Why Do You Keep Attracting the Wrong Men and How To Avoid This Problem- Dr. Pat Love - How To Win a Man's Heart

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Why Do You Keep Attracting the Wrong Men and How To Avoid This Problem- Dr. Pat Love

Interview Summary

Below is the summary of the interview with Dr. Pat Love on why women repeatedly attract the wrong men and how to overcome this problem.

Attraction Doesn’t Mean Compatible

It’s actually a fact that both men and women are all attracted to the wrong partner. If you lined up a thousand people with your preferred age, intelligence, appearance, and other factors, it still wouldn’t make all of them a perfect mate for you. Realistically, if five percent of them were suitable it would be considered lucky.

The reasons are:

• It’s a numbers game. You’re bound by sheer numbers to meet more people whom you find attractive, but not compatible.

• Sometimes it can take less than an hour to know they aren’t the right person, other times longer. The longer these relationships go on the more attached you become and the harder it is to get away.

• The key to overcoming it is having the strength and the courage to get out of the relationship as soon as possible to find someone you are compatible with.

Getting Out of It

So let’s say you know that the person you’re attracted to isn’t the right person for you. The question now is how you can politely excuse yourself to get away.

At the same time, you have to wonder why some people choose to stay when it’s not right between them:

• Denial is a major reason. Many people have a history of denying how bad things are from an early point in their lives. Often it stems from struggling or abuse or neglect and the need to cope.

• The very same coping methods that helped you throughout your childhood and that early point in life becomes detrimental later on. You begin to deny obvious things that would normally be alarming.

For example: Your partner hasn’t been able to work steadily or he’s abusive to you and others. Often you will rationalize it by magnifying one good attribute so that it makes everything else seem fine. Dr. Pat Love refers to this as ‘Making a banquet out of crumbs’.

• Another reason is because it’s ‘BTN’ or Better-Than-Nothing. You feel that it’s better to be with someone who isn’t the right person than to be alone.

Eventually, as time goes on, you become frustrated with yourself and lose the courage to break away. This ends up leaving you unable to pursue the right person if they do show up and trapped with the wrong person.

• Loneliness is yet another factor.

It can be mitigated by getting out and becoming a part of a group or the community, using your talents for work or to help someone, allowing you to give purpose to your life and sticking to your core values.

Doing these things and keeping yourself busy outside of a relationship can serve as prevention from being attracted to the wrong person, as well as remaining with the wrong person, by imbuing you with the internal support and courage to walk away and say ‘Yes’ to the right person.

• If you are in a relationship and notice you’re entering into the same patterns, feel the same frustration in the relationship that you’ve felt before, or having the same negative feelings and signs, then you shouldn’t be having sex or being affectionate with this person.

Having sex and showing affection produces a natural chemical called Oxytocin that makes you bond with them, willing to trust even an untrustworthy person, and makes you more protective of the relationship at the moment—even if you know better, you won’t be able to break free.


In the end, the key is to get support and build your life so it is full. That way, when you meet the wrong person, you’ll have the courage to walk away and towards the true love of your life.

About Dr. Pat Love

Dr. Pat Love is known for her warmth, humor, and practical, research-based wisdom. Her blog posts, YouTube clips, books, trainings, workshops, and online courses have made her a popular go-to relationship consultant. Her work has been featured on TV, in cyberspace, and popular magazines, but she’s also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist, and long-standing clinical member and approved supervisor in American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

Dr. Love (yes that is her real surname) has authored/co-authored six books, four workbooks, and numerous professional publications. Her work literally has taken her around the world to help people understand and improve their relationships.

Dr. Love received her doctor of education in counselor education from West Virginia University. She was a tenured associate professor at Texas A&M University in Commerce, Texas for six years before establishing the Austin Family Institute in Austin, Texas. Dr. Love also served as president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling.

Today, she continues following her passion to help others through her writing and as a relationship consultant, trainer, and workshop presenter.

To know more about Dr. Love, visit her website www.patlove.com.