Interview With Kimberly Kingsley - How To Win a Man's Heart

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February 1, 2015

Interview With Kimberly Kingsley

1. A common problem our subscribers face especially those who are coming out of a messy divorce or breakup is lack of self-belief and confidence. They wonder if there are enough eligible men looking for a serious long term relationship, they doubt if men would find them attractive and some also suffer from body image issues. What advice do you have for women to overcome this problem?

New to the dating scene? Unsure of yourself, your body, your desirability? Not sure if there are any good men out there?

Let’s cut to the chase. Others appreciate you to the extent that you appreciate yourself. This is an energetic principle. The aspects of yourself that you reject are intuitively felt by others. The reverse is true as well. If you appreciate and accept your body and current situation in life, others will feel that and share the view that you have of yourself.

How do we appreciate ourselves when we know we could be so much better? Say for example that you’d like to lose twenty pounds and you feel that you won’t be happy until you do. There is a way of being happy now and that is by taking care of yourself in a way that is in alignment with your goals. A friend of mine calls this “goal-fitting behavior.” It’s is difficult to cultivate authentic self-esteem while treating yourself poorly. The moment you begin acting in alignment with your goals, your self-esteem will rise.

We live in an energetic world. We attract people who are at our level. There are plenty of good men out there, just look to your father, brothers and friends to see that they exist. The right man will organically show up in your life when you are ready. Your only job is to love yourself and care for yourself as you would your child. That means that ridicule and abuse are not allowed. Stick with loving encouragement, goal-fitting behavior, and immediate self-forgiveness when you make a mistake or get off track.

It may sound trite, but your primary relationship is with you. Everything else is a reflection of that relationship. So apply gentle self-love to every area of your life and when the time is right you’ll find a partner who does the same.

2. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life. What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?

Emotional baggage is unfinished business that must be taken care of in order to feel free and happy. When a relationship ends, it is natural to grieve. This includes feeling angry, sad, resentful and confused at times. It’s as if we walk out of a relationship and into a storm that needs to pass before we are able to see clearly. But refusing to take a good, hard look at our own behavior keeps us in the storm way longer than necessary.

Embracing radical self-honesty and personal responsibility when looking at a difficult or broken relationship makes it easier to see the part that the other person played as well. Breaking down the experience into these smaller pieces allows us to process and release the pain. If we choose to blame the other person and not look at our role in the dynamic, we will be forever tethered to the emotional baggage. Becoming free from emotional baggage is a process that is often bundled with grieving. This takes time, but being willing to look at your part–even if it’s just that you put up with bad behavior–will ultimately release you from your pain and elevate you to the point of attracting a different kind of partner.

3. As women prepare themselves to date men after a breakup or divorce, they often find dating intimidating and stressful. They feel out of touch, out of place and suffer from anxiety because it has been a long time since they have gone out on a date. Some even call dating a dreaded chore. How can women overcome this intense anxiety and start enjoying the dating process?

Dating should be fun. Of course, it’s normal to have some jitters if you haven’t dated for a while, but experiencing full-on anxiety may be an indication that it’s either not the right time or the right date. Make the dating process your own. Friends might try to talk you into on-line dating. If creating a profile and chatting with potential suitors sounds like fun, then do it! If it feels like a chore, then don’t. Excitement is a form of intuition, indicating that you’re on the right track. Dread provides intuitive information as well, indicating that you’re on the wrong track. When entering the dating world, pay attention to your instincts and follow them. Only you know what you’re ready for and what feels right, not your friends, family or society. In relationships and in life, our instincts and intuition will guide us to the most fulfilling and fun experiences. Our only task is to trust ourselves enough to go with our own flow and create the life we truly desire.

4. You mentioned happiness “your primary relationship is with you” and it reminds me of the line from the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise says, “You complete me.” As incredibly romantic as it sounds, it resonated with how so many people enter into a relationship- expecting the partner to make them happy. We find a number of our subscribers embracing this flawed line of thinking where they seem to be too dependent on their partners to make them happy. You want to be in a relationship to be happier and not to be happy and if you are expecting a man to make you happy, you are setting yourself up for eventual failure and heartbreak. Can you share your advice on how women can ensure that in the course of a relationship, they don’t lose themselves and burden their partners to make them happy?

It is crucial to stay connected to one’s inner self if we are to not lose ourselves in relationships and then look to our partner to “complete us.”

This is done by cultivating one’s own intuition and interests while making sure to express feelings and thoughts on a regular basis so they don’t get stuck inside and block intuition and passion. It is by staying connected to ourselves and expressing our passions that we remain fulfilled. (A good book to reference here is The Energy Cure, as it has a full explanation of my philosophy of well-being.

5. Sometimes our subscribers are so scared of losing their man or they refuse to accept the reality that the relationship is over and in the process, they numb their feelings or resort to desperate tactics. They resort to excessive texting and calling, date other men just to make their man jealous, have sex with him hoping that would save their relationship etc. I guess the root cause of all these behaviors is to avoid pain- I don’t want to feel the pain of being betrayed, I don’t want to feel the pain of being dumped etc. How can women bravely face their fears instead of working towards avoiding them?

