according to your lung capacity).

Second, practice, practice, practice, at least twice a day. To remember, you might do it at a convenient time, for instance, at lunch or dinnertime. Anxiety is imbedded in the body, and one of the few ways to get at it is through the body, e.g., through relaxation exercises. You want to get to the point where it becomes rote, a habit, something you do automatically without even thinking about it. Thinking will lead to over-thinking, and get in your way. My deep breathing kicks in automatically whenever I’m sitting in traffic, sometimes without my even being aware of it. That’s when it finally becomes a handy tool you can keep in your back pocket. It will also help you start to feel more self-confident.

Third, become aware of your triggers. Notice when you become clingy, argumentative, or withdrawn. Anxiety underlies that, and you want to know what’s setting it off. There’s usually a good reason – something that ‘s similar to a painful childhood experience, perhaps, or a bad past relationship. That’s a good cue to start some deep breathing.

Fourth, if you’re attached, remember that it takes two to tango. What are his issues that are setting you off? Talk to him about it. Include how it sets off your own issues, how the two of you trigger one another, and unintentionally make the situation worse.

Fifth, propose some form of “time out”. Agree in advance that as soon as either one of you realize what’s happening, you’ll take a short break, either separately (you each go on your respective computers), or together (watching a TV program you both like). Have the understanding that you’ll continue the conversation at a later time, when you’re both calmer and in a better place.

Sixth, if you’re not attached, but looking for someone, find a venue that fits your particular preferences and personality. Online dating or the bar scene isn’t for everyone. It can be harsh, and rejection is common. Find a group or class with similar interests, e.g., a mixed soccer team, or political discussion group. But be strategic. Even if you have a passion for cooking, you might want to take a pass, as it’ll have mostly women. On the other hand, don’t choose golf if you have no interest in it. A get together with friends is also a good stress-free situation in which to meet new people.

With thoughtfulness and strategic action, both with our situation, and ourselves, we can markedly improve our chances of finding the healthy love we’re seeking. Good luck!

Barbara Ferullo, LMHC – www.thebostontherapist.com

# 13. Follow the 5 tips listed below

Dr.-Carrie-McCrudden

First, love yourself by enjoying your strengths and accepting your weaknesses

The first step to finding love is, paradoxically, something that begins, not by loving someone else, but by loving yourself. One of the easiest ways to start to love yourself is to understand and accept your unique strengths and weaknesses. If you are pretending you are perfect and have no flaws, you will likely be seen as unapproachable and rigid. Conversely, if you are totally down on yourself and can only see your flaws, you will likely be passed over for someone who has more confidence. The ideal here is to enjoy you for you, and to be able to understand what your unique strengths and weaknesses are. This way, if you are complimented you can really enjoy the compliment. And, when someone notices something not so great, you won’t need to be defensive or surprised.

Second, treat yourself the way you wish to be treated

This is really an extension of the concept of loving yourself. How can we expect our partner to treat us well if we don’t treat ourselves well? Are you constantly apologizing, downplaying yourself or beating up on yourself in your mind? Are you constantly critical of how you look? Are you spending time pleasing others but always leave yourself to last? It is high time to start treating yourself well. This includes pushing yourself to think kind thoughts, treat your physical body with love and care, and balance taking care of yourself with taking care of others.

Third, pursue activities that interest you and reflect who you are

When you go out in the world and do things that interest you, it makes you more interesting! Not only can doing things you like improve your mood, it can help you meet new people, and, when you start dating, it gives you something to talk about. Plus, this is just plain fun.

Fourth, know and HONOR your deal makers and deal breakers

You no longer need a huge list to find your ideal partner, you only need 2 short lists. The first is our top 3-5 deal makers. What qualities do you need your partner to possess to feel good in the relationship? This isn’t stuff like “tall, dark and handsome.” Deal makers are things like kindness, ability to fight fair, must be a family person. Then identify your top 3-5 deal breakers, the absolute must nots. Examples of deal breakers can be active addictions, doesn’t want kids, sexually incompatible. Now for the tricky part: walk away when your deal makers aren’t met, or deal breakers are there!

Finally, understand love is a practice, not a destination

As you pursue loving yourself and getting into a love relationship, remember that love is really a verb. It is a practice, a series of actions, repeated over time, with yourself and your partner. Love, love, love!

