Interview With Jackie Ruka - How To Win a Man's Heart

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January 4, 2015

Interview With Jackie Ruka

1. A number of my subscribers tend to be in the worry zone- they are worried that they are single, they are worried if they would ever find love, they are worried if the man they like will call them, they are worried if their relationship will last etc. What advice do you have for women who seem to be in a constant state of anxiety and worry?

Worry blocks the Universe from delivering you what is meant for you. In other words, the more you worry, the more you are telling the Universe for more worry. When you are feeling good about yourself, feeling good about your life, feeling good thoughts you become a beacon to attract love and all things GOOD to you! The best way to turn your worry around is by placing that energy into positive action or what I term as “conscious happiness.” Every ounce of energy that you utilize is a chance to choose pleasure and meaning, this leaves little room for worry but rather leaves it curbside.

In my book, Get Happy and Create a Kick-Butt Life!, I share a life enhancement technique to stop worry. I recommend you write on small pieces of paper your worries. Take those small pieces of worry and place them in a sacred decorative box ( name this box your “GOD” box) Release your worries to GOD or the Universe and unburden yourself from them, as if they no longer existed. When you are ready you and have separated yourself from these toxic thoughts, simply flush your worries down the toilet! Voila, you are renewed, beautiful and UNSTOPPABLE!

2. Another common problem my subscribers seem to face is deep rooted skepticism and bitterness especially those who have been repeatedly being rejected, dumped, cheated and abandoned by men. They reach a point where they are either burned out or they have completely lost faith that they can ever find the right man and be happy. How can women overcome this negativity and skepticism and cultivate a positive outlook and be hopeful?

It is common to feel skepticism about men or people who disappoint you, know you are not alone in feeling this way. As you navigate the healing process we are often left with unanswered questions, the why’s, the how come’s, the what did I do or say?

I am here to tell you, that you are ENOUGH! And a man certainly does not define you. However, when things don’t work out with someone whether it’s to do with love or any other kind of relationship it usually represents a lack of an agreement. Most of us who are not clearly communicating and forming agreements with each other, where both are on the same page, both will have different expectations. Expectations often lead to disappointment. So think about those love relationships and put yourself in the other person’s shoes for a minute, do you recall a conversation about exclusivity from him, or the word commitment or loyalty? Now, whether he shared these words with you or not, what did his actions portray?

If a person does not follow his words with actions or simply the actions tell you how they want to be with you, than there is a lack of integrity or incongruence taking place. This may not have to do with you at all, in other words, if a person cannot be honest with themselves, how can they be honest with you? So let’s go a step deeper, what is it about yourself that you are not being honest about? The more you become honest about yourself the more you will recognize and attract a healthy person who also loves them self. Until you are honest about feelings about YOU, you will continue to mirror yourself in another and repeat toxic feel good patterns.

To become happier and healthier start loving yourself more and stop seeking confirmation from external entities. Happiness is an inside job, take some time out for you and enjoy your life and do what you love to do. In most cases, you will meet the right person who loves to do similar things that you do! Be kind to yourself and choose someone who is kind to you, by doing so you must be BELIEVE you deserve happiness, you deserve love and you can start to receive this in return. But you must be open to receive. Start with a new mantra, I believe and I receive mantra ” I believe I am good and I am open to receive all that is good.” A mantra supplies positive energy all day long. The more you think and utilize your new mantra the sooner your life will change because all that occurs is how you respond to it. Change your response, change your attitude about it and recognize there is something far better awaiting for you.

Lastly, it is ok to feel sad, disappointed, anger, we must embrace our feelings in order to understand what happiness is for you. Feel your feelings and know that all feelings are fleeting. Ponder, contemplate, express those feelings in a healthy manner, as this leads you one step closer to a happier you!

3. You mentioned happiness is an inside job and it reminds me of the line from the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise says, “You complete me.” As incredibly romantic as it sounds, it resonated with how so many people enter into a relationship- expecting the partner to make them happy. We find a number of our subscribers embracing this flawed line of thinking where they seem to be too dependent on their partners to make them happy. You want to be in a relationship to be happier and not to be happy and if you are expecting a man to make you happy, you are setting yourself up for eventual failure and heartbreak. Can you share your advice on how women can ensure that in the course of a relationship, they don’t lose themselves and burden their partners to make them happy?

We are here on Earth school, as I put it, to learn unconditional love and to be happy. This may sound like a lifelong pursuit, however, it is quite simple when you learn the 3 pillars of a happiness practice ; Compassion, Gratitude and Altruism.

We live in a world of constant change and what centers you and keeps you balanced are the 3 legs of your happiness practice. Navigating the bumps and curves of a relationship it is common to react to another’s words and actions. To maintain your balance and individuality, practicing your own happiness becomes contagious, where your man or partner will feel an infectiousness of your bright aura and continue to want more of that. Let him or her come to you!

