Interview With Lore Earley - How To Win a Man's Heart

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July 15, 2016

Interview With Lore Earley

1. Change can be scary and often people aren’t comfortable with change because it means dealing with something entirely new and unknown. This often brings anxiety especially when it comes to major life transitions such as dating after divorce or getting married or making a decision to have kids, searching for a new job, switching careers etc.

Can you offer some practical strategies that can help us be more comfortable with change?

“Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back.” This is a mantra I frequently use during my morning meditation, especially when I am being forced (or even making the conscious choice to) step out of my comfort zone and embark on a new journey. If change is inspired by my own will, I know I am on track when fear creeps up. It is my internal meter that tells me that it is time to step out of the safety net to try something new.

The first strategy I use with clients to deal with fear is changing mindset. If you view change as bad, scary, and painful due to possible failure or rejection, you will operate from that mentally which usually results in procrastination and paralysis. If you view change as an adventure, and chose to be an explorer on a journey without attachment to the outcome, you open your mind and spirit to fun and excitement. Imagine if everyone, and I mean everyone, avoided fear and change. What would our world be like? We wouldn’t have electricity, cars, computers, or hurricane-proof windows.

The second tool I use with clients is Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) which is based on Chinese acupressure. I love Tapping because it helps decrease the intense physical response that change and fear trigger. Many times it is hard to alter your way of thinkng when you are having chest pains or feel like you want to throw up. Tapping helps relieve the physical part by calming the “fight” or “flight” response center of the brain, so you can then tackle your mindset. You can learn more about Tapping here:

2. I would like to discuss another attribute with you- resilience. Some of us have the ability to control and manage our lives as long as things go as per plan. However when the unexpected happens or when we encounter crisis, some tend to fall apart failing to pick themselves up whereas others have the ability to bounce back and become even stronger.

Can you give us your perspective on what separates the resilients from the non-resilients? What are some things that we can do to be more mentally tough and resilient?

Personal power, strength, and courage is represented in the 3rd chakra, the solar plexus. The physical area of the body is right above the belly button and includes the digestive system. Many people that are deficient in this area have a lot of digestive issues. Resilient people tend to have a strong(er) 3rd chakra.

What tends to happen is we let events and messages from childhood about our worthiness project into our current and future lives. When we believe that we are a capable individual that can cope effectively with emotions and situations, regardless if painful, we are much more likely to withstand any fallout from a traumatic situation. When we believe we are weak, unworthy, not good enough, or not deserving, then our trust in self is lacking. This leads to difficulty coping because we then try to seek self affirmation and solutions from others outside us, which usually ends in disappointment. Mindset matters.

To strengthen the 3rd chakra, the first step is to identify the messages that you are playing in your head about your self-worth. Maybe you got caught in the trap of people pleasing because you learned early on that gratification comes from praise from your parents. Maybe you were told you would amount to nothing, and decided to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Spend some time journaling to really be honest about these messages.

I then use Tapping (EFT) to help calm emotions and “re-program” the brain to include more helpful self-talk, statements that you do want to believe about yourself. Even just repeating these statements as affirmations several times a day helps (even if you don’t quite “believe” these things about yourself yet). My final recommendation is visualization. Spend some time imaging yourself acting differently, feeling more positive, stronger. Something I often do with my clients is help them find something to represent their “inner warrior” and incorporate it into the visualization practice.

3. One of the biggest resistance to change is the fear of having to step outside your comfort zone. Another big obstacle is the difficulty in creating and sustaining new positive habits. New Year resolutions are probably the best example. It’s very common for many to have resolutions like losing weight or eating healthy or finding love or getting a better job etc. Often we have the best intention to work towards these goals but after a few days or weeks of trying, we tend to revert to the default mode.

Can you share some strategies on how we can better train ourselves to create positive habits that can sustain for the long term?

