Why Men Are Scared of Intimacy - How To Win a Man's Heart

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May 10, 2015

Why Men Are Scared of Intimacy

In this clip, Dr. John Weiks talks about men and their fear of being close.

We often talk about men’s being fearful of commitment when they are actually much more fearful of intimacy in the broader sense – meaning not just in sexual terms – but rather of emotional intimacy. In order to overcome such fears, a man’s partner must be able to make such intimacy less scary. We can do this by practicing three things:


When he draws away from you physically or emotionally, try to understand what he’s feeling. Don’t automatically expect that he finds you unattractive or unworthy. (This is probably about him, not about you.) He may actually be the one feeling less than desirable or not actually eligible to be close to you. Recognizing this will keep you from falling into a condemnatory posture, making him feel worse. (From which feeling he will likely flee into the night without leaving a forwarding address.)


Practice hard at understanding and patience while he struggles with his demons. Remember, even grown men have moments when they are the terrified teenaged boy at the first school dance. He’s probably afraid to ask you to dance. This can be extremely difficult for you, most primarily because you will be frustrated by his withdrawal and will want to “try” to place the blame upon yourself. You have probably done nothing wrong. When these frustrations surface, work a little harder at sending positive messages. Allow him to be safe with you even if he’s not totally sure of your trustworthiness. It’s like teaching a wild animal to take food from your fingers. It takes time and patience. Meanwhile, verbalize your understanding of his feelings. “I think you’re feeling a little uncomfortable about this?”


When you notice him pulling away, acknowledge it as mentioned above. He will deeply appreciate you for noticing his discomfort and for giving him a “get out of emotional jail free” card. That you are paying attention and you can accept his behaviors without judgment, will leave him feeling much happier and much more able to show what he considers to be his soft, white underbelly to you fearlessly. This is how intimacy is created. It is all about trust and no meaningful relationship can exist without it.

Even outwardly successful, dynamic men can be frightened by women – even the meek, mild ones. We are mysterious creatures whose signals he’s poorly socialized to understand. It’s your job to make getting to know you easier.

To know more about Dr. Weiks, visit his website www.johnweiks.com.

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