By being proactive about your own life and what fulfills you, will naturally align in a manner that you have gratitude for the little things in your life, you practice compassion by understanding another’s position and feelings and you are happy to serve and help others. This core alignment takes place in all areas of your life; your career, your social life, community, family, relationships where you are so fulfilled in all areas of your life that your love relationship is the cherry on top ! Therefore, your job is to be happy and be the star that you are, your man will be all over you and want to please you and make you happy. Let him! Receive love and pleasure and respond in a loving and pleasurable manner as men are simple and just want to be appreciated. Show him how much you appreciate him, this does not mean you need to lose your identity over it, ladies, it is simple act of love which will come back to you ten fold.

4. You rightly pointed out that it is okay to be sad, angry and disappointed. But sometimes our subscribers are so scared of losing their man or they refuse to accept the reality that the relationship is over and in the process, they numb their feelings or resort to desperate tactics. They resort to excessive texting and calling, dating other men just to make their man jealous, having sex with him hoping that would save their relationship etc. I guess the root cause of all these behaviors is to avoid pain- I don’t want to feel the pain of being betrayed, I don’t want to feel the pain of being dumped etc. How can women bravely face their fears instead of working towards avoiding them?

Our ego has a way of playing out our fears first and foremost. It is your job to NOT listen to your ego and think positive! The best strategy is to focus on your desires, not your fears!

Should you find yourself slipping into the “needy” default mode of someone completing you to the point that you are compelled to chase them down or resort to unhealthy tactics I suggest you STOP and take note that this is your ego being selfish and not accepting what is. How about learning the art of detachment? This is accepting that you are no longer together , forgiving yourself and the other party for any transgressions , leaving your past behind and disallowing it to define you.

In order to fill your own cup and not expect another to do this for you, the detachment process entails thoughts of; I love you, I forgive you, I wish you well, as a release practice toward a healthier form of acceptance and letting go to surrendering. We always have a choice and the best choice is recognizing what you have control over, which is your own thoughts and feelings, no one makes you feel the way you do, only you do. Take control of your “stuff” and focus on the good times you had in the relationship, take the lessons and blessings with you and practice gratitude. Write a letter of gratitude to the person you miss, don’t send it but rather express your gratefulness as a catharsis, I promise you will feel better .

Lastly, ask yourself what have you learned and how you can be a better person? Someone betraying you is a reflection of that person and his/her character, not yours. Character is key! So be the better person and operate from love not pain or fear. When you operate from pain or fear you are no better than the person who betrayed you and may end up doing an impulsive act that you will regret later. Know you are worthy of more as perhaps he just did not feel worthy of YOU!

5. Some of our subscribers experience extreme anxiety and fear when they go out on a date. This is especially true when women are coming out of a messy divorce or a toxic relationship. Some women even tell us that dating is a dreaded chore. How can women stop putting themselves under so much pressure and start enjoying dating other men?

Dating can be difficult following a toxic relationship and or divorce, if you feel dating is a chore than I do not recommend you start dating until you are in a better mind set about yourself and men. Society has a way of pressuring us to get back out there and be in a relationship. The most important relationship is the one with yourself first and foremost, if you are still feeling the open wounds of the past you will attract the walking wounded to you, not your ideal man, is it? So, ask yourself, would you want to come home to you?

Self acceptance, inner peace and confidence is sexy and so is having a life you love because you love yourself. When you are ready to have fun, play and enjoy the company of sharing who you are with a man, then go for it! Until then, give yourself some time to heal, enjoy life being single and detox any of the negative thoughts and emotions related to your past in the meantime.

6. Body image issues also seem to affect women especially as they age. They feel inadequate and undesirable especially as they compare themselves with other women. And to make matters worse some become so skeptical that they feel that men only desire young, beautiful looking women. Can you share some practical strategies to overcome these negative beliefs?

Comparison is the most self inflicted act anyone can do to themselves, so my comment to that is “Knock it off!” The practical way to feeling and being desirable is to make change that encourages this within you. So here are a few ways to feel desirable and attract a man despite your age:

1. Sounds cliche but do wear a color that is “your color”, one where people say to you, Wow, you look great in that color! Wear it often and buy a few items in those colors that show off your best features, eyes, legs, waist whichever are your best features, you will feel great and look great!

2. Remember that age is just a number, in fact you can be happy, healthy, successful and sexy at any age. Don’t allow your age to hold you back from a loving and affectionate relationship that you deserve. Start BELIEVING that you are deserving and stop using your age as an excuse. As my father has always said to me, “there is a lid for every pot”

3. Invite love into your life, literally. A fun and psychologically impactful way to stay on track with loving yourself, feeling good and opening your heart is to OPEN your self to the possibilities by writing an invitation to the Universe. On your laptop keep a draft of a letter to the Universe and invite the Universe to deliver TRUE LOVE to you or the type of love you desire. But be careful what you ask for , for example if you ask the Universe to deliver you a rich man, next thing you know you will be meeting a bunch of men named Rich! Invite what is meaningful to you.

4. Do what you love, if you love to dance go dance, if you like yoga take classes, if bowling is your thing, join a league, you just might meet that special guy or meet someone who wants to introduce you! The number one ingredient to the recipe for happiness is to be actively involved in what brings you a sense of accomplishment!