The biggest reason people don’t sustain new habits is because they really don’t have a connection to WHY they want to reach their goal in the first place. Most of the time people set, for example, weight loss goals because they believe that in order to be happy, they must look like someone they saw in a magazine or drop a certain amount of pounds. Another goal example, to find a romantic relationship, because that way I will be “complete” and less lonely.

While these goals sound good, they aren’t really addressing the underlying issue. Happiness comes from within, and no amount of weight loss is going to change that. Granted, you will probably get a boost of self-confidence, because when you look good, you generally feel better. However, any emotional blocks or baggage you are carrying around on the inside is not going to vaporize with fat loss. Same goes for the relationship example. It is possible to be lonely, even surrounded by people. If you are expecting another person to “complete” your life, you will be sorely disappointed.

My WHY for completing revamping my diet and lifestyle is because I was sick, I felt like crap, and I was so over it. I had a very strong heart connection to an internal force that gave me the motivation to take one day and one step at a time, and actually stick with it. As soon as I started to feel better, this added to my drive, my dedication, because I then knew I didn’t ever want to go back. This was MY goal, and it didn’t belong to someone else, the media, or some kind of fantasy image I created for myself. I knew it was going to be hard, so I made sure I was surrounded by the resources I needed to be successful.

4. Interesting. One of the barriers towards achieving goals is the constant negative chatter inside our head. Continuing with the weight loss example, my goal is to reduce weight, I join the gym, I go to the gym, exercise, feel good for the day and probably do the same for the next few days before I skip a day. And because I skipped a day, the negative chatter amplifies almost to say, “I told you, you wouldn’t do it, you are such a loser…” It’s so easy to be discouraged by this negative chatter that you are likely to throw in the towel.

When you are just warming up towards steady progress and hit a temporary roadblock, how do you restart from where you left instead of just giving up? Because when you read through motivational quotes or watch motivational videos, you get this strong message that winners don’t quit and quitters don’t win. And here is how the negative script runs, “Because I quit (even if it’s for a day or a week) it means I am not a winner, so why bother because I am never going to lose weight.” Is the problem here due to high expectations or distorted thinking? If so, how do we change that?

I LOVE talking about what I call “monkey mind” chatter! The key to plowing through negative self-talk is really understanding the source and purpose of such dialogue. All negative thoughts are born from the ego. (The definition of ego that I am using here is a person’s self-esteem, their self-importance.) The ego’s job is to keep you safe, away from harm, and away from hurt. But the problem is that the ego does not think rationally. It doesn’t give a crap whether you are “happy” or not. It just seeks to keep your perception of self-importance intact.

I will use your example of negative monkey mind chatter after skipping a workout to illustrate. The number one “hurt” that someone can experience when resolving to exercise and eat healthier is failure. (As a matter of fact, the fear of failing at pretty much anything is a big roadblock.) Another example of a “hurt” may include the fallout of succeeding, and having an unsupportive partner (or shall we say envious partner) which creates conflict at home. Therefore, your ego kicks in to high gear and starts feeding you lines of BS to get you to stop doing what you are doing. It operates on the idea that if you don’t even go there, then you will be safe.

There is a difference between the ego’s agenda and your soul’s agenda. Your spirit, your soul, is the REAL you. It is the part of you that knows you deserve success, happiness, and love. It will never speak to you with harsh words. It will never tell you that you suck, or are stupid, or will never accomplish anything anyway. When you tap into your inner guide or spirit, you will find only words of encouragement. So intimately, once you are aware of your ego’s agenda, it is pretty easy to acknowledge when it appears, thank it for it’s service (even if unhelpful), and then dismiss it as such. Then get quiet and still and listen to what your soul is telling you. I am guessing your inner guide will sound something like this, “You are perfect the way you are. Tomorrow, you get to start again. What a miracle!”

5. Another barrier to progress or making a change is comparison. Continuing with the previous example, say I go to the gym to make a sincere effort to lose weight. I go to the gym, scan the surroundings and feel I am the only one overweight or obese and feel inadequate right away. Then I look at the fit and healthy men and women running, biking and sweating it out and instead of being inspired and motivated, I feel out of place and inadequate even though the logical part of the brain knows that comparing is unrealistic and serves no purpose.

