Why You Repeatedly Attract the Wrong Men- Karla Downing - How To Win a Man's Heart

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Why You Repeatedly Attract the Wrong Men- Karla Downing

Interview Summary

A special thanks to Karla Downing for the summary notes.

Here are some reasons why you might repeatedly choose the wrong men:

1. Self-sabotaging pattern:

• Low self-esteem – you believe you don’t deserve better.

• Fear of intimacy – you don’t want to be vulnerable so you pick someone who isn’t capable of intimacy or a committed relationship.

• Fear of abandonment – you pick someone who abandons because you expect to be abandoned anyway.

• Fear of being alone – anyone will do so out of desperation, you pick the wrong guy.

• Fear of commitment – you have the fear so you pick men who won’t commit.

2. Re-create childhood patterns:

• Unconsciously, we pick people who are like our father and mother so we can re-create the drama and battles of our childhood so we can “win” this time.

• You re-create childhood roles. Example, you were the caretaker for your parent(s) so you pick someone who needs caretaking and fixing. This also insures you are needed so you feel more secure.

• You were abused so you pick an abusive guy because that’s all you know.

• Your father was unfaithful to your mom so you pick a guy who is unfaithful believing all guys cheat.

• Your family had addictions so you pick an addict believing you can change him this time.

• You felt unloved and abandoned, so you pick a guy who doesn’t love you and abandons you hoping you can make him love you to prove you are loveable.

3. Ignore red flags:

• Your parent(s) were addicted, abusive, unavailable, dysfunctional, mentally ill, etc. so this is all you know. Since you think unhealthy relationship dynamics are “healthy,” you are comfortable with dysfunctional relationships.

• You tell yourself that your man is the exception. He will be the one that will change. You are going to be able to change him. If only you love him enough, he will get better.

• You offer trust in a relationship before it is earned because you believe that you should trust people.

• You have learned from childhood and past relationships to ignore your intuition. You ignore the physical signs (headaches, can’t sleep, stomach aches), emotional signs (fear, uneasiness, uptight, hyper-vigilant), spiritual signs (feel convicted or uncomfortable, don’t tell people the truth about him), or mental signs (thinking about his behavior and excusing it, over-focusing on him, obsessed, worried).

• You don’t take the initiative to get out of the relationship. You are waiting for him to decide to end it.

• You don’t trust your own feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and needs. He tells you that the problems are your fault or that what you feel, think, perceive, and need are wrong. You believe him over yourself.

• You are in denial.

• You tell yourself you will leave when he does “it” one more time. Then when he does it, you say the next time.

• You are afraid of being alone and tell yourself anything is better than being alone.

• You “re-frame” his bad behavior. You make excuses for it, you look at his positive traits, or you blame his problems on others (bad parents, his boss, his prior girlfriends, his ex-wife).

• You have been in the relationship for a while and are getting immune to the problems. It begins to feel more normal.

About Karla Downing

Karla Downing

Karla Downing is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Her books include 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, and The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image.

To know more about Karla, visit her website www.changemyrelationship.com.