Interview With Jude Bijou - How To Win a Man's Heart

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January 17, 2015

Interview With Jude Bijou

1. A number of our women subscribers find difficulty in attracting the right man especially women in their 40s and above. The common complaint we hear from women is that men in their age group seem to be more interested in younger women and the men that seem to be interested in them aren’t interesting to these women. What advice do you have for women who are frustrated with their dating experience and have become skeptical of finding Mr. Right?

Keep your goal in mind — finding Mr. Right. Just like there is a saying when a new band gains fame, “It only took us twenty years to become an overnight success.” Don’t lump all your previous candidates into the present. Keep on putting yourself out there. And maybe check and see if you’re looking in the appropriate places to find your man.

2. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life. What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?

To let go of the past, you need to deal with the emotional component of all of the past hurts, losses, violations, and perceived threats to your survival. That means cry when you feel sadness, stomp around or push against a wall when you feel angry, and shiver and shake when you feel anxious or scared. What’s most important while you express the physical energy is that you don’t swear or finger-point about how he did you wrong. Emotions are pure sensations in the body and the mind adds the interpretations and commentary. So while emoting, stick to making sounds or just naming the emotion, such as, “I feel so angry.” or “I’m feeling so sad. It’s okay to let it out.”

3. A common problem we hear from our subscribers is the fear of being alone and never finding the right man. This is especially common as women enter into their thirties. They see their friends getting married and even having kids, they are asked by friends and family when they are going to get married and they feel the pressure of a ticking biological clock. In the process, they approach their relationships from a place of fear, worry and anxiety.

Instead of enjoying their dates and conversing with men, they tend to interrogate them so that they can stop wasting their time and weed off the wrong men. They tend to fall too hard and too fast in love when they find a man they like but often that scares men away.

What advice do you have for women who approach relationships from a place of worry and how can they shift from a clingy, desperate vibe to an empowered, joyful zone?

First, they need to shiver and shake, making sounds like brrr or eeek to move the fear energy out of their body. This will need to be done repeatedly, especially when they start worrying. Along with that they need to figure out their destructive worry-desperate thinking and contradict it, repeating 100,000 times something along the lines of “Everything will be all right. I’m whole and complete. Relax. Take it slow. One day at a time. Be here now. Everything is unfolding in its own time.”

4. One of the famous lines from the movie Jerry Maguire is “You complete me.” As incredibly romantic as it sounds, it resonated with how so many people enter into a relationship- expecting the partner to make them happy. We find a number of our subscribers embracing this flawed line of thinking where they seem to be too dependent on their partners to make them happy. You want to be in a relationship to be happier and not to be happy and if you are expecting a man to make you happy, you are setting yourself up for eventual failure and heartbreak. Can you share your advice on how women can ensure that in the course of a relationship, they don’t lose themselves and burden their partners to make them happy?

Three things:

1. Remember the airlines spiel — In the unlikely event of a change in cabin pressure, affix your own oxygen mask before helping others. Make up a little mantra, something along the lines of “My job is to take care of myself” “I’m whole and complete.” or “Only if I take care of myself can I take care of you.” Repeat your chosen phrase over and over out loud daily for a few minutes, focusing on the meaning of what you are saying, and interrupting all the “Yeah buts”.

2. Have a discussion with your partner, confessing to your desire to strike a balance between him or her and you, and together set aside times for weekly independent activities.

3. Find a buddy for accountability and tell them of your plan to do independent activities during the week and check in regularly so you can keep on track.

5. Sometimes our subscribers are so scared of losing their man or they refuse to accept the reality that the relationship is over and in the process, they numb their feelings or resort to desperate tactics. They resort to excessive texting and calling, dating other men just to make their man jealous, having sex with him hoping that would save their relationship etc. I guess the root cause of all these behaviors is to avoid pain- I don’t want to feel the pain of being betrayed, I don’t want to feel the pain of being dumped etc. How can women bravely face their fears instead of working towards avoiding them?

There are just 3 emotions behind all of our pain and that we try to avoid — sadness, anger, and fear. If you realize it’s natural to feel them, and express the pure physical sensations in your body, then it’s as simple as that. You don’t have to get stuck in your head and repeat the same old poor me, he or she did me wrong thinking. Better to have some good cries, while saying the dreaded “G” word — “good-bye. It’s over. Thank you. I wish you well.” If you face the reality and honor the emotions in a pure way, you will quickly move through the pain and be ready to move on with your life in a constructive manner.

