Interview With KarenLee Poter - How To Win a Man's Heart

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January 1, 2015

Interview With KarenLee Poter

Below is an interview with KarenLee Poter, Author and Host of Internet talk show, “The KarenLee Poter Show”

1. One question we get asked quite often from our subscribers especially from women in their late 30s and above is if there are enough eligible men looking for a serious long term relationship. There seems to be this belief that men around their age group are more interested in younger women. What advice do you have for women who have a deep rooted skepticism that they can’t find love because of their age and are almost at the point of giving up?

I feel that there is no timeline for love. It happens when it’s supposed to happen. The most important thing for you is to find your passion and enjoy life to the fullest. Find out what is going to make you happy for the rest of your life regardless if a man is involved. Before getting involved with anyone, you need to make yourself the best person you can be spiritually, physically and mentally. Here’s an article about my rating scale. Why would you want a man who cares more about someone’s age than the person inside? Men are attracted to independent, confident women – not needy desperate girls.

2. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life. What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?

A good dose of self-exploration and some therapy by a professional therapist – not a girlfriend. I think many have fears of being alone and stay stuck in the “I’ll never find anyone” negative state. Stay positive and good things will happen at a time when you least expect it. Some practical advice – work out your body and your mind. Become confident and follow your gut.

3. One popular concern that our subscribers have is regarding sharing their feelings with the man they are dating. What we typically find is that when women like the man they are seeing, they tend to avoid bringing up difficult issues and tough conversations because they fear they might lose him. So what they generally tend to do is that they keep it to themselves and give the impression that things are just fine. For example, they have a fantastic date with a man and he says he will call after a few days. They wait, wait and wait to be disappointed that he didn’t follow up as he said he would. But they are happy when they eventually hear back from him and don’t share how they really felt during the no contact period.

Become Cougars. My definition of one is a Confident, Older, Unique, Genuine, Assertive, Racy woman. I find that being totally open, confident and honest is the ONLY way to move a relationship forward. Not saying how you feel only leads to resentment. He’s lucky to be going out with you, and he has to respect you. It won’t happen if you withhold your feelings.

What would your advice be for women who have the fear that sharing feelings and emotions will drive a man away and make them come across as someone clingy and needy?

It’s a balance – you don’t want to suffocate the guy, but you need to let him know if you aren’t being respected or appreciated. If you want respect, demand it. As Tucker Max says, “Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn’t-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people.. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won’t associate with you. It really is that simple.” ― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

4. From our subscribers, we often hear “lack of chemistry” as a leading reason why they aren’t willing to go out on a second date with a man even though he seemed to be a decent guy and they were comfortable and treated with respect during the first date. Can you share your thoughts on chemistry and can attraction grow over time? Is it worth persisting with a man with whom a woman feels comfortable but doesn’t quite share the chemistry?

I’d love to say that the lack of chemistry isn’t important and that it’ll grow over time – but I’d be lying. If it’s not there at the beginning, it probably won’t be there later. I think there’s a spark that you know is there based not on looks as much as a feel about the guy. I’ve been on dates where I’ve examined a guy from every angle trying to see if there’s chemistry, it just doesn’t work. Maybe it’s a smell that attracts you – pheromones perhaps.

5. Some of our subscribers have the tendency to ignore and overlook the red flags especially when they really like a man. In the process, they create an idealized version of the man and overestimate the feelings he has for them. For women who have a history of fantasizing and idealizing a partner, what can they do to evaluate the man and their relationship for what it is truly worth rather than what they ideally like it to be?

Red flags are not to be ignored. If the guy owns the problem and has sought help – it’s worth pursuing. I think a guy willing to work on issues is a keeper. If you ignore those flags, they’ll pop up later on, which results in a bigger let down than dealing with them as they pop up. Red flags are always going to be there to some extent, it’s how you both deal with them. Being honest with yourself is always the best solution – follow your gut on those flags and communicate with the guy. Read my article “Good Relationships Take Three Trimesters”

6. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man. Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex?

Sex should be when it feels right! A guy is going to want to continue a relationship with you regardless of sex or no sex. Do what your gut says feels right. Only you two know the right time to have sex.

7. Can too much honesty negatively affect a relationship especially when you have just started seeing the other person? How much of the past and even the present should you reveal to the man you are dating? Should you share details like cheating in the previous relationship, the fact you are currently seeing a therapist or you are a recovering alcoholic etc? Some of our subscribers have been too honest and in the process lost out on many men because it freaked them out. Can you share your thoughts on how women can balance the fine line between honesty and giving themselves the chance to date men and pursue a long term committed relationship?

