Interview With Dr. Martha Tara Lee - How To Win a Man's Heart

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January 22, 2015

Interview With Dr. Martha Tara Lee

1. As a sexologist what are some of the most common issues that your female clients face and how do you help them?

The most common issue women come to me for is Vaginismus. It is a condition where a woman’s vagina tightens up in anticipation of penetration, making sex difficult or impossible. I have worked with more than 250 women in this situation over the last five years, and decided to launch my online program Sex Possible in 2014.

Sex Possible www.eroscoaching.com/sex-possible

For more, www.eroscoaching.com/2012/07/for-ladies-who-cannot-have-sex/

The next most common issue is low sex drive. Often a woman does not feel like having sex after juggling all the demands of life, which include work commitment, household duties, and parental obligations. There is so little time left for themselves, and they often do not realise they are burning at both ends of the candle. Even those who recognise that they are oevrwhelmed often don’t see how they can have better balance in their lives.

2. Some women feel so stressed out and overwhelmed due to their work, family commitments, relationships etc. that they have very little to no sex drive. How common is this issue and how can women work towards getting their sex drive back?

I encourage my female clients to take small steps to regain their hold on life – but especially in prioritising self-care and self-love. This may include teaching them skills on negotiation, compromise, as well as in receiving and surrendering. I may suggest that they learn how to return to their bodies and pleasure, rather than be in their heads all the time. Activities like yoga,meditation, mindful breathing or going for a massage, beauty treatment helps her to calm down her nervous system.

I also teach a weekly practice called The Art of Feminine Presence which is very effective in teaching women skills that deal with life from a place that is centred, grounded and powerful.

3. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man. Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex?

I believe that nobody should tell a woman when she should or could have sex. We are so afraid as a society about the topic of sex and sexuality that we think sharing or implementing rules and guidelines will help women navigate the world of dating more easily. Perhaps there is a mistrust in a woman’s ability to take care of herself, and hence wanting to protect her. All these actually causes more confusion and despair. Regardless of the reason, such acts actually leads us to distrust ourselves and our own behaviours. If there is fear in anything a person sets out to do, the outcome is likely to be less than ideal.

What women should really be taught is how to hone our intuition, love and honor ourselves – including our bodies, and trust that we can handle whatever life hands us. We can then make decisions in all aspects of our lives that are empowered and right for us. We will consequently lead from experience, including bad ones, and mature and grow as a result from them.

4. You mentioned that you help women embrace their femininity. In your words, what is femininity, how does it help women and can you share some tips on what women can do to be more feminine?

We all have masculine and feminine aspects in us – whether male, female or questioning. The masculine is the side of us that is focused, driven and gets things done. The feminine side is part that is still, quiet and all-seeing. We need both. When we live in a fast-paced society which emphasizes a lot on results, it is easy to forget, ignore or even view as useless our feminine side. Activities that allow us to go within can hone our feminine aspects include: going for walks in nature, yoga, meditation. A very powerful practice is The Art of Feminine Presence which I teach. I am currently the only teacher within Asia.

5. Some of our subscribers suffer from body image issues especially as they age. They feel inadequate and undesirable especially as they compare themselves with other women. And to make matters worse some become so skeptical that they feel that men only desire young, beautiful looking women. Can you share some practical strategies to overcome these negative beliefs?

In my experience speaking and working with older women, it is undeniable that as women age, men seem to pay less attention to them. This can be devastating for them, as they share with me, feeling unseen, unheard and invisible. This is why it is very important that we work on having an amazing relationship with our body and sexuality – where our sense of self-worth doesn’t come from only external validation.

Practical strategies

– Do your best. It’s often said that it is less about what you have, than what you do with what you have. The right colors, pattern and fit of our clothes can accentuate our features and figure. Accessories and makeup done in the right way can flatter and enhance.

– Focus on feeling great. Looking good and wearing clothes we love helps us to feel great. Other things such as a healthy diet and regular exercise helps us to be our absolute best selves. We pay attention to beauty, and it should be beauty that inspires and lights you up from within. This shows in your physical, emotional and psychological state.

– Take the time. We give so much to people around us, but we forget that we need to be responsible to ourselves first. After all, if we want to continue being loving to others, we need to be get our house in order – meaning take care of ourselves first. This means taking time off to go off and do things that fills us up separately from being with our partners or kids.

– Positive self-talk. Affirmations are statements we tell ourselves in the present tense, are positive and we don’t have to believe in them. They usually start with “I am…”. Use affirmations to change the way you think about yourself e.g. “I am beautiful”, “I am whole and complete.”