5. Lastly, exuding positive and attractive vibrations is key to men’s senses. There is a difference between a want and a need. If you feel you “need” a man, it is usually for all the wrong reasons, neediness is a repellant. Want is a desire from within that comes from the heart not your ego. Once you are aligned with your wants and feel it in your heart, you will naturally feel light, confident and “smiley” because you inevitably know something really good will be gifted to you, then sit back and relax. Your man is just around the corner and will love you for all of your unique qualities!

7. A number of our subscribers also suffer from being in relationships with years of resentment and hidden anger. This comes from lack of communication, lack of understanding, one partner compromising and sacrificing more than the other etc. What are some ways for women to effectively deal with resentment before it destroys their relationship?

As soon as resentment creeps in it’s time for a relationship “tuneup”. Every healthy marriage or partnership relies on a tune-up at least once a year, even if things are going great! If your man will not go for a relationship tune up with you, but you are willing to seek a coach or counselor for your own personal tune-up, then do so, this is an act of self love. There is always room for improvement and you both might learn more about each other’s love language and learn to communicate this based on his love language. Another way to simply keep your “stuff” in check is to recognize what is your”stuff” and what is his “stuff”. He may have an ex-wife or former issues that he had before he met you, if that is leaking into your relationship then this is his stuff, so don’t allow it to affect you, choose your battles wisely and vice versa. Determine what is the “our” stuff to work on in a productive manner. Lastly, ask for what you want in a positive way,for example “Honey, what would make me happy is going to xyz, I really enjoy our time when we are doing xyz, it makes me feel good being with you. By expressing a softer approach to expressing your wants, you will receive a soft response.

And if he is resentful of you , then you must decide at some point if the relationship is worth the work or if this is a deal breaker? I believe every problem has a solution but you must be willing to go within and do some of the heavy lifting and compromise. It is okay to renegotiate the agreements in a relationship but if you believe you have an agreement and he does not then your anger and resentment is based on an expectation . An agreement is when both parties are in agreement of the terms of the relationship, if the warranty has run out and the parts are breaking down, it might be time to form a new agreement?

8. Sometimes women who have successful careers feel the exact opposite when it comes to their personal relationships. One of the challenges they mention is struggling to transition from their masculine energy that makes them successful in their workplace to a feminine mode to be more successful in their romantic relationships. Can you share your advice on how women can overcome this problem?

As a woman, we must trust a man to please us . To flip the switch , surrender the warrior role that you have taken on in the workplace and resume a feminine role that pieces emotionally with your man. Part of this equation is to visualize taking off your work hat before you get home and slip into the role of being the recipient versus the decision maker. For example, a good friend of mine has a high stressed job and works tons of hours, she is a kick-butt manager at work, however, when she comes home her husband has a glass of wine already poured for her and she sits, relaxes and decompresses as her hubby takes care of her with dinner plans. He learned how tough her job is on her and she learned how her hubby really wants her to be happy when she arrives home. This takes practice with reminding yourself that you are a women first who deserves to be cherished and adored. Imagine what it feels like to be cherished and adored? If you can imagine it, you can do it and easily slip into the feminine role. Practice!

I struggled with this for many years as a successful business woman and I learned to flip the switch. Often, deep seated emotions of being the problem solver, rescue girl or caregiver role can be inherited from old family ties that may have been projected onto you or you took the reins yourself at one point and decided to have it ALL and be it ALL as the CEO of your life. You end up doing it all yourself which leaves no room for a man to enter your life and be the man. Allow the man to be the man, sit back, relax and receive as a form of embodying your feminine.

Lastly, pick three adjectives that men find most attractive about you, such as sensual, humorous and intelligent. Dress the part, fake it til you make it by focusing on those 3 adjectives to the point that you’re natural qualities prevents the masculine energy from entering in. Again , it takes practice.

9. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?

Be happy with who you are first and get super clear on what your heart truly desires based on your feelings and not external reasons for how your life needs to look on the outside with impressing others or what others think.

Don’t settle for the short term mister Right Now if there is no sign that he is interested in a long term relationship.

Exude what you want to attract. Walk your talk, if you want love, show it, if you want happiness, lift others up, if you want kindness, be kind to another.

10. What books or resources would you recommend for women that are looking to attract the right man and create long lasting fulfilling relationships?

The Four Agreements
The 5 Love Languages
Love Colors
You Can Heal Your Life

About Jackie Ruka

Jackie Ruka guides people from the breakdowns that lead to breakthroughs, knowing the best opportunities are the ones we create consciously. Coined as “America’s Happyologist” her mission is assisting you to reaching your personal power, following your heart and manifesting your dream. Jackie is a trained Art Therapist, founder of Get Happy Zone.com. and Author of the book, Get Happy and Create a Kick- Butt Life!

For more information on Jackie and her services please visit www.GetHappyZone.com.

To receive downloadable gifts with purchase of her new book, please go to www.gethappyguide.com.




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