Why Your Partner Won’t Commit- A Different Perspective Into Non-Committers - How To Win a Man's Heart

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August 6, 2017

Why Your Partner Won’t Commit- A Different Perspective Into Non-Committers

Commitment…  The delicious desire of many…  What does it take to be committed to another and why is it that so many people are unable to take their relationship to the next level?

This article is intended to target relationships where there is equal love, but not equal commitment in their existing relationship.

My intention is to open your mind to a broader perspective and to leave you with a greater clarity and understanding as to what might really be happening behind the veil.

What I have discovered in my years of coaching and through my own personal experience, is that when someone is unable to commit fully to a relationship, there is always more going on behind the scenes than what meets the eye.

As the committed person, we tend to blame ourselves and think:  If I was only better at this or that, he/she would commit to me…

If your loved one truly does love you and is still unable to commit, I can assure you… it is not about you!  It is about them.

There are many reasons why a partner is unwilling to commit to a relationship.  I say the word “partner” instead of man or woman, because this type of situation is not gender specific.  I repeat, it is not gender specific.

When dealing with matters of the heart and mind, gender is erased and all that is left is one’s personality, beliefs and fears.

I have seen both sides of this equation (the committer and the non-committer) struggle to understand why the relationship has not moved to the next level.

It can be just as frustrating to the non-committer because the answer is so deeply embedded that it can be just beyond his/her reach and the reason may remain ever elusive to them.

To move past this block, there must be a burning desire for change.  It will take deep introspection and self-awareness for the non-committer to unravel the complexity of the issue.

Let’s take a look at…

Potential reasons “why”:

Behind every person’s actions, reactions and behaviors there is either one of two dynamics at play.  The person is either coming from a place of Love (Higher Self) or from a place of fear.  There is no in between.

With each situation that arises in one’s life, this dynamic is at play behind the scenes.  If a person at any given moment is not in a Higher Self (Love) space, than he/she is in a fear space.

Chances are high that if your partner is not showing up to full commitment, there is a deeply rooted fear attached.

Below I’ve listed eight possible scenarios that I have personally witnessed repeatedly in my own life as well as in my life coaching.  However, this list is not all encompassing.

There could be multitudes of reasons “why”.  My hope for you is that by reading this list, you will begin to see/feel how the fear behind the scenes can be running the show.

If none of these apply directly to your partner, I invite you to discover what fear your partner may be holding onto through loving and open communication.

1. Commitment feels like forever.

The person feels like they will not be able to get out of something if they start it.  This could be spurred by bearing witness to someone not being able to leave a bad situation or they themselves were in a place where they felt unable to leave. This fear elicits a “trapped” feeling.

2. Fear of deeply trusting another.

The person truly, on a very deep level, does not trust other people.  They might trust the small or insignificant things and they may even put on a grand show of false trust, but deeply hidden in the shadows of their mind, they do not trust anyone.

Although their intellect and intuition may be showing them that “all is well” within the relationship, they struggle internally to get past the lack of trust.

3. They do not trust themselves.

Oftentimes, the person feels as though they have made bad judgments in the past and does not trust what they are feeling or thinking.

They most likely have been hurt deeply by what another person has said or done and berate him/herself for having gotten involved with them in the first place.  If they have been wounded multiple times, they surely start to question their own judgment.

4. They are afraid their own personal growth will be squelched or they recognize or know on a deep level that they are not in the best position they can be to give a relationship the time and attention it deserves.

To keep a bit of distance in the relationship makes them feel like they can continue to grow and evolve into the person they wish to become. They are often attached to a belief that they have to be 100% whole before making any sort of commitment.

5. They believe that to make a commitment is just adding more to their plate.  Their life may feel overwhelming as it is and to add another person “to please” to their life may feel like too much to handle.

6. They have a deep belief of unworthiness of a loving relationship.

As strange as this may sound, many people can carry around tremendous guilt for a decision made in the past or a message they attached to as a child or an adult.

They believe that they are unworthy of love and although their heart and soul desperately seek the love of another, they keep others just outside the commitment zone and a loving relationship is always a distant dream.

7. They have an underlying, deep fear of abandonment.

At some point (or multiple points) in his/her life, they were abandoned by someone they loved dearly.  The pain was so great, they not only have a fear of commitment, they restrain their love from growing intimately just in case their partner decides to leave so it won’t hurt so badly.

8. Commitment feels threatening to their autonomy and independence.

At some point in the person’s life they either witnessed a loss of personal power in another or they have lived it personally.

Somehow the person (or someone they were observing) was under the rule of another and the situation was so emotionally crushing for them, that to go there in any form is frightening.

So where do you go from here?  Well…

The bottom line:

It’s surely not difficult to see the common denominator in the above listed reasons.  The non-committer has a deeply rooted fear in some area of his/her life.

The bad news is, even if you show up in the relationship as a perfect, loving person, their fears will still be there and they will repeat the behavior over and over again until they begin to recognize their pattern and decide to do something about it.

The good news is, this can be healed and overcome if the non-committer has a desire to do so but it won’t necessarily be easy.  It will take true, authentic open communication by both parties to move forward and into healing.

The process can be frustrating, difficult and exasperating for both people.  The key is to remain patient, loving and kind as your partner is working on his/her issues.

By understanding that he/she did not choose this situation and by staying focused on the “innocence” of their beliefs, you may be able to ease some of your emotional turmoil.

I am not in a position to say whether your relationship will make it through because there are so many dynamics at play.

Relationships are as unique as each snowflake that falls.  But what I can say is awareness is key to unraveling and healing the hidden fears that may be keeping your partner stuck.

If they choose to seek help and healing, you can find your center together and move forward to create a beautiful future.

About the author

Kristen Brown

Kristen Brown is an empowerment and spiritual life coach,author and speaker who is highly passionate about facilitating healing in the areas of:  betrayal recovery, self-worth discovery, personal empowerment and reclaiming one’s life. 

Her motto is: Change yourself and you change your world!  To learn more about Kristen or to join her community on Facebook, please reference the sites below.

Website:   www.sweetempowerment.com

Facebook:  www.facebook.com/sweetempowermentlifecoaching