Great question and I wrote another book on this topic called Portals of Peace, which discusses the ways we sabotage ourselves and how to move toward transformation. We become desperate when we don’t know our authentic selves and our purpose for being here (authentic self-expression).

When we spend time in meditation, listening to our intuition and contemplation, we invite the energy of life or Spirit to be both our foundation and our guide. This energy is closer than the breath but takes practice to perceive. By cultivating the ultimate relationship, which is with ourself at this level, we feel secure enough to walk away when necessary and to honor ourselves the way we want our partners to honor us.

6. A number of our subscribers also suffer from being in relationships with years of resentment and hidden anger. This comes from lack of communication, lack of understanding, one partner compromising and sacrificing more than the other etc. What are some ways for women to effectively deal with resentment before it destroys their relationship?

Women need to stop over-giving in order to heal resentment. This might mean that the relationship becomes off-balance for a time or even crumbles, but we can’t give to others at the expense of ourselves and then be mad at someone else for it. With right action, the relationship will either transform or crumble and when we have cultivated our primary relationship with ourselves, we will be okay with either outcome.

7. Some of our subscribers have the tendency to ignore and overlook the red flags especially when they really like a man. In the process, they create an idealized version of the man and overestimate the feelings he has for them. For women who have a history of fantasizing and idealizing a partner, what can they do to evaluate the man and their relationship for what it is truly worth rather than what they ideally like it to be?

Again, being willing to see the truth of a situation requires that we trust our inner voice and honor ourselves by following it. This is a process that can take a lot of time, but it is essential to be connected to oneself and one’s inner guidance to experience true inner peace. The alternative is a lifetime of smoke and mirrors that keeps one perpetually off balance.

I truly view a strong relationship to one’s inner self as the answer to all of these dilemmas because this is how we become resilient and confident enough to lose something that we deeply desire. It’s still painful, but not nearly as much, and the cost of betraying oneself/losing the connection to one’s inner self becomes way to high: drama, pain, grief, etc.

8. Another difficulty our subscribers face is trying to cultivate habits that stick for the long term. One of our subscribers recently commented on how she feels good and positive when she listens to a motivating speech or when she reads a self help book but it doesn’t take long for her to get bombarded with negative thoughts. The daily grind and routine of life seems to quickly negate any positive progress she makes. In her words, when I take one step forward, within no time I am pushed three steps back.

Can you share any practical strategies that can help women to not just feel good in the moment but work towards a positive change that lasts?

I strongly recommend a daily meditation practice. Over time, this heightened level of presence burns through self-defeating habits such as negative thinking. Some great resources for how to change one’s thoughts are A Course In Miracles Self-Study Program or Abraham Hicks Youtube videos.

9. Our subscribers also run into a situation where things are going great and just when they think the relationship has great potential or feel he is the one, the man starts developing cold feet. He pulls away, doesn’t respond to phone calls or text messages and in some cases disappears for a while. What advice do you have for women who deal with men that suddenly pull away and act inconsistent?.

I would recommend the one behavior that’s counter-intuitive, and that is to feel the pain of the distance and view the situation with open eyes but NEVER to chase him – energetically or otherwise. The task is to be honest with oneself and say, “His attention and energy has moved in another direction. He will either be back or he won’t.”

If the back and forth behavior becomes a pattern, that warrants a conversation and may require ending the relationship, but when a man initially backs up, he may just be getting clarity on his feelings and decide he’s really interested!

10. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?

1. Be yourself – accept yourself in all your glory (warts and all) in order for someone else to do the same.

2. Take care of yourself – Take care of yourself the way you would want someone to take care of you. We attract people who accurately reflect the relationship we have with ourselves.

3. Forgive yourself – Don’t get stuck in guilt and shame over past mistakes or current mistakes. These two emotions keep us tethered to the past. Forgive yourself and then you can forgive others and move on to a new life.

About Kimberly Kingsley

Kimberly-Kingsley

As an author, energy coach and licensed professional counselor, Kimberly Kingsley teaches life-enhancing principles that lead to inner peace. For over fifteen years she has been part of the wellness movement, sharing her message through speaking, training and coaching.

Kimberly has been featured in numerous publications including FITNESS Magazine, HEALTH Magazine, Woman’s Day and Woman’s World. She delivers inspirational and informative talks at venues such as World Wellness Weekend, Banner’s Holistic Health Conference and many other non-profit fundraisers and events. Kimberly has made numerous television appearances, including a stress prevention series for Arizona Midday, and has been a guest on nearly two dozen radio shows.

Kimberly’s books include Portals of Peace: A Path to Inner Peace and a Healed World (2009), The Energy Cure: How to Recharge Your Life 30 Seconds at a Time (2008), Opening to Life: Reconnecting with Your Internal Source of Energy, Wisdom and Joy (2003).

For more information, please visit her at www.kimberlykingsley.com.




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