Interview with Tamar Henry - How To Win a Man's Heart

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November 12, 2014

Interview with Tamar Henry

1. Can you share the most common problems your female clients face and how you help them navigate the problems?

No matter what the issue is for my clients (who are all women), whether it’s dealing with a breakup or divorce, a health diagnosis, infertility or pregnancy loss, a job loss or just simply feeling like the life they had isn’t the life they wanted or expected, I find there is a common theme I see in almost everyone (including myself). That theme is that we tend to believe all of our thoughts: even and especially the ones that aren’t very useful. When we believe our thoughts, we over-identify emotionally with a story that we have been believing or running over in our minds, that was typically put into place in our early childhood.

There are lots of ways to look at this. One of the most useful ways is to recognize the story or the thought as neutral – not good or bad. Why? Even though recognizing the story or thought as separate is a great first step, many of us have been taught to simply get rid o the thought – because it makes us uncomfortable. So, we banish it. We don’t validate it, we force it to “go away.” But, inevitably, what happens when try to use force is that it pops up again. This is a recipe for keeping the “problem” intact.

Together with my client, we examine the thought, belief or story so that we can understand how the part of them that believes this thought, or acts in a certain way always has a positive intention. No matter what the “bad habit” or pattern is, there is always a positive intention and when we dig deep, we discover that it’s about being loved, being safe or feeling like we belong.

Another strategy I use with clients is to help them gain distance from the pattern, behavior, or story by getting curious about how the client structures the problem. I help them metaphorically stand back from themselves and watch and explain exactly how they structure their own pattern. This often gets them to gain perspective, clarity and even laugh!

2. In your blog you wrote, “To be very honest, as I got older and remained single, I regarded every relationship I was in as “the one” that could lead to marriage. I was scared of being alone and not finding someone”

A number of my subscribers have similar fears and self doubts. They fear they would be alone and never find the right one. They approach every man they date and every relationship they have as a search to find the one. They feel stressed out, overwhelmed, confused and afraid.

What advice do you have for women who face this problem?

The thing that helped me the most was making the shift from fear to love. In other words, I had been approaching finding love from a place of fear or “what if it never happens for me.” Only when after a difficult breakup happened that I realized was totally in service to me, was I able to make the connection that I was pinning my hopes on someone who was ill-suited for me – and had done this multiple times with other relationships.

The pursuit of “the one” has to come from a place of love. By that, I mean it has to come from a place of knowing that it’s possible for you, by virtue of the fact that it’s a core desire. When you come from a place of knowing – meaning deciding that the love you want is coming to you, and you will know it when you see it – it’s much easier to tune in to who and what situations are right for you and which ones are not. As cliched as it may sound, all of this is facilitated by doing as much as you can to love yourself and your life as it is, right now, and staying attached to how you want to feel in a relationship, instead of simply having a relationship so that you are not alone.

3. Women tend to put everyone else in their lives on their priority list that they often forget about themselves. It’s not uncommon for women to feel guilty of spending time and money on themselves. Can you share some tips and practices that can help women be more self loving and self accepting?

There is only so much you can give other people before you are completely depleted. If you value giving and being of service, it’s not an option – it’s a must – to take care of yourself first. It’s an overused metaphor and a bit trite, but there’s a reason people quote the in-flight instruction to put on your own mask first before you help someone else with yours.

Without adequate self-care, you can’t help others. So, I don’t look at it as an extra or a nice-to-have. It’s absolutely a necessity to take care of yourself so that you can give from a place of being full. In terms of how to do this: If you are a person that has had difficulty taking care of yourself or you think others come first, get curious. Examine your beliefs. Where did you learn this was true? When you catch yourself thinking “I have to do x before I can do this for myself?” – ask yourself if that is really true. Commit to changing the belief.

4. One way to love your life is have a passionate and purposeful life. As a life coach, you help women towards this path. What are the common barriers that prevent women from leading a passionate, purposeful life?

I think the only way to love your life is to have some purpose and some passion. But I think that sometimes we think that passion and purpose show up in explosive, fireworks-y sorts of ways. That’s not usually it. Passion and purpose show up sometimes in a whisper, and we have to pay close attention to the whisper and follow it, even if it doesn’t make sense. It may not even have to do with what we do for a living. As Liz Gilbert talked about recently, getting curious is the first step for many of us.

5. Sometimes women who have successful careers feel the exact opposite when it comes to their personal relationships. One of the challenges they mention is struggling to transition from their masculine energy that makes them successful in their workplace to feminine energy to be more successful in their romantic relationships. Can you share your advice on how women can overcome this problem?

To be honest, I’ve never encountered a woman in my coaching practice or in life who has told me that the reason she thought she was unsuccessful in love/romance is because she didn’t know how to transition from the masculine into the feminine. I believe that both masculine and feminine energy are necessary in all parts of our lives – in the workplace and in relationships. Simply put, masculine is about taking action and feminine is about receiving. To give an example, feminine energy isn’t often emphasized in traditional sales jobs, but it’s considered a huge no-no in sales to come on too strong and be over the top salesy – it can make you lose a sale, in fact. This is where the feminine energy can help.

My guess is that women who perceive that this is their problem are probably hesitant to bring their whole selves to either their romantic life or their professional life. When we are ready to say yes to being whole selves and bringing ourselves more fully to everything we do, we are more “successful” (however that is defined for you) in all realms of our lives. It’s about being more yourself, not compartmentalizing or hiding pieces that are your authenticity. People respond to authenticity in the workplace and in the dating world.

About Tamar Henry

Tamar-Henry

Tamar Henry is a board certified holistic health practitioner via the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and the American Association of Drugless Practitioners. She is certified in the Transformational Coaching Method (TCM) and in the Belief Breakthrough Method, an NLP-based program. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in psychology from University of California, Berkeley and a Master of Public Administration degree from Columbia University.

To know more about Tamar, visit her website www.curveballcoaching.com.




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