Interview With Julie Ferman - How To Win a Man's Heart

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December 3, 2014

Interview With Julie Ferman

1. Can you share with my readers and subscribers some of the most common problems your female clients face in their relationships?

As women we so often feel misunderstood or not valued enough or in the right ways by our partner. The quality of the communication we have with our partner is often lacking, leaving us disappointed and discouraged. Disappointment happens whenever our expectations aren’t in line with reality. If we’re paying attention, to discover the nature of our discontent, and if we’re willing to take responsibility for our own happiness, we can begin to cause a remarkable shift, internally and in our relationships. Then what’s essential is for us to get good at asking for what we truly want, in a way that our partner can hear it.

We women are complex creatures, much more so than our male counterparts, and if we just expect our men to know what we want and what will bring us happiness, we will often be faced with disappointment. A man typically won’t play unless he thinks he’s got a shot at winning, and we can help our men “win” with us by letting them know when and how we are unhappy, and if we let them know what we need and truly want.

Men really do want to make us happy, and yet 90% of our happiness is ours to find on our own. Let us continue, as women, to look within, to find the source of our own happiness, and to find ways of asking for help and participation from the men in our lives, so that they can experience the huge WIN that it is for them when they see the big, bright, beautiful smile on our faces.

2. I guess part of the problem is because men tend to be more direct in their communication while women have an indirect style. Another reason why women may not express how they “really” feel is because they fear that it may turn off men.

What we typically find is that when women like the man they are seeing, they tend to avoid bringing up difficult issues and tough conversations because they fear they might lose him. So what they generally tend to do is that they keep it to themselves and give the impression that things are just fine. For example, they have a fantastic date with a man and he says he will call after a few days. They wait, wait and wait to be disappointed that he didn’t follow up as he said he would. But they are happy when they eventually hear back from him and don’t share how they really felt during the no contact period.

What would your advice be for women who have the fear that sharing feelings and emotions will drive a man away and make them come across as someone clingy and needy?

As women, we’re wise to learn how to ask for what will make us happy. One of the secrets is to catch him when he’s doing something we appreciate and fan that flame. If he doesn’t contact you for a few days, then when he DOES contact you, don’t chastize him for not being in touch, say “So nice to hear from you.” Expecting the men in our lives to guess as to what we want and waiting around for him to provide our heart’s desire is a recipe for disappointment.

When a woman meets a man who intrigues her, it’s OK for her to say, “I loved meeting you, here’s how to find me…” giving him her card, or even saying in a cute, playful way, “You know what? If you called me to ask me out, I think I’d probably say Yes…” If the first date went well, and he’s not extended an invitation for a second date, and a week or so has gone by, you have nothing to lose by reaching out. It’s OK to offer up a fun invitation to him; a holiday party, a theater / art gallery event, a cooking class or wine tasking, a hike or a live concert. Especially if you’re an outgoing type and he’s more reserved by nature. Not all men are comfortable chasing women, and some of the best men are the quiet confident types, well suited to a go-getter type female.

3. From our subscribers, we often hear “lack of chemistry” as a leading reason why they aren’t willing to go out on a second date with a man even though he seemed to be a decent guy and they were comfortable and treated with respect during the first date. Can you share your thoughts on chemistry and can attraction grow over time? Is it worth persisting with a man with whom a woman feels comfortable but doesn’t quite share the chemistry?

The biggest mistake today’s single woman is consistently making is to overlook or quickly dismiss her suitors. We only have a shot with the guy who thinks we’re hot…truly, and women have a FAR better ability to develop attraction over time than men do. It’s not that men are shallow and superficial, it’s simply biology, the way men are wired. If a man does indeed meet your Top Three Critical Criteria, and he’s knocking on your door for a second or third date, do yourself a big favor and say Yes to his invitation.

Bonding doesn’t begin to happen for two people until the third date, so until you have your keeper on your arm, maximize your opportunities by opening the door to the men who are indeed hot for you, rather than pining away for the fictitious man who’s in your mind or the one who’s unavailable, damaged goods, or just not showing up as interested, attracted or motivated to pursue you.

4. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man. Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex?

I don’t have a lot of “rules” for dating, except this one — keep your pants on until you know that the guy you’re dating is happy to be monogamous with you, and until you’ve had an honest, open-hearted, sober discussion and are in alignment about what sex means to each of you, and until you’ve had those pesky but oh so important discussions about STDs and birth control. If you’re not comfortable having those conversations, well… just keep those pants on a little while longer.

In the 24 years I’ve been introducing couples to each other, I’ve never gotten a call on Monday morning saying “Darn, I wish I’d slept with that guy…” We girls secrete large doses of oxytocin (aka “the bonding hormone”) when having sex, which a whole lot of men don’t know about. When we bond with a guy over sex and then he disappears, oh my… our psyche, emotions, confidence, and self-respect take a big hit.

Be playful, affectionate, open, honest and keep him interested while you keep hold of the reigns. We women are in charge of how fast this train moves. You can have a whole lot of fun with your pants on. TIP: Stick to just one drink, or maybe two, if it’s a long date. I do believe there’s a one word answer for why our creator put alcohol on the planet- procreation.

5. Sometimes women who have successful careers feel the exact opposite when it comes to their personal relationships. One of the challenges they mention is struggling to transition from their masculine energy that makes them successful in their workplace to a feminine mode to be more successful in their romantic relationships. Can you share your advice on how women can overcome this problem?