6. A number of our subscribers also suffer from being in relationships with years of resentment and hidden anger. This comes from lack of communication, lack of understanding, one partner compromising and sacrificing more than the other etc. What are some ways for women to effectively deal with resentment before it destroys their relationship?

To let go of past resentment you need to move the anger energy out of your body physically and constructively. This is done without words. You need to stomp around, push against a wall, or pound a pillow, just making sounds to move the pure energy sensation. The operative words are “hard, fast, and with abandon.” Think about a child having a temper tantrum, or better yet, lie on your back on your bed and kick and flail.

With the energy dissipated you will be clearer and can figure out what you need to say and do so you don’t feel resentful. This often means you need to communicate more constructively. That means speak up following some simple guidelines. You must stick to talking about yourself (not the other person) about one specific incident at a time, sharing what is true for you with kindness in mind. And listen with love. There is always at least two sides to any issue.

7. One reason why women tend to be stressed out is because they tend to place everyone else above themselves including their friends and family. When they spend money or time on themselves, they usually feel guilty. How can women overcome this habit and stop beating themselves when they engage in self care?

Repeat the mantra “My viewpoints and needs are as important as yours.” Over and over daily, interrupting all the naysaying and guilty chatter. Focus on the meaning of the words and what you are saying. 100,000 reps might do it. It’s a battle. Think about how many times you’ve told yourself the opposite. Then schedule some activities to honor yourself or pamper yourself and follow through, repeating your mantra and interrupting all the old guilty chatter.

8. Another difficulty our subscribers face is trying to cultivate habits that stick for the long term. One of our subscribers recently commented on how she feels good and positive when she listens to a motivating speech or when she reads a self help book but it doesn’t take long for her to get bombarded with negative thoughts. The daily grind and routine of life seems to quickly negate any positive progress she makes. In her words, when I take one step forward, within no time I am pushed three steps back.

Can you share any practical strategies that can help women to not just feel good in the moment but work towards a positive change that lasts?

It really helpful to write down positive messages or remind yourself of how good you feel and commit to repeating your new habit daily. Don’t take on too many changes at once. Focus on implementing one new habit at a time. Mark it on a calendar when you complete your new habit. And again, find someone to check in with so you keep on track. When you notice you’re slipping, remind yourself of your desire to change and start again. Or express some sadness, anger, or fear because your unexpressed emotions get in the way of staying clear and on task.

9. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?

1. Put yourself out in new situations — volunteer, attend classes, go on hikes or walks, or put yourself out there — with a smile on your face and a willingness to lend a hand. Say “yes” to new opportunities. Do things that you enjoy. Take up a new hobby. You won’t find someone sitting at home watching television or playing solitaire on your computer. If you feel up to it, check out some dating sites.

2. Be friendly at work with neighbors, or at the coffee shop. Stick to voicing the good, and not dwelling on what’s lacking.

3. Keep honoring yourself, remembering that you are whole and complete, love yourself, and make the most of each precious moment. Repeat “I’ll do what I can and the rest is out of my hands.” Don’t indulge any negative thoughts.

10. What books or resources would you recommend for women that are looking to attract the right man and create long lasting fulfilling relationships?

Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life, by Jude Bijou, MA, MFT. This practical and spiritual handbook shows you how to handle your emotions in a healthy way, rewire your destructive thinking, consult your intuition, communicate constructively, and take action in line with what you know within is best. It also describes 33 of our most common destructive attitudes and provides simple steps to transform each to its constructive opposite.

About Jude Bijou

Jude-Bijou

Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), an educator in Santa Barbara, California and the author of triple finalist, Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life (Riviera Press, 2011).

As the daughter of a famous pioneer in the field of behavioral child psychology and applied behavior analysis, Jude’s upbringing sounds like it would be pretty cool. There was just one problem: she was miserable.

Earning a BA in psychology from Reed College and a master’s in psychology from Carleton University, she became a marriage and family therapist. Success was attained, yet something was still missing. Looking eastward, she immersed herself in the world of meditation and Vedic philosophy. The result: an integrated, truly holistic approach to viewing ourselves and our relationships with others. Her award-winning system, Attitude Reconstruction was birthed into the world.

To know more about Jude, visit her website www.attitudereconstruction.com.




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