How To Stop Putting Him on a Pedestal - How To Win a Man's Heart

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September 5, 2014

How To Stop Putting Him on a Pedestal

# 1. Understand that in a healthy relationship, both partners put each other on a pedestal.

Elayne Daniels

They are on the same level. They see eye to eye.

They speak highly of one another. They have mutual respect and connect with one another, emotionally and physically.

What happens, though, when women put their man on a pedestal?

The whole foundation of the relationship shifts. The foundation is no longer solid. Shaky ground is created, at least in terms of the health of the relationship.

By idealizing their man, women deny themselves a sustainable, healthy connection with him, and with themselves. They are always ‘reaching’ for him, his approval, his validation.

Visualize this, and the point becomes even more clear: A woman’s idealization of her man means she remains beneath him.

Maybe this is what was modeled to her in her family of origin. Or, maybe she fears this is the only way to ‘keep’ him. There are lots of reasons women idealize their man.

There are many reasons why some men may seek the pedestal. They may hold views that they are superior, and that the woman belongs beneath him. Again, perhaps this is what was modeled in his parents’ relationship. Maybe it is what he needs in order to feel like ‘da man’.

We are all beings with faults, flaws, and foibles. Perfection does not exist for any of us.

Bottom line: If you are going to put your man on a pedestal, get up there with him! Be sure he makes room for you up there with him.

If he doesn’t make room for you, it may be time to move on.

Dr. Elayne Daniels – www.drelaynedaniels.com

# 2. Pay attention to the red flags and don’t be negligent of your own needs

Brett-McDonald

Putting people on a pedestal is a great thing when they deserve to be there. Recognizing and appreciating all that someone is, all they have done for you is important and the hallmark of true character. However, there can be some negative consequences to the pedestal phenomenon.

Sometimes when we over-appreciate someone we become blind to aspects of our interactions with them that are harmful or negligent of our own needs. Sometimes the pedestal makes us reluctant to tell someone when they have hurt us. Gratitude can make us reluctant to ask for what we need–we tell ourselves “they have done so much for me already” and it feels burdensome and ungracious to ask for more. Before you know it, you end up placing them on a pedestal under which your needs and feelings have been thrown. In order to prevent this from happening, remember that healthy relationships involve a continuous feedback and nurturing loop, you to them, them to you. Once this exchange breaks down (as happens in the case of over-idealization) your relationship intimacy will break down as well.

To show your true gratitude to someone, take steps to ensure that your connection with them is a strong one, which requires you to be open and honest about your needs and perspectives. After all, a secure and mutually nurturing relationship is the best pedestal of all.

Brett McDonald, M.S., LMHC – www.thedragonflyretreat.com

# 3. Assess him for who he really is

Cynthia Pickett

Believe it or not it is disrespectful to put your partner, or anyone for that matter, on a pedestal. It is disrespectful because you are not seeing them or loving them for exactly who they are. Everyone deserves to be loved warts and all. I heard someone once say that a healthy love loves someone because of his flaws not in spite of them.

Love is not turning a blind eye it is having both eyes wide open. Infatuation is putting someone on a pedestal and seeing who you want to see not who/how they actually are.

When relationships begin and there is a rush of intense emotion that is a sure sign this is infatuation. That intense emotion, AKA rose-colored glasses will prevent us from seeing who a person really is. That intense emotion is actually you projecting upon your partner who you want them to be. You idealize them, or put them on a pedestal. That’s why they seem so perfect.

The truth is we need to see the red flags. Most of my clients tell me they see the red flags that indicate danger but ignore them! They think they are being non-judgmental and loving unconditionally by not paying attention to them.

There is a difference between assessing and judging. Assessing is realistically seeing a person for who they are and deciding if those red flags, those warts, are a good fit for you. It is not deciding good/bad or right/wrong it is just seeing what is. On the other hand judging is done with anger. It is about putting people down.

By keeping a budding relationship slow in the beginning, keeping the sex out of it for at least several months then gives you the opportunity to see who your potential partner really is. Then you can realistically decide if they are a good fit for you. By doing it this way there will be less ups and downs, a more even relationship and it has a much better chance at long-term survival.

Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC – www.cynthiapickett.com

# 4. The first thing to do is stop disregarding yourself and focusing only on him

Amy Sherman

Your relationship should be an equal partnership, based on respect, mutual understanding and acceptance. No one should feel “less than” or subordinate to another or be made into an idol, who can do no wrong. What a huge burden to place on someone, who is human. vulnerable and capable of making mistakes.

Are you guilty of this? See if you can relate to any of the following:

a. You expect your boyfriend to complete you, as if you are not good enough.
b. You believe he can do no wrong.
c. You overlook some of his bad behavior and make excuses for his inappropriateness.
d. You ignore what you need for the sake of the relationship.