Dr. Carrie McCrudden, LMHC – www.coloradotherapycare.com

# 14. Embrace the 3 Spirituals Laws to find love

Diana-Lang

From a spiritual perspective, it’s pretty simple to attract your soulmate. But from the everyday perspective, you might not know it by the way it looks out there these days. Between depressing digital dating or worrying that all the good ones are taken, it’s hard to believe that our guy could be out there somewhere.

But he is. And he is looking for you too!

From a spiritual point of view, none of our fears make any difference at all, of course. For the manifestation of true love is all about the Spiritual Laws of Intention, Magnetics and Receptivity.

The first spiritual law is ASK. Ask and it is given. Not so easy to do, of course, because we must ask purely, and without doubt. If we doubt our worthiness or our lovability, our manifestation of our dreams are diluted by exact proportion!

And, if we try too hard, we can repel our answer. Think of a person that feels desperate for a job that posts 500 resumes. That energy is palpable by text, by email, and by interview. People sense it. The more desperately we feel we need something, the more likely we are to repel it – in exact proportion. It is like an alchemical formula. And it is always correct.

Conversely, the more sure you are of your goal, the more you know it, feel it, and expect it, the more attractive you are to it. The woman who knows her man is coming – who is just waiting for him to show up, and knows that the timing will be perfect – meets her man at the gas station pump, bumps into him at the market, or he sits right down next to her on the bus! She can’t get it wrong, and she cannot miss him. And neither can he.

But how do you make yourself attractive to what you really, really want? The very word attractive holds the answer. It’s not about being more beautiful, or charming, or sexy, or clever. Those qualities are simply natural extensions of your intention and who you are. It’s about learning to become more magnetically attractive to what you want.

By setting your intention clearly, from your innermost self, you may not attract a hundred dates, but you will attract your one true love. And the good news is, one is all you need.

The 3 Spiritual Laws for Finding True Love

1. Ask – Be very clear in your intention. Write it down. Feel it in your body. Expect it.

2. Prepare – Love yourself. Make your home, your life, and yourself attractive to YOU.

3. Receive – Be receptive. Stay open. Don’t get discouraged or impatient. Impatience is the greatest detriment to positive manifestation.

When your love comes you will know. It won’t be confusing or maybe. It will be sure as lightning. You will feel it in your bones. You will know it in your heart.

And you will recognize each other.

For, of course, it will be mutual.

Diana Lang, Counselor and Author of Opening to Meditation – www.dianalang.com

# 15. Ask yourself the below questions

Dr.-Maurita-Hodge

I just recently had a conversation with a friend who shared some of her concerns about finding love.
I had to ask the question that some think is so easy to answer – How do you define love and how would you recognize you were in love or if someone were in love with you? After much concentrated thinking, she rolled her eyes and did not want to continue the conversation.

So I took a different approach and asked her the following questions:

– How did you know you received (or did not receive) love from your caretaker as a child?

– When was the first time you recognized you had feelings (whatever they were) for someone you were interested in during your teen years?

– In your relationships during adulthood, what was the one need (sense of belonging/friendship/intimacy; self-esteem/confidence/respect; security/safety; and, food/shelter/water) you hoped your partner could fulfill?

While the questions opened up the conversation, I asked her to do the following:

– Identify the themes in her past and present behaviors that drove her relationships (e.g., cried when person left the room; fight when sad; told everyone you loved them; gave friends money; etc.);

– Identify the individual who made the most significant impact on her life in childhood, teen years and adult life thus far (e.g., parents, best friends; grandparents; etc.);

– Determine why she looked to this individual to meet her needs at each stage (e.g., too young; person reminded me of my father; person told me I was pretty; etc.); and,

– Identify who is currently responsible to meet her needs today (where/are they qualified?).

During this conversation, my friend was able to understand how her definition of love changed throughout the years and how her behaviors/responses to it sabotaged her efforts in getting her needs met in adulthood, often feeling unfulfilled in and out of relationships. While she was not responsible for meeting her needs as a child, she now knows she is responsible for meeting her needs as an adult. My friend is on a journey in developing a healthy understanding of what love looks like and feels like to her which will afford her an optimistic outlook for what’s to come.