The more “masculine” a man we hope to attract into our lives, the more “feminine” we need to be, in order to capture his interest. It’s not that we need to pretend to be someone else, we just need to shine a light on the feminine qualities that we DO indeed possess underneath our business suits. Men need to be respected, admired and appreciated, and being with a woman who has learned how to demonstrate these qualities to him will feel good to him, and so he’s likely to want to see her again and again. Let’s remember to use our ears more than our mouths, to be more interested in HIS accomplishments than we are about sharing our own. Big, strong, powerful, masculine men need and want to come home to what they call “a soft place to land” at the end of his long day. Women who practice being this soft, loving place to land will be a natural fit.

6. As a matchmaker you have worked with both men and women. In your experience, what are men looking for in a woman and what makes a woman wife material?

Men continually tell me that they sincerely want to be with a woman who’s sweet, kind, thoughtful and giving. A woman will be wife material if she does indeed have this good heart at her core. Also he needs to have FUN with his mate, so a woman who’s often smiling and laughing, truly happy and enjoying her life has a much better shot at being invited into partnership than the critical, judgmental grouchy type. And then of course, a man simply will not step up to the plate to court a woman unless he’s attracted. His need for physical / sexual attraction is biological, and so we women are wise to take very, very good care of our skin and our bodies, so we’ll have the best chance of catching a man’s eye and holding his attention.

7. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life. What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?

It’s a natural defense mechanism for us to want to protect ourselves from being hurt again, and so the natural tendency when dating is to instinctively discard or veto or shy away from anyone who is remotely similar to an ex love who left a scar. As a matchmaker I often hear clients qualifiers like “Don’t introduce me to anyone who’s not been married, who’s been divorced, who’s been widowed, who’s not had kids, who’s had kids, who’s in recovery.” The lists go on and on, and with each group of people they disqualify they’re they’re shrinking the pool of potential candidates, thereby sabotaging their own dating journey. It’s simply not true that similar behavior will occur in the future for each person who’s been a parent or who has not been a parent, for example. The answer is in the managing of our own emotional baggage. The solutions are always in the development of our own self awareness, our ability to discern our own wants and needs, and to communicate with clarity, consistency and compassion. Start with Kathryn Woodward Thomas’ book, Calling in the One.

8. Some women have the tendency to fall for the wrong man over and over again. How do you help your female clients who face this problem?

Grab a pen and a piece of paper (or your journal) and write down the names of each of your significant loves in your life. Underneath his name, create a T chart and on the left side list all of the qualities and characteristics that you loved about him, especially at first. Then on the right side, list all of the qualities and characteristics that ended up being wrong for you in the end. The men you meet who have those elements on the right side of the chart? Run, don’t walk in the other direction. Also, do the tough work of identifying what your Top Three Critical Criteria are. When you see men out there in the world who have these top three, and who don’t have the yukky elements that you’ve identified as toxic for you, THESE are the men to pay attention to, especially if they’re interested and attracted to you. This is how to break old, unhealthy dating patterns and how to pave new roads for yourself that will result in a more fruitful journey toward the healthy relationship that’s in your future.

9. What would your advice be for women who haven’t dated for a long time and feel out of touch, out of place and struggle to figure out how to start?

The way to ease into the dating process is to balance out inner work with action. Dive into some great reading — some of my favorite authors for women re-entering the dating world are: Rachel Greenwald, Arielle Ford, Evan Marc Katz, and Kathryn Woodward Thomas. And then to get ready for action and the art of magnetizing men toward you, read Rachel DeAlto’s Flirt Fearlessly. Find some activities in your local community that will help you to interface with single people, activities that you’ll naturally enjoy.

Check out Meetup.com to find hiking groups, happy hour groups, etc. Look online to see if there is a local matchmaker or several who offer free, private registration, to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals. Register privately with www.JulieFerman.com and we’ll be happy to offer up a referral to a local matchmaker in your neck of the woods.

A great way to get your feet wet in a fun, safe way is to attend a speed dating event: http://www.julieferman.com/ResourcesCategories.aspx?id=651 .

Thinking about online dating? Don’t do it without first getting GREAT, current photos of the adorable you: http://www.julieferman.com/ResourcesCategories.aspx?id=204.

Eharmony has two levels of membership:

http://www.julieferman.com/ResourcesCategories.aspx?id=731 and also a high end matchmaking option available now too: http://www.julieferman.com/ResourcesCategories.aspx?id=730

10. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?

1. Know your Top Three Strengths and your Top Three Weaknesses – be honest, ask a close friend to help you to determine what they are, as knowing what you bring to the table (both the assets and liabilities) will help you to be realistic in your expectations regarding the type of person you should be able to attract.

2. Identify your Top Three Critical Criteria for the person you’d love to have in your future, and pay particular attention to the men who show up in your world, who are knocking on YOUR door, who DO in fact have these three essential ingredients.

3. Shake things up. Look for surprises, dare to stretch and grow, be willing to date off-type, knowing that doing dating the way you’ve been doing it hasn’t provided the intended result. Practice looking for what’s right, vs. for what might be lacking in each person you meet, and you’ll find that dating will become a much more enjoyable and fruitful endeavor.

About Julie Ferman

Julie Ferman

Julie Ferman is a personal matchmaker, consultant, dating coach, media personality, professional speaker, a producer of dating industry conferences and events, and a blogger.

A guest on countless television shows including Good Morning America, The Today Show, Dr. Phil, NBC’s The Match Off, NBC’s Life Moments and Fox News, she has been in The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Christian Science Monitor, LA Times, Woman’s World, Westlake Magazine, and the Orange County Business Journal.

To know more about Julie, visit her website www.julieferman.com.




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