How To Use Curiosity and Self Interest To Get Your Ex Back - How To Win a Man's Heart

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November 25, 2014

How To Use Curiosity and Self Interest To Get Your Ex Back

Say, for example, a couple who has been together for a few years, decided to break up after realizing – in a heated argument – their irreconcilable differences. Consider, then, this typical after-break-up scenario where the guy feels he needs the space and the girl suddenly wants the guy back: girl calls, texts, email guy incessantly, and hangs out where she knows he’ll be at a certain time of a certain day.

In short, she’s making sure he notices her, and that he notices she is miserable without him.  Apart from making him see her in this woebegone state, she adds pleading, cajoling, flirting, nagging, crying, bullying, and trying to make her ex jealous to her arsenal – all to manipulate him to pay attention to her.  Sounds kind of familiar?

What is it about the above scenario that makes it a surefire way of losing an ex-boyfriend for good instead of getting him back?  Let’s backtrack a little bit and try to analyze the psychological factors involved here.

The human mind is hardwired to respond positively to two very powerful forces: self interest and curiosity.  Now, if you are always hanging around, badgering him – you’re not only making him NOT curious, but you are also making sure it is in his best interest NOT to get back with you.  How?

For one: curiosity.  In the above scenario, it would be easy for him to take you for granted – after all, despite everything, you are always there.  We humans generally tend to want what we can’t have (and we desire even more those that are barely out of our reach, but more of that later).  So if you are always around – calling him, making sure to be seen at his every turn – then you are not being out of reach, you are not making yourself desirable, and you are not piquing his interest.

For another: self-interest.  It is not in his best interest to be involved with a clingy, needy, and desperate girlfriend.  You are very probably making him feel relieved that he has escaped your possessive and smothering clutches.  You make it easy for him to cement his belief that breaking up with you was a very good decision.  That is the exact opposite of what you want to happen, right?

One other thing on self-interest: men also want to be appreciated.  You might think that making him see that you obviously can’t live without him is making him feel appreciated – stoking his gigantic male ego so to speak.  But that’s not how he sees it.  Men don’t need needy, weepy partners in their lives.  They definitely want someone who appreciates them but not someone who utterly depends on them.  Men value respect above all others, and the women they want in their lives are women who not only respect them but who, too, they can respect.  Makes sense?

So if you want your ex back, you’ve got to make self-interest and curiosity work for you and not against you.  How?

1. Make him curious. 

Step back from your ex’s personal space.  He will not be curious if you’re always handing out to him everything that you have been doing.  Keep out of sight.  I know it scares you to think that if you’re out of his sight, you might be out of his mind – but that’s not going to happen if you stick to your overall strategy of getting him back of which piquing his interest is but a part.  In this case, the appropriate maxim would instead be: “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.

In stepping back, you want to start pulling yourself together and work on becoming a better you.  Once you get to that point where you are in a much better shape, let trickles of how good you are doing reach your ex via other people.  Make sure they’re just trickles, enough to make him curious.

When you do bump into him at some later time – and at that point, he’s been hearing some vague news about how wonderfully you’ve moved on – he’ll sit up and take notice and find out for himself how you’ve been.  Keep it casual and friendly, you don’t want to fall to pieces now after working so hard to keep it together.  Remember that positive energy is very attractive.

This is where you start staying just out of his grasp.  More than wanting what they can’t have, men desire what’s just out of their grasp even more – simply because it is something that they can possibly have given enough time and effort on their part.

2. Make it serve his self-interest.

When you’ve had that chance to make small talk with your ex – say when you bump into each other at a deli or a function or a mutual friend’s gig – work this strategy into the very short conversation.  After the initial greeting, you’ll be sure to ask each other “so, how are you doing?”.  Don’t give a winded answer – keep it all positive and be stingy with details – and listen attentively to his.  Make a few comments about whatever is very noticeable about your surroundings – the new arrangement of the deli, the objectives of the functions, or your friend’s party – and find a way to conclude the talk after a few minutes (e.g., indicate to him that you see someone you want to talk to or are hurrying to get somewhere).

This would be the perfect time to drop your bombshell – “and oh, by the way, I’ve been meaning to thank you for helping me out with my project last time, it’s been doing amazingly since and your help has been very instrumental to that.  Have to go, catch up with you later!”  And, with a smile, turn to leave.  You’re not being rude as long as you’ve already mentioned that you’re leaving before dropping that.

Can you just imagine the look on his face when you do this?  I certainly can!  You will be running through his mind: “what was it that I did that helped?” or “what’s this project?” or “how amazing did this project turn out to be?”  He’ll be burning to know!  Just make sure there really is something to follow this through but I’m sure, given how long you’ve been together, there’s always something that needs a belated appreciation.

Now you can even combine these two in one short go.  Instead of sending him a pleading, begging text message or voice mail or email, how about leaving him with something like this: “Hey Matt! It’s Angie.  I’ve received some really good news about my project and I’d like you to know that I truly appreciate your part in making that successful.  I would love to thank you personally – least I could do.  Call me?”  Notice how it is all about being positive?  Not only will you make him curious, but you’re making him feel good about himself.  How can he resist making that call?

About T W Jackson

T W Jackson is the author of Magic of Making Up and he has helped over 15,000 couples in over 57 countries get back together. To know more about T W Jackson, visit his website below.