My Lovelies, take the same journey and then ask yourself – what is my definition of love?

Dr. Maurita Hodge – www.movingmountainsconsultingllc.com

# 16. Try the simple “Mirror Work” exercise

Cheryl Mlcoch

Before you go on your hunt for love, be sure to do a bit of soul searching first! The energy you give out is what you will attract! Spend some time gaining awareness of those areas where you may have built barriers towards yourself or others due to your life experiences. One of the strongest beliefs that can block your heart and mind from attracting love is “I am unlovable”. A women’s inner voice is a measure of her self-worth and love for herself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you possibly attract love or keep it if you do find it?!

Some women will take the chance at love, but eventually this inner voice will get louder and could ultimately sabotage the relationship. Being aware that this critical inner voice even exists is step number one! One way to measure the intensity of this critical voice is by doing a simple “Mirror Work” exercise from Louise Hay. This helps to open the doorway to your Soul so your heart can begin healing and leading the way instead of your self-defeating thoughts and beliefs.

Begin by taking a deep breath, look in the mirror, and say these words while looking at yourself as much as possible:

“I love you, insert your name. I really, really love you. You are my best friend, and I enjoy living my life with you. Experiences come and go; however, my love for you is constant. We have a good life together, and it will only get better and better. We have many wonderful adventures ahead of us and a life filled with love. All the love in our lives begins with us. I love you. I really love you!”

Take a moment to write down what emotions come up for you. Do you have physical sensations in your body and where are they located? Do the exercise two more times and notice if anything changes.

Your inner healing needs to take priority before you go on the hunt for love if you notice:

1. It is difficult to look at yourself in the mirror
2. Many negative emotions or thoughts come to the surface
3. Your body is flooded with uncomfortable sensations

The next step in awareness is knowing where this voice came from. Who in your life planted this seed? Was it a parent? A sibling? A bully? A past failure? Trauma?

This can be a difficult task to do on your own, so finding a counselor who can help nurture this awareness and further healing is worth it in the long run. Combining counseling with energy healing for your Chakras (wheels of energy throughout the body) can work beautifully!

Be proud of yourself for taking this big step in cultivating and nurturing self-love so that you are able to give healthy love and receive the love you deserve in a relationship.

Cheryl Mlcoch, M.S., LPC – www.woundedhealercounseling.com

# 17. Follow the steps listed below

Heather-Leavesley

If you’re reading this article, congratulations to you. It means you’re in a space of creating the reality you want for yourself. Setting an intention is very powerful, but only when we follow through by living in ways and making choices that are aligned with our intentions.

Knowing how to prepare yourself for true love starts with an understanding of what true love is not and what it is. True love is not desperation, neediness, or fear based. True love is not about intense passion, though that can be a wonderful aspect of a true love relationship. True love happens between two strong, autonomous people who have the ability for healthy interdependence. In other words, two people who know and honor themselves, while also being able to honor their partner. With true love there is a genuine, loving desire to give and a healthy ability to receive.

The good news is that there are absolutely things you can do to prepare yourself for true love. The things you can do are all about understanding yourself and taking steps to grow emotionally to develop the abilities needed to be in a true love relationship. When you have these abilities, others who don’t have them won’t be attractive to you.

We all create relationship experiences based on our fears, expectations, and neediness. When we haven’t found true love, blaming (others or ourselves) is a natural initial reaction. To prepare for true love we need to move out of blaming into understanding what we’ve done in the past and doing the self-development to show-up differently in the future.

Understand how you are responsible for creating your past love experiences.

The four steps below are recommended to help you understand where you are in being able to have a true love relationship. You can do these on your own through journaling, you can do them with support from family and friends, or you can find professional coaching or psychotherapy help.

1. Identify all the fears that you bring into relationships. These fears burden your relationship, create neediness, and are trigger points for emotional reactions like anger, anxiety, or depression and behaviors like attacking, fleeing, withdrawal/shutting-down, or unhealthy self-soothing activities.

2. Identify all the fears that keep you from being wholly in a relationship. These fears create a dynamic that can be triggering to your partner and cause you to sabotage your relationships.

