Interview With Bonnie Gayle - How To Win a Man's Heart

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January 8, 2015

Interview With Bonnie Gayle

1. As a Body Liberator what are some of the most common issues that your female clients face and how do you help them?

Every woman that I have worked with is beautiful in her own way however she doesn’t feel or think she’s beautiful. This isn’t shocking because 80-90% heavily dislike how they look most of the time which directly affects how they feel about themselves and show up.

I mostly work with women on:

Changing the messages and words they think and tell themselves
Encouraging body movement into their day so they can get out of their head and feel their body
Releasing negative messages and old patterns with writing & vision boarding
Elimination of self-deprecating language.

2. Some of our subscribers suffer from body image issues especially as they age. They feel inadequate and undesirable especially as they compare themselves with other women. And to make matters worse some become so skeptical that they feel that men only desire young, beautiful looking women. Can you share some practical strategies to overcome these negative beliefs?

Feeling good about yourself, sexy and alive comes from within. You don’t have to be the most beautiful woman in the room to be the most desired. You have to feel beautiful to emanate beauty and beauty comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. Beauty is NOT a one-size-fits-all vision. What attracts people, both men and women alike, is confidence which comes from within. When you feel confident, you show up in a whole different way both physically and energetically. Confidence is your attraction factor.

Three tips to overcoming negative beliefs are:

1. Writing the message “I love you. You are beautiful.” On 3 sticky notes. Place one on the refrigerator door, one on your mirror you get ready in front of in the morning and the last on the door you leave to go out into the world. Each time you see the note, stop and look at it. Then say the words out loud 3 times.

2. At least twice a week, take a relaxing bath using some lavender oil to relax yourself. Lay in the bath for at least 20 minutes and really look at your body. Start with your feet and tell your feet how much you appreciate them for… and move up your body doing the same with all the body parts until you finish with your face.

3. Keep a daily release journal that you write in for at least 5 minutes a day. Prior to writing, ask the Universe to “allow you to open up and release in your writing any negative messages you are holding onto in your cellular body that are holding you back from feeling beautiful”. After you’ve been doing this writing for some time, if you really want to get into what you’re holding onto subconsciously, do the release writing with your non-dominant hand. After each writing, thank yourself for being open and releasing.

3. Great tips! One of our subscribers recently commented on how she feels good and positive when she listens to a motivating speech or when she reads a self help book but it doesn’t take long for her to get bombarded with negative thoughts. The daily grind and routine of life seems to quickly negate any positive progress she makes. In her words, when I take one step forward, within no time I am pushed three steps back.

Can you share any practical strategies that can help women to not just feel good in the moment but work towards a positive change that lasts?

Positive Body Image is a daily practice not a one-time thing you can do to fix how you feel. Unfortunately it’s not one event that caused the issues that are now showing up all the time. You are continuously hearing and seeing reflections of society’s unattainable standards of beauty in magazines on billboards, and online at least 15+ times a day. If they are not released, how do you expect to be able to maintain positive feelings and thoughts about yourself? It would be impossible. This is why constant positive reinforcement of positive messaging along with releasing emotional cellular pain is necessary. This way when life gets overwhelming you have tools to cope in a healthy way without beating yourself down, taking it out on yourself, and feeling badly.

The biggest work is release writing which is going to take some time and effort and be emotional at times. The more you release via your writing (hand writing) not typing keys on a computer, the better you feel along with positive reinforcement. Negative body image is showing up in children even as young as 4 or 5 years old and affects almost all women in some way. 98% of women feel uncomfortable with something about themselves. What I’m suggesting is to help you be less vulnerable. There is no fix.

4. Some women feel so stressed out and overwhelmed due to their work, family commitments, relationships etc. that they have very little to no sex drive. How common is this issue and how can women work towards getting their sex drive back?

Women lose their sex drive or libido for many reasons including: being in their head and not in their body, hormonal imbalance, stress, menopause, environment, and many of the medications they are taking. 43% of women have sexual dysfunction which includes loss of libido. 60% of menopausal women have sexual problems many of which include loss of libido and these numbers don’t include post menopausal women. What these numbers reflect is that low libido and lack of sex drive is a common problem.

There are things you can do to help wake-up your libido many of which depend on what the low sex drive is stemming from.

1. Spend some time when you get home from work or doing your day getting out of your head and into your body by doing something physical. Put on some meditational music and stretch, put on dancing music and dance or put on your headphones and go out for a walk. Focusing on the music and letting your mind go free is great if you’re someone who’s always multitasking and doing a million things.

2. Get your hormones checked and see what you can do naturally to get them more balanced. I don’t suggest hormone replacement therapy because that can be dangerous for many women who have Cancer historically in their family or personally.

3. Find out the side effects of medication you are taking in relationship to libido. Many types of anti-depressants have side effects of low libido along with several other medications.

4. Deep breath work. Yoga and deep breathing can really help get your Chakras opened and stimulate your sexual Chakra. This can take practice but it can really help over time.