I can’t stress how important it is to be honest from the beginning. In fact, if you’re a recovering addict, it’s a good sign that you’ve already worked on yourself. However, to bombard a guy on the first date with stuff about cheating and other mistakes isn’t necessary either. You want to start out with a clean slate and he may form an opinion about you based on ignorance about a subject like addiction. It’s a timing issue but hiding something and springing it on him later can be detrimental to his trust. As soon as it makes sense, let him know who you are and where you’ve been. If he runs, it’s better to have him leave sooner than later.

8. What are some best practices when it comes to clearly communicating your deal breakers and boundaries and when should you be having these conversations? I have heard from quite a number of my women subscribers who initially set the bar low and then find it incredibly difficult to raise the bar in the relationship because their partner has been conditioned to the earlier low standard. Many women find it quite difficult to have these conversations because they fear coming across as someone too uptight and rigid and worry about driving men away.

Tell him how it makes you feel when he does…. If he cares about you, he’ll try to rectify the behavior or explain why he does it. Make sure to examine what those deal breakers are and if they’re realistic. I don’t believe in ultimatums and I think if both parties are willing to work on things, a compromise can be found. Accepting bad behavior from the beginning and expecting it to change later is not going to work. It’s like training your puppy that it’s ok to pee in your house and then expecting him to stop when he turns two years old. Along those lines, NEVER FAKE AN ORGASM.

Let the guy know what your expectations are and lead by example. It seems like a lot of your readers are desperate and willing to accept a lot of things just to land a boyfriend. I say, if the guy is a great catch, he’ll want to please the woman he cares about and be willing to communicate and compromise about things that aren’t working for you. If he’s going to run, let him. It’s better to be alone than with a smelly fish – going with my fishing metaphor.

9. Our subscribers also run into a situation where things are going great and just when they think the relationship has great potential or feel he is the one, the man starts developing cold feet. He pulls away, doesn’t respond to phone calls or text messages and in some cases disappears for a while. What advice do you have for women who deal with men that suddenly pull away and act inconsistent?

There was something they didn’t see which was there all along. Maybe if this happens, it’s because you were sticking your head in the sand – unwilling to see the signs that he may have been leaving. If he abruptly leaves, it’s his problem to work out and you will be better in the long run without a guy who’s got commitment phobia. This is cliche but “If you love something set it free, if it comes back, it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was to begin with. If he returns after his break from you, let him know that he has one “get out of jail free pass” and that it won’t be tolerated again. He’s a damn fool for leaving you, but he may have just gotten a little cold feet. There’s no general rule of thumb, you need to follow your gut on that one.

10. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?

Be honest, confident, and let your inner light shine on the first date in other words be a COUGAR – my definition of course (confident, older, unique, genuine, assertive & racy.)

Be positive and don’t “look” for a relationship, be “open” to one. Having a sign that says, “Stage Five Clinger” on your forehead is a sure fire way of sending your date running to the hills. Give your boyfriend respect, and expect to be treated with the same respect in return. Most important tip (This may be 4 but oh well) HAVE FUN!

About KarenLee Poter

KarenLee Porter

KarenLee Poter currently hosts an Internet talk show, The KarenLee Poter Show, about dating, sex, love and everything in between. Poter created the show after she became a widow and found herself having to navigate the world of being single. On The KarenLee Poter Show, she interviews experts and guests about what it’s really like to be fun and sexy at a later stage in life. No topic is off limits as she shares personal anecdotes and opinions through witty vlogs and comedic shorts about her life as a “Cougar,” which she has redefined as a Confident, Older, Unique, Genuine, Assertive, and Racy woman. Poter is also an expert in large age gap relationships, as she’s been in a committed relationship for the past 7 years with a man several years her junior. The KarenLee Poter Show commands a worldwide audience, receiving over 83,000 views a month, and KarenLee’s writing has been featured on multiple blog sites such as Huffington Post, YourTango, and BroBible. She’s a Chicago-based mother of three and has a Masters Degree in Social Work from the University of Illinois.

To know more about KarenLee, visit her website www.loveencore.com.

You can find her YouTube channel here- www.youtube.com/user/karenleepoter.




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