How do you stop putting your partner on this pedestal, excusing bad behavior and not coming to terms with how you really should be treated?

The first thing to do is stop disregarding yourself and focusing only on him. The main problem lies, not in his behavior as much as it is in your behavior. You are lacking self-worth and need to acknowledge all that you do bring to a relationship.

You are a valuable, intelligent individual who is deserving of a strong, loving commitment. You won’t have that unless you bring your partner down to earth where he belongs. You need to see him, not as someone to idolize, but as someone to respect for his authenticity and sincerity. Allow him to be himself, with flaws, vulnerabilities and weaknesses.

It’s also unfair to him, since he has to live up to your unrealistic expectations. In addition, why give him free reign to treat you as he wants without any regard to what really makes the relationship work. With awareness, you can change all this. The situation requires you to reassess your innate value. Identify your unique qualities, your amazing gifts, your special talents and life-long experiences. Know that he is lucky to have someone like you in HIS life as you offer so much. Know that without your contribution to the relationship, he will not be all that he can be. And know that you respect yourself so much that you will not undermine your worth by accepting less than you deserve.

Just remember that people in the happiest relationships believe their partner sees them in a better light than they see themselves. To feel validated, understood, appreciated and wanted is the greatest gift you can receive in a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

# 5. The tendency to pedestalize is due to the fear of being let down, hurt, rejected and disappointed

Wendy-Whitmore

Pedestalizing – The act of placing your mate, loved one, child, friend, co-worker or acquaintance on a pedestal; only to discover that they are not perfect.

When we gain enough courage and open up our hearts to new friendships, relationships, and partnerships, we are making the conscious choice to love/trust again. In the beginning everything is picture perfect and the honeymoon phase is in full bloom. But for some instead of engaging in healthy, productive relationships, friendships or partnerships, they pedalstilize their new mate, friend or partner. And during this time we ignore truths, turn a blind eye to the obvious and walk in ignorance. And for those of us who have endured many heartbreaks, let downs and disappointments, we tend to place our new mate, partner or “friend” on a pedestal. By placing our new mate, partner or “friend” on a pedestal we run the risk of being bamboozled and hurt, let down or disappointed yet again.

So the question is why do we pedalstilize or new mates, friends and partners? Is our fear of being let down, hurt, rejected and disappointed so deeply embedded within, that we are willing to accept anything and live with lies? Are we so broken within that we tell ourselves that we will not endure another failed friendship, relationship or partnership, so we choose to live in ignorant bliss?

The problem with pedestalizing someone is that we accept anything b/c of our fears. When we choose to place our new friend, mate or partner on a pedestal we are doing it for our own benefit. It allows us to keep running from our fears and keeps us from facing the truth about ourselves; which is perhaps we are not yet ready to engage in new relationships, partnerships or friendships. Perhaps we have not yet dealt with why our previous relationships, partnerships or friendships did not work and the part that we played in their demise. And perhaps we are not yet ready to love/trust again and instead should be focused on conquering the fears that have our hearts & emotions bound.

Wendy Whitmore, MS, LMFT – www.truthhealingevolution.com

# 6. Knowing your values helps you not to put your partner on a pedestal

Lyndsey Fraser

Do you know what values you hold in a relationship? Knowing your values helps YOU establish what is essential. Once you know your values it is easier to not put your partner on a pedestal. It is no longer about what you provide but what you provide for each other. When one partner is on a pedestal there is no balance in the relationship. For relationships to work balance needs to be present.

I want you to try the five values exercise. In this exercise I want you to write down your top five values in a relationship. Here is an example of some values you may hold below:

  • Emotional intimacy
  • Spontaneity
  • Caring
  • Generous
  • Intelligent/knowledge
  • Stability
  • Privacy
  • Love
  • Transparency
  • Honesty
  • Trust
  • Loyalty
  • Security
  • Charity
  • Adventure
  • Affection
  • Empathy
  • Fidelity
  • Open minded
  • Recognition
  • Community

After you create your list of top five values I want you to define what each value means. For instance the value of Loyalty can have many different meanings. It could mean fidelity, putting the relationship first, or always speaking the truth. You want to assure that your partner knows what it means to you. This is a common disconnect, we say “Loyalty” is important but we don’t define it for our partner.

The last step is to discuss your values with a potential partner. Do you have similar values? Are there values you disagree? What values are essential for the relationship to be a good fit? What if your partner’s value is transparency and you have been putting him on a pedestal. The act of putting him on the pedestal might not meet his needs within the relationship. Without this discussion you would never know what your partner values.

The values exercise assists in creating balance in the relationship. When there is balance and transparency the relationship can flourish!

Lyndsey Fraser, MA, LMFT – www.relationalconnections.com

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