5. I personally use a topical organic sexual product, called Sex Butter that lubricates and gently stimulates the nerves enough to wakeup the libido. When I hit peri-menopause 10 years ago my sex drive and vaginal lubrication were drastically affected. A few years later, after a lot of pain, I founded Sex Butter, which has not only saved my sex life but it enhanced it too! The best part is that upon application, in only minutes you feel sexual desire.

5. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man. Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex?

I don’t know that there is a “right time to have sex” in general because people are so different in their beliefs and attachments especially when sex is part of the equation. Personally, I feel it’s a case by case decision.

I was single most of my life until recently (I’m almost 51) and I have been sexually active whether I was in or not in relationships. If there was someone I wanted to be sexually active with; we were practicing safe sex; and we were honest about what we wanted and where we were at emotionally. I currently have and have always had a full and active sex life, allowing me to experience an abundance of sexual pleasure. If you can enjoy sex safely without hurting anyone, why not?

6. One reason why women tend to be stressed out is because they tend to place everyone else above themselves including their friends and family. When they spend money or time on themselves, they usually feel guilty. How can women overcome this habit and stop beating themselves when they engage in self care?

Most women don’t understand that a woman can only give from a place of what she has to give. By putting herself last she’s depleting herself and by not spending money on herself she is depriving herself. So whatever she gives from this place will always show up from a place of limitation instead of abundance. The giving will always fall short in some way whether she realizes it or not. If you put yourself first and gift freely from that place both she and the receiver will be fulfilled. By understanding that, there is no need for her to feel guilty, beat herself up or feel badly in any way for taking care of herself. She just needs to give herself the permission and know that she is deserving and so are those who she gives to.

7. In your own personal life, you suffered from body image issues as well. What was the defining moment when you finally decided to change things around? What were the main challenges that you encountered as you were trying to change for the better?

I had also suffered from an eating disorder which almost killed me at the age of 28.. It wasn’t until after I got the eating disorder under control that I understood how uncomfortable I was in and with my body. I was obsessed with how I looked and scrutinizing body parts constantly. Knowing that I was so uncomfortable in my body made me realize that I still had work to do on myself. I was about 35 years old at the time and now that I look back I had body image issues as young as 7 or 8 years old. I never saw myself as I was even when I was a competing runner at 15 with what I now see as a perfect body looking back at past photos.

The biggest challenges were that looking at what was causing the body obsessions were the same things that made me want to binge and purge again and I knew that wasn’t an option for me anymore. What I felt inside was a lot of pain that needed to be released. I thought I had done all that work and came to found out that was not the case. There was so much I blocked out that I needed to let go of and there wasn’t a “How To” book that led the way and nobody was talking about these issues at the time. I had to find my own way.

8. You mentioned that you were single until recently. A number of our subscribers feel the pressure of a ticking biological clock and tend to put themselves under a lot of pressure and stress in the search for Mr. Right. Due to their past negative experiences and a limited time window, they tend to be clingy and desperate. What advice do you have for women who are worried whether they would ever be able to find the right man?

If you come from a place of neediness or desperation you will most likely attract a man who is going to control you and you will never be happy. In my opinion, you want to come from a place of happiness, strength, and openness so that you attract someone healthy minded especially if you want to have children and plan on spending the rest of your life with this person.

In my case, the biological clock wasn’t ticking because I knew I didn’t want to have children or be a mom which presented its own set of challenges because most men want kids. I knew from early on I didn’t want the responsibility and I was always honest with men about that. Most of my longer relationships broke off because in the end, they thought I would change my mind if I loved them. I chose to stay true to my feelings and I have never regretted that decision. I ended up with an amazing man for me who I wouldn’t have met otherwise.

9. What are your top 3 tips for women that are struggling with body image issues?

– If you’re struggling with body image issues, get help for it. You cannot do it alone.

– Overcoming body image is an ongoing practice of clearing out the negative thoughts and feelings you are carrying around. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Don’t forget you are constantly being bombarded with negative body messages in the media and online, so it’s important to stay consistent with your practices to stay in positive mindset.

– Hang out with positive people. The more positive you are, the more you will attract positive people who will build you up instead of tearing you down.

10. What books or resources would you recommend for women that are looking to improve their body image and self esteem?

Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner by Pamela Madsen

Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance by Rosie Molinary.

Transforming Body Image: Learning to Love the Body You Have by Marcia Germaine Hutchinson

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.

Read My Hips: How I Learned to Love My Body, Ditch Dieting and Live Large by Kim Brittingham.

About Bonnie Gayle

Bonnie Gayle, Body Image & Intimacy Expert and the Co-Creator of Sex Butter, educates and speaks on how to feel comfortable & confident in your body, connect intimately & step into your personal sensual and sexual power. Her product Sex Butter, a sexually empowering butter made with organic plant based oils is infused with messages of love and healing. Bonnie work involves; releasing body bondage, loving yourself, and inspiring sensual & sexual freedom to open up intimacy in a whole new way!

To know more about Bonnie, visit her website