In a world where comparing ourselves with others (whether it’s looks, physical appearance or status) is almost inevitable, how do we stop ourselves from comparing and competing with others and be content and happy with who we are? On the flip side, by not comparing and competing ourselves with others, do we run the danger of having lower standards, being complacent and not pushing ourselves to our highest potential?

Comparison comes from a place of fear, and lives within the monkey chatter of your mind. Your soul / spirit does not fall into this trap as it knows that you are a unique person, and gets that comparing yourself to someone else is a waste of time (as you mentioned in the question). It is helpful to understand and recognize WHY you are comparing yourself to others in order to move yourself out of it.

Are you using comparison as a personal excuse, and creating a negative story around it, as a means to avoid? It is very easy to self-sabotage to avoid failure. It sounds great to go to the gym, and start exercising. But the reality is that it is HARD, and do you even like the gym? When you are overweight and haven’t challenged your body in a long time, you are going to feel it. Even after 10 minutes you may be wiped out. And this doesn’t feel good! This doesn’t make you feel like the other muscular fit chicks in the gym. Are you then telling yourself that it’s no use? That you are a big fat loser? That you will never get there? That this is why you hate “working out”? Now you have a great reason to not go.

So how do you turn this around? Get very clear and confident with the WHY you are exercising. If you are doing it for someone else or because you believe you “should”, stop right now and save your gym membership money. The next piece is then figuring out where you can exercise comfortably, in an environment that you enjoy. Maybe you do like the gym, but maybe you would rather start with walking the track at the local park. Put on your headset, and listen to some podcasts of interest. Here, there is no comparison temptation, and no intimidation. Get more confident on your own terms.

Here’s a totally different, more personal example, but demonstrating the same concept.

When I first started my coaching business, I subscribed to every “coach” newsletter that piqued my interest, that emulated how I thought I “should” be in business because of how “successful” they were. I watched their videos, studied their websites, and eventually became depressed because I decided I could never be that fun, or that creative. I then told myself I would certainly fail.

It took me a good year to figure out that I caught a case of comparisonitis because I didn’t know WHO my ideal clients were, I didn’t know WHAT specific problems I solved, and most importantly, I didn’t really reflect much on HOW I wanted to run my business. All I knew is that I was good at therapy, and really, really wanted to help people. This was my driving force, but I was so disconnected with myself, what I really wanted, and my purpose. Therefore, I took a step back, unsubscribed from everything, and hired a coach myself to help me figure it all out. Once it all clicked, I had no reason to worry about what others are doing.

When you are listing to your soul / spirit, and doing what aligns with it, then there is no room for comparisonitis.

6. Interesting, basically you are advocating for a larger purpose behind the change you are seeing. For example, rather than having a goal of losing 50 pounds, envision what losing 50 pounds would do to you- having more energy to play sports or do things with your spouse and children or travel etc rather than wanting to lose weight to impress a date or believing losing weight and having the perfect body would make you happy. Unfortunately this thought process is so common- I will be happy once I lose weight, I will be happy when I get my dream job, I will be happy once I get married etc. How do we end this relentless pursuit of chasing happiness in the distant future instead of being happy in the present?

You are so correct! You summed it up so eloquently.

This thought process – I will finally be happy/healthy/confident when ______________ is the ego doing its job. The ego needs problems. And since your mind desperately tries to convince you that you are in control and can escape fear, it makes sense that it “looks” for problems on purpose. Ever notice how once you get what you think you really want, another problem magically appears?