– Be grateful. People who complain about this or that feature of their body may wish to reframe such as having all five senses, being healthy, being cancer-free. Practice gratitude for what you do have, rather what you don’t have e.g. curly vs. straight hair, clear skin vs. cute freckles.

– Trust the ongoing process. We may wish to tackle developing a more positive body image as an on-going process, and chip at this seemingly insurmountable task one bit and one day at a time. This may include seeking out body-based workshops like belly dance; or coaching from a certified sexologist.

6. Women may be in relationships where their sexual needs are not met by their partner but they don’t know how to express it to their man. How can women be more direct and ask for what they want when having sex?

Some tips around discussing sex with your partner may include:

– Finding the right moment. This could be at a time when you know he is more receptive and open, for instance when he is unwinding after dinner over a glass of wine.

– Keep it light. It is less about what you say, than the way you say it. Remember to have warmth and love in your tone of voice.

– Small bites. Choosing to raise your concerns or questions one at a time if there are several – starting with the most pressing e.g. if you are experiencing sexual pain.

– Let go of your fear. If you focus on your fear, it will expand. Focus on your belief that everything will turn out for the better because you taking the step to be honest and vulnerable.

– Trust. Come what may, trust in yourself. Decide that you will not let his reaction affect you, but rather, believe that you can handle any negative consequences if they happen.

– Prepare for the worst. He may take it badly. If what you feared most happened, what could you do to salvage it? Having a plan really helps to ease your nerves, and if so doing, prevent the worst-case scenario from taking place.

7. Some women aren’t able to enjoy sex because of guilt, regret, anger, resentment etc. What are some ways for women to release these hidden blocks to pleasure and ecstasy?

My favorite technique is very simple but works really work. I teach my clients this technique too. It is called Lindwell Releasing, and it starts with “I release…. (name your block).” Some tips about using this includes in 1) following the pain (which we tend to avoid, deny or suppress); 2) being as specific as possible; 3) repeating it a statement resonant within you (there may be more layers to release). This is a free video about this technique I made.

8. Another issue our subscribers face is their men watching porn. They are concerned, worried and feel that their partners don’t really love them because they watch porn. What advice do you have for women who are worried about this issue?

Rather than be upset abut your partner watching porn or immediately jump tot he conclusion thta he may be addicted to it, recognize that most men don’t see anything wrong with watching porn because they 1) see it as entertainment; 2) see it as an aid to help them attain orgasm/ ejaculation faster; 3) see it as a friend i.e. become comfortable with its use over time; 4) use it for comfort i.e. masturbation and porn become one and the same way to self-soothe (think ejaculate so as to relieve stress and sleep better).

As such, it is easier to understand why men view porn very differently than women. Coming at him as it being “wrong” will come across as moralistic. Having said that, increasingly, men are coming with issues around their erection and ejaculation due to excessive use of porn, and not knowing their bodies well enough. They are aso found to be less able to connect emotionally with their partner and have higher or unrealistic sexual expectations in the bedroom. I would suggest exploring his attitudes and thoughts about porn, and explore whether it is possibly affects his ease and comfort with owning his sexuality instead.

9. What are your top 3 tips for women who want to be more sexually confident and assertive?

1. Spend time with themselves learning what makes us feel good, look good, and have lots of pleasure in lives and especially within our bodies. This does not need to be in a sexual way, but it definitely is related to our sensuality and sexuality.

2. Have a fantastic relationship with masturbation. The easier we can have orgasms by ourselves, the easier we can have an orgasm with our partner is certainly true. If we know what makes us feel good, we will be more confident and assertive in knowing and then asking for what we need, want or desire.

3. Keep learning. This includes being curious and open to different resources. Magazines often sensationalize and oversimplify things. It may be useful to look up online videos, trainings and books that sexologists like myself recommend or offer, or better yet, attend a sexuality education class in your cit if there is one running.

10. Can you suggest some books and resources that can help women be more sexually intimate with their partners?

1. Check out my downloadable e-book here

2. Get my book Love, Sex and Everything In-Between here

3. Red Hot Touch by Jaiya

4. The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida on male sexuality or to better understand men

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Founder of Eros Coaching, Dr. Martha Tara Lee is a Clinical Sexologist who conducts sexuality and intimacy coaching, and runs sexuality education events in Asia. She is compassionate, practical, honest, interactive and solution-focused. Dr. Lee incorporates a blend of conventional and alternative approaches and draws upon a variety of styles and techniques to support each client as they work to resolve both current problems and long-standing patterns.

To know more about Dr. Martha, visit her website www.eroscoaching.com.




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