3. Define your relationship template from your family of origin. We are drawn to recreate the relationship dynamics that are familiar. Often we mistake what’s familiar for true love because we assume what we grew up with is true love. On the flip-side, if what we grew up with was clearly unhealthy, we may do a pendulum swing to an opposite extreme that’s not a true love template either.

4. Define your dance steps in your relationship(s). Identify what things trigger you, what you do in response to being triggered, what your partner(s) has(have) done in response to your move, and then your follow-up behavior. You likely have a predominant dance that you do in response to multiple triggers, and may have other secondary dances. If you’ve done the previous 3 exercises, you should have lots of insight into your dances – what they’re about and where they came from.

Follow self-growth action plans.

Self-awareness in itself is helpful in preparing us for true love. It allows us to be accountable for our reactions, make reparations when appropriate, and start to practice doing something different. Taking further steps to promote healing and growth to change how we show-up in relationship is even more powerful in preparing us for true love. Below are some things you can do.

1. Have a meditation practice. Meditation has been shown to build resiliency and reduce emotional reactivity. That means it can be a tool in shifting us out of automatic, reflexive responses, which we’ve seen don’t promote true love.

2. Journal. Journaling can be a wonderful tool to help us be more resilient, process extreme emotions and experiences, gain new perspectives, be less emotionally reactive, heal past traumas, and more. There are many different journaling techniques to promote healing and growth. If you’re interested, there are books that can introduce you to these techniques, or I recommend you find a journal training offered by a Certified Journal Trainer.

3. Follow a workbook program such as Calling In the One, by Katherine Woodward. Her workbook takes you through psychologically sound readings and exercises to help you prepare for true love. You can do such a program on your own, in a peer group, or in a group offered by a professional.

4. Work individually with a professional coach or therapist. Investing in working with the right professional can pay large dividends towards preparing you for true love. Sometimes the healing and growth work isn’t something we can do on our own and needs professional support. If that’s the case, remember the idea of creating the life you want for yourself, and know the investment in yourself and your vision is worth it!

Heather Leavesley, MA – www.hlcounseling.com

# 18. Follow the 5 tips below

Dr.-Heather-Gaedt

#1. Learn about yourself.

In order to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship, the first thing to do is to learn more about your unhealthy dynamics from your past relationships. Do you feel comfortable being single and/or not seeing anyone? If we are uncomfortable within ourselves, we could use relationships as a distraction from what we do not want to see in ourselves. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What dynamics are you reproducing from childhood in your relationships? A relationship inventory can be a helpful tool in the self-discovery phase by identifying who you are in each relationship you have been in. Therapy can help to identify patterns that may not be apparent to you.

#2. Give yourself time between relationships.

It can be very tempting to go from one relationship directly into the next one. It can help to stop a cycle of unhealthy behaviors by giving yourself time to grieve and reflect on your previous relationship/s. Infatuation feels good and can be addicting; therefore; many women find themselves jumping from one relationship into the next, only to see themselves reproducing the same unhealthy patterns. Infatuation usually wears off in the second year of a relationship and if we do not do the emotional work needed to stop detrimental patterns, then we will find ourselves in the same relationship with different people, time and time again. Give yourself time to find out who a person really is after the infatuation period wears off.

#3. If you are single, date a few different people at a time before committing.

Take it slow. An unhealthy pattern is meeting someone that you click with and spending every moment with them. This can lead to changes of your priorities and not having time for the things that mattered to you before meeting the person you are dating. In addition, there could be someone that could be healthier for you by opening up your schedule.

#4. Establish boundaries for yourself that you feel good about.

Before you start dating, it is important to figure out how you truly feel about having sex, kissing, holding hands, priorities, a schedule, etc. Once you are able to get clarity on your thoughts and feelings about important topic, the next part is being true to yourself and following through with what you feel comfortable with. This helps you increase self-worth.

#5. Continue spending time with your friends.

If you start to date or just begin to get into a relationship, continue doing self-care. Examples of this are: spending time with your friends, making time for your hobbies, doing things that make you happy that are separate from the new love interest. By continuing to do self-care, you continue to have your own life that is representative of you and your relationship can be an addition.

Dr. Heather Gaedt – www.drheathergaedt.com

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