Ending the pattern of seeking solutions externally lies in the ability to reconnect with your soul/spirit self and deal with the REAL problem. For example, let’s take, “I will be happy when I get my dream job”. The real issue is that a part of you is unfulfilled, feeling like you aren’t living your purpose. The problem is that YOU are your purpose, not the job itself. What is going on that you don’t feel connected with your life’s work? Do you feel lost and even confused about WHAT fulfills you? Are you letting your fears dictate taking jobs that you don’t even like but think that the money or prestige will make it all better? Getting off the hamster wheel in this case means gaining clarity on what you were put on this earth to do as well as understanding the fears that are continuously adding “problems” to your mind.

7. You talked about the pitfalls of making comparisons and how it affects our sense of self. Another common obstacle to change or progress is the fear of what others will think. As much as we would like to embrace “I don’t give a shit” attitude, not many of us are actually comfortable living that attitude. What are some ways to overcome this problem?

I don’t know that we can ever fully overcome an “I don’t give a shit” attitude because we all have a vested interest in fitting into society. We all want to be a contributing member in some way shape or form, so we do keep in mind what other people think. I believe the key word here is “fear”. There is a difference between staying stuck because you are afraid people will think poorly of you, or choosing to behave in a certain way due to wanting a certain outcome or understanding the situation.

For a long time I was a people pleaser and I was often paralyzed by fear of what others think. It takes a strong solar plexus (Chakra of personal power and confidence) to be able to let go of this concern. Something I did with myself and do with my clients is help them conceptualize their “warrior”, and learn to listen to it/him/her when faced with a people pleasing situation. I help them tap into their soul self to listen and receive acceptance and guidance from there, versus externally in the form of other people. The reality is, you will never get affirmation and what you are looking for from others anyway as it is not their responsibility to give it to you.

Brian Tracy said it best…If you really knew how often others thought about you, you would be sorely disappointed.

8. Another common obstacle towards making a change or progress is over-analysis, mainly the what ifs. While it’s good to think about the worst case scenarios and what ifs, too much thinking and over-analyzing can be detrimental to change and progress. Do you have any tips on how to overcome this problem?

“What if’s” live in the future and are there to help you feel like you are in control. If you are consumed with these thoughts, then you are not present. Bringing your focus right back to what you are doing NOW will quiet the mind. The present and future cannot live in the same space. Plus, think about how much energy you have put into some of your “what if’s”. I bet you have planned conversations, strategized on how meetings would go, or even try to project your desires to make something happen. How many of these things have actually gone the way you planned? I am guessing very little. The reality is that we are not in control of these things. It’s like continuously putting a dollar bill in a soda machine and never getting your drink. How much are you willing to invest in a zero return?

9. You mentioned that we may not feel connected with our life’s work and whatever we are doing for a living may not be fulfilling. How do you go about finding your life purpose and what are some things we can do to move towards what we are born to do?

Your life’s purpose is not a thing or object to be grabbed. You ARE your purpose. Think about the things that come easily to you, that you probably don’t even give much attention to because you are used to doing it. Giving advice? Listening? Organizing? Helping? Also consider what you loved to do as a kid. This will give you some pretty good insight as to what fulfills you.

Most of the stuff that is involved in “life’s work” are usually just tools or vessels that assist you in your work. For example, as a kid I loved to “make things” and transform items from one look to another. As a coach, my purpose is to help others transform their lives. But my schooling, Tapping, visualizations, cards, chakra work, etc. are just my tools to which I help others achieve their goals.

10. What are your top 3 tips for anyone who is looking to live a happy, fulfilling life?

1. Learn to listen to your soul self, not your ego or monkey mind chatter.

2. Keep your body healthy, eat right, take care of it, because what you put in is what you get out.

3. Do things that bring you joy and ditch the things that others have imposed on you that are of no consequence to you.

About Lore Earley

Lore Earley

Lore Earley is a holistic life & health coach, licensed counselor, believer in the healing forces of nature, an educator, alchemist, intuitive, adventurer, witty writer, personal growth enthusiast, and a hopeless fan of House Hunters International, the Good Witch, and vampire novels. She helps people who are ready to embark on a magical journey toward self-transformation.

To know more about